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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Struggling...
Futurefear
♀ Member
Member # 43176
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So question. How long before you felt like you could breathe? I am in the middle of my divorce. My STBXH will not stop! Everything is my fault from filing for divorce, to forcing him to have the affair, to going about R the wrong way by confronting her and him, to not loving him enough to stand by him and help him. I also let myself go after the babies, I was repulsive to him throughout my last pregnancy and he needed the attention that she gave to him because I was too busy and obviously didn't want him...he is in the house and will not leave because he's lazy, the kids are here and he knows how much I hate him here plus the OW lives with her parents. I hate the OW whom he parades all around, brags about and travels with yet he wants the kids and I'm taking them from him (he works third shift and is gone with her more than home with them so I'm fighting for primary physical custody).
I know that he was not going to stop seeing her, he wanted his cake and eat it to. He got caught and doesn't like the consequences but I feel awful! I love my family, hate what it is doing to me and my kids especially my 8 yr old and the fact that my 15 month old will never know his dad living at home...so I'm feeling guilty because I stood up for myself and my kids.
Sorry for the rambling post, I've been reading a lot since Jan but just got the courage up to post.


me- BW
him- WH
together 9 yrs, married 7
kids-8,5,17 mon
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$

"The worst part about being lied t


Posts: 219 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Unfortunately, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Try to concentrate on your kids and healing. Make friends, play with those little ones.

Don't pay any attention to the crap he told you (he didn't find you repulsive in pregnancy because he had more than one kid with you, so somehow he got over it - that was a mean-spirited lie as an excuse to go with OW and hurt you at the same time and you know it).

For me I find that the less contact I have with STBXWW the better I feel. The 180 and NC have really helped me. I never see her, just email and text. I do kid dropoffs with proxy or at school. It really has helped, and completely turned the tables on her since she can't see me hurt - there's no narcissistic supply in it.

When it's time to talk through the Ls she blames me for a bunch of stupid stuff (the latest one was about haircuts for the kids - I am not making this up, this is how little she has to complain about my 50% parenting) and of course that hurts. But I just vent to IC, here or to my L and continue on detaching and focusing on my family. And gently, when they decided to do what they did, and D was filed, they stopped being a part of our family. Correct?

Glad you found the courage to post. Here we all find our courage, don't we? Proud of you, keep at it. Work on yourself.

Have you talked to your L about living arrangements and the law in your state regarding that? There's no law that says you must stay in that situation AFAIK (though Family law is state law so it could be different depending on state). Is there a way to kick him out? Or have you considered moving out? In my case I decided I'd rather lose my house than my sanity, and after I left she couldn't afford it so we ended up selling anyway. If you moved with the kids, he'd owe you alimony.

Not being near WW was when my healing really started and I was able to view all this a bit more objectively. I read somewhere on one of the infidelity books, "he who cares the least, wins". You will get to that point eventually.

(((Futurefear)))


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I threw him out of the house, I began to have moments of calm. The daily stress of living with him had me in a state of hyper-alertness & tension. I vividly remember, a few months after he was out of the house, a moment of such peace, clarity and a sensation of safety. It was glorious.

Please stay strong. What's happening are the consequences of his actions. You did not destroy your marriage. He did.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't be able to live with that kind of abuse. Can you talk to your lawyer about getting sole possession of the house? He is mentally and verbally abusing you, you'd have a good case. And your kids hear him treating you like that. The court doesn't react well with that. I think it's worth a phone call to your lawyer. You have to keep you and your children safe from his tornado of a mind and mouth. You do NOT have to put up with it!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Apr 2014
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am pissed reading about the shameful abuse he is doing to you.
You have to get him out of the house soon. It is too hard on you having him there.
It seems like everyone else here agrees.

And congratulations on your first post. Welcome!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3050 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Future... I feel for you.

Don't engage him in any of these ridiculous conversations, even though you will want to very badly. Come here and vent instead.

Only talk to him about domestic affairs, like money and kids, not laundry and cooking for him; that's his business now.

Read up on the 180 and put it in place. It will help you regain control of yourself and you will feel a little better:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 352 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't bother having these conversations with your STBXH, he sounds like a real drama llama who thrives off of blame shifting responsibilities for his poor decisions and watching you squirm.

Dont feed his need to see you upset. As suggested in a previous post, jump on SI here and vent away. DON'T give him the time of day in the meantime.

Is it possible to have your L have the judge force him to move out in the meantime? Usually some distance between you will bring about some healing.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Futurefear,

Within 10 seconds of his starting this verbal garbage I'd say: "Oops, I've got to...(in the other room)", and exit and NOT come back.

Anything to get away from that mouth and the train he gets on. It'll at the least interrupt and stop the behavior immediately and til the next time.

If you have to walk outdoors right away, do it. Break the cycle. Noone deserves to listen to that.

My xwf got on kicks like that if he didn't want to do something I liked. When I first heard him I was amazed how he wined. Never noticed it in others before. It never completely went away and came up each time for years when he didn't want to do something I liked. He went on and on and on. I'd patiently wait it out (naiive at the time). Now looking back, he ruined almost all my favorite pasttimes.

It is verbal bullyism and abuse.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:33 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2011
Futurefear
♀ Member
Member # 43176
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody.

I want him out of the house so badly however since he is also on the mortgage, I can't ask him to leave so we co-habitate which is awful. He knows that it is awful and physically makes me ill to see him.

My attorney that I hired has a reputation of being a bulldog however she can't do a thing without his attorney doing her job. As of yesterday the interrogatory questions have not been turned into my attorney and a motion to compel was filed July 29th in the courts with a court date set for Sept 4th. She knows what the situation is in the house and has told me that he is nothing but a bully (abusive bully) and that I need to pull up my big girl panties. Hard to do when you are so beat down.

He has consistently made this whole situation all my fault, struts around like his shit doesn't stink, promises the world to the kids and dotes on our son 'cause that's his boy'.
For example he is off the next 3 days, he is leaving for his family golf outing then OW planned a getaway for them because he 'is so stressed in dealing with all of this' and 'he needs a vacation' so...he promised the kids he will take them to a ballgame on Saturday--slow down buddy, a couple of hours with your kids prior to school starting...ugh! When my 5 yr old asked if mommy was coming she was told 'nope, just us, just our family.'

This is what makes me not breathe, he is constantly in my face and making me feel like garbage. I am the nanny.

And I quit doing anything for him when I separated our bank accounts in April, he is on his own. He has basically turned the master bedroom into his apartment.


me- BW
him- WH
together 9 yrs, married 7
kids-8,5,17 mon
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$

"The worst part about being lied t


Posts: 219 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ugh. He is a classic piece of work isn't he? Are you familiar with the ever so helpful FTG (fuck that guy) battle cry?

Can you act? Tune him out and invisible? It sounds like he is out or hibernating as much as possible.

Do NOT buy into his bullshit immature snarkiness. Ignore ignore ignore. If his bullshit attitude is intended to get your reaction, then ceasing to give it to him should frustrate him... right?

(((hugs))) Hopefully he will choke on a golf ball.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's name is on the mortgage, he fully pays the mortgage and he's out of the house. I have sole possession due to things like your husband is doing. I'd double check with your attorney.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Apr 2014
Futurefear
♀ Member
Member # 43176
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to learn the FTG battle cry...seriously. He has been making my life a living hell since I filed. No responsibility for any of this and great at the deflection, blame game.

I'd love to not give him the equity in the house but we are in a no fault state with no debt in our marriage...I will have to check with my attorney. She told me to pull up my big girl panties and deal with his bullying until we could start the negotiations after the cooling off period.

The issue of the OW can't even be an issue unless custody comes up which it is going to. He wants physical joint (aka no child support).


me- BW
him- WH
together 9 yrs, married 7
kids-8,5,17 mon
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$

"The worst part about being lied t


Posts: 219 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Future fear)))

I'm sorry he's being such an asshat. For me, part of what helped was something someone on SI said to me here one day (sorry peeps...don't remember who it was...)

Stop taking your emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath.

He's an abusive swine. Who gives a shit what he does or does not think is your fault?

Have you read codependent mo more? Highly recommend. Are you in IC?

I did in house separation in a similar situation to you. It was brutal. And once he moved out, it just escalated as I think he felt more and more out of control. So then it would be endless texts and emails trying to engage me. It took me awhile to be able to tune those out, and sometimes I still can't do it and I engage the crazy.

Stop caring what he thinks. Even if you have to pretend. Come here and talk to us instead.

You've kicked him out of the bedroom, right? No co-grooming in the bathroom, etc. no family meals,no happy family activities, nada.

FTG.

Eta: I didn't feel like I could breathe until I fired my first attorney and hired New Guy who doesn't let CAT bully me...and I filled for divorce.

[This message edited by nekorb at 8:53 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow he is a very mean man. I'm sure all betrayed spouses have been blamed for driving waywards into having affairs. Remember though that his words and behaviors are a reflection of himself, not of you. Your value does not decrease based on some asshole's inability to see your worth.

Posts: 283 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
Topic Posts: 14

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