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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: opinions please...
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my dd has been home, she has only mentioned ow once. She got sad a little later that night saying she missed her daddy and she wished he would just come home. I tried cheering her up by talking about how much fun they had together, and how she gets to have TWO cool rooms, and new toys, AND she even made a new friend. She looked at me quizzically and said "who?" and I said "remember, you told me you met daddy's friend". And she said "oh...yeah. I thought you were talking about "school friend's name". Is it possible, that at her young age, she is somewhat aware that talking about ow might hurt me? Or maybe she just doesn't care too much to talk about her? I do not ask questions, as long as my dd comes home safe and happy, I do not care what goes on over there and I will not ask her "so what did you guys do?" unless she offers the information. When she first told me about ow, I responded with "You made a new friend!? cool!".

Came in to work today, and my co-workers were telling me how she is just like an older kid in a 4 year old body. She really is like an old soul. I just wonder if at 4, they can piece the situation together and put two and two together...


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like OW didn't make a big impression on her. Also, at age 4, I'm not sure your DD would consider a grown up - any grown up - "a friend," KWIM?

((((Numb))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26218 | Registered: Aug 2011
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that at that age what she can see is that her daddy is not home with her at nights. He is at another place with OW. She misses him and doesn't understand why he is not home with her and you and blames the OW for taking away her daddy from both of you.
She may not understand the why, totally, but she does realize he is not coming home to be with her. She is smart. Sad that she takes it so calm and sadly.

Just make sure she realizes that her daddy loves her. Keep doing what you are doing. You are an awesome mom. (And ex wife)


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3143 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that all makes sense. I know my precious girl is struggling with everything. She is so strong and keeps it all in, aside from the few times she does break down and tell me she misses her daddy. I do my best to stay positive about it all and I no longer cry in front of her. I told her our house is "the girls" house, and we can dress it up all girly now. She said "no boys allowed!....except daddy". We have therapy next tuesday...its his day so hopefully he will allow me to take her on his time. If not, I will need to reschedule.

I hope that ow is a very seldom topic for us to discuss. I don't even want to hear her name. No jealousy, just complete lack of respect for her as a human being.


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a better mom than me. When my kids first mentioned that they met the slunt, I had to grit my teeth and turn around. I think I managed to squeak out a "that's nice" before I completely diverted the conversation on to another topic. I'm better with it now, but those first few times were like nails on the biggest chalkboard ever invented.

My thoughts are that you don't want to be so enthusiastic about OW that your DD thinks you're all honky dory with this new situation. At the same time, you can't grimace or act pissed off when she talks about her either - the line of communication has to stay open so that she will let you know when OW shows her true colors - and trust me, she will.

My kids have virtually no opinion about the slunt. She's the price of admission to see their father. On occasion, they will say that she's mean or that she screams at her kids too much or that she is not the person they want their father to be with. They have NEVER come home gushing about her and telling me how great she is and the sweet things she does for them.

I think your DD is going to have the same experience. If she didn't come home gushing about OW and didn't come home with all sorts of doo dads in her hair and her finger/toe nails painted up to the nines, this OW is not interested in making a bang up impression. That's how it was with my kids and the slunt. I was prepared for a whole show and all sorts of phony bullshit, mostly heaped on my DD because she was the girl. This bitch couldn't even put on the show. I think she's so insecure and self-centered, that the minute my kids expressed any sort of dissatisfaction with their father's choice to leave and/or they said one word about how much they love their mother, she stepped back and took any and all focus away from them. I think she is not a big fan of my exFIL because, the one time she met him, he looked at my DD and said, "you're so beautiful - you look just like your mother". That one went over like a fart in church. But, it's the classic OW mentality.

My friend, it sounds as though you may be looking at the same sort of scenario. Unless she's really stupid, she won't be mean to your DD when your ex is around, but she also won't be overly anxious to win her over.

Bottom line - most OW don't want the insta-family. They liked it better when the fantasy bubble was still in tact and the WH was able to focus all of his attention on her during their secret getaways. She loved the fact that the kids, the mess, the nasty bathroom habits, the clothes on the floor, and the dishes in the sink were left at home with the unknowing wife. Well, congratulations OW - you got the whole kit and caboodle now. Enjoy!


