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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not Sure How To Help BH
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Stop  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D Day was about a month ago; BH and I have just started MC (had 3 sessions) and I have started IC.

I have gone completely NC and told my BH the whole truth within 2 days of D Day. After that, by my H's design, there has been very little discussion about the affairs. He told me to just "act normal." I have been trying to do that but it feels very strange.

I try to talk to him about regular stuff as he asked and he mainly just shrugs or says IDK or looks at his computer. He asks me for massages and I give those to him, but other than that we have very little contact. I call him from work and the calls go the same way. I am perfectly willing to talk about anything related to the affair. I have apologized many times for the hurt I caused and he has said he knows I am remorseful. He says he will "try to try" for reconciliation. But the only time that we talk about the affairs are when we are in MC. That is only once a week, and now it is going to be delayed by summer vacations, etc.

I have read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and it says to be patient when your spouse wants to keep talking about it, cries, etc. But what about when your spouse does the opposite--shows little emotion and is mainly silent about the affairs? Has anyone else had this dynamic a month after D Day?


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may just need time. Sometimes it's so overwhelming to them they just can't deal with it full on, so they'd prefer to go about their routine. I know it doesn't seem like it, but one month isn't very long in the grand scheme of these things taking 2 to 5+ years to recover from. Some say there's a nice anger phase around 6 months.

If he does talk about it in MC, then it just may be that that's where he feels safe doing so and, since there's no hurry (right??), then talking about it weekly is perfectly reasonable. And if you're worried about delays due to summer vacations, realize the gift of even *having* summer vacations with him. There's no timeline for healing, or talking about it, or when you can stop walking on eggshells. But time really does soften things. You may not notice from one day to the next, or even week by week...

Different people deal with things in different ways. So it may just be his way. In the meanwhile you work on you. Every day he's willing to "try to try" is a gift.

In my early days I would try to read to my BW from the plethora of books I purchased on the subject. For a while she listened, but one day she said "Stop reading to me, it's depressing." So I did.

The affairs... Painful.
The reminders/triggers of the affairs... Painful.
Talking about the affairs... painful.
You? painful.

I'm sure just looking at me and hearing sounds come out of my mouth was painful to her for a while. Little old saintly compartmentalizing me, now the most hated person in the universe. Me? Really? Yep. I lied to her face and had sex behind her back.

But, 3.5 months later, we talk. