Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tryin2staykewl (45320)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Do They Feel?
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wondered about this one many times. Once the WS is out of the fog and regardless of whether they are in R, separated, or divorced after the A, do they ever think back of what they have done and feel remorse?

Do they ever feel bad about themselves and regret having taken the wrong path? Or do they think it was ok for as long as the A made them feel good about themselves for whatever reason?

I would really like to know how they truly feel about the A; not what they want the BS to think they feel.


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 874 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here - hope that is ok

for myself, the self-loathing and self-hatred went on for a long time.

a little bit of my story. 10 months before dday I started to make real changes and was coming out of the fog. I had made a lot of real changes in that year. Disclaimer: I was never "in love" with any AP. I am a different broken.

I hate that I had stepped out. I hate the APs. Sometimes I feel bad for their brokenness. But that doesn't last but a minute and then straight back to disgust. I have hated myself for having As. And regardless of if my BS stays or leaves. I hate what I have done. And I will never make that ok again.

hope that helps any


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
PrtyInPink
♀ Member
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do they ever think back of what they have done and feel remorse?

Yes, I think back often about what I did. During the EA I NEVER thought about how it would affect anyone else. I don't think back on how it affected the OW just because of how things played out afterwards with her and my AP, but I do think about how it affected my BH and how it continues to affect him. I have forgiven myself and accepted what I did and of course have definitely learned from it!!

Do they ever feel bad about themselves and regret having taken the wrong path?

I don't feel bad about myself but that's only because I feel like I have learned from it and it has made me strong. It has been 5 years since my Dday so my attitude has changed over the years. I blamed my BH at the time for my mistake. Told him that if he wasn't verbally/emotionally abusive then I wouldn't have got caught up with someone else. I now know that I needed to be stronger and more vocal about my issues I had with my marriage. But like I said, I have learned from my mistake so I don't totally regret it (I only regret hurting my BH) and definitely don't blame him anymore.

do they think it was ok for as long as the A made them feel good about themselves for whatever reason?

No, I don't think my EA was EVER ok. I should not have sought another man's attention to make myself feel better.

I would really like to know how they truly feel about the A; not what they want the BS to think they feel.

I sometimes wonder if I'd feel differently if my AP weren't a sex addict and had me as one of his goals. After my Dday I learned that he was having a PA with a coworker who was also my (work) best friend for about 2 years. After things settled down, I noticed that he would take his wife and his other AP out to lunch. I'm guessing it turned into a 3-some for them. It just all turned out so weird in the end that I only am ashamed at myself for getting wrapped up in his scheme. Thank GOD he didn't concur his goal and get me in bed (yuck!)

[This message edited by PrtyInPink at 4:18 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA D-day 7/11/14
My PA D-day 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jul 2014
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my BS found out about what I had done:

It started with trying to downplay everything even in my own head.

Then came the regret for everything I ever did which was still self focused.

Then came the anger and self hatred which is still there as strong as ever.

Finally a huge feeling of remorse for my BS and my family. I feel so horrible for the pain and suffering I have inflicted on her. Whether she chooses to stay with me or not, my remorse for what I have put her through for decades will never go away nor do I ever want it to.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have your answer from the above posters...my H wishes everyday he could take it all back....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 613 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
luluphoenix
♀ New Member
Member # 44168
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know that my WH feels everything you are wondering. He regrets what he did. He was so crushed with remorse that I feared for his life and called his therapist to make sure he checked up on him. I'm not sure our marriage will survive this, but I think he has grown leaps and bounds.


When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.
-I am going to be one damn sparkly oak when this is done.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jul 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew, I really do.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5127 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.