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2882 | Registered: Jan 2011
Futurefear
♀ Member
Member # 43176
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 8 yr old knows exactly what is going on when STBWH isn't home or leaves early for 'work', she has also informed her 5 yr old sister of it too. Not that I think my 5 yr old gets the OW part of it but she misses her snuggle time with her daddy. Neither of them really comment much when he is gone, I think they just expect it which is so sad-he was a good dad once upon a time.

Have you read her 'Dinosaurs Divorce'? My girls love that book and quote the part about meeting your parents new 'friends'. 'You may not like them but you need to be polite and who knows, they may turn into a friend of yours too someday'.

I'm with you on not wanting to hear how much fun they had with STBWH and OW, I hope I can handle it as well as you...I still despise her and am slightly jealous.


me- BW
him- WH
together 9 yrs, married 7
kids-8,5,17 mon
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme---great point. I don't want to be overly enthusiastic. From now on, I will just focus on teh perks of getting to spend time with daddy and not mention ow or excitement over a new friend again. I just didn't know how to handle it. I just wanted her to feel safe with me, if that makes sense.

Fear--jealousy, that was the first few weeks for me. Then MY fog lifted, and I realized she did not win any prize. In fact, teh last two years that we were together, I kept thinking about how, even though he left ow2 to come back to me, I didn't "win". I was kind of jealous that ow2 was free of him...that shoudl have been a red flag for me. He just didn't treat me well. He made me feel like all of my thoughts and opinions were stupid of childish. He was just a big bully. So, no. I am not jealous of their relationship. It's all great and happy right now, but I know the dust will settle, and like suckstobeme said, I think that she will get tired of having dd 50% of the time. Which is sad. All I know is, she better continue to be kind to dd.

I will refrain from bringing up her new "friend" ever again. I will nod and say "that's nice" when she brings her up and change the subject. My focus will be on encouraging a good relationship with her daddy. Because I do believe that ow is temporary.

[This message edited by Numb2014 at 1:08 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As DD here makes peace with what her father did, I'm hearing more about it and also letting her talk more.

I notice a pattern with her, where if we're at home, she says nothing, but on our walks, she has a need to talk about him. Ow never fails to come up and she calls her "the other lady". I'm getting better at my poker face, but I used to tear up and she would stop. Now she peeks at me and if I'm neutral, she keeps going with her story.

She fluxuates in her opinions, but usually makes fun of OW at this point, FWIW to have another view. DD here is 11. I think they still want their knight in shining armor, at any age, but struggle with many things. She wonders, "who is he now?"

She also said recently, "I get all excited to have a sleep over and then get in the car and he starts yelling and I'm force to remember it's not the same as when we were altogether."

We know a little boy who's father left when he was 5. He's one of my BFF's in the whole world and is my shadow when he visits. Anyway...

His pov was to tell me in a big hug "the mom is always, always the mom even when we kids yell at her. We know she won't run away and will let us be mad." ETA he's ten now. I cried buckets for a day after that and then carried on.

Just wanted to share another kid's pov.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:23 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2378 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear numb, I've read your posts regarding your little daughter and fears of losing her to the other side. Don't worry about that, little girls love their mummies very much. She's probably thinking about dad just because he's "scarce commodity" now.

My opinion about her trying to protect your feelings: yes, it's definitely possible. Children are very intuitive, and I think a lot of them even young ones can sense that mummy and "the other lady" are somewhat adversaries.

Girls in particular are very sensitive. At 2 years old, my DD cried sobbing watching Pinocchio when Geppetto was looking for Pinocchio. That shows that she is able to feel empathy at a very early age. At 3 yrs old, when I scolded her, she asked me to 'pologize' because I hurt her feelings. That shows that she knows at 3 yrs that feelings get hurt. At 9, my DD told me she helped her father conceal his affair from me because she said "I don't want to make you sad". I think it's possible that your 4 yr old is trying to spare your feelings because she loves you, or maybe she really did not think that the other lady is a friend!


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
LumpyLola
♀ Member
Member # 44330
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking the child quizically asked "who?" because she, in her simple mind, probably does not see the OW - the woman who ripped her Daddy from her home and made everyone so unhappy - as a "friend".

Kids are so perceptive. We don't give them enough credit sometimes.

[This message edited by LumpyLola at 6:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 10

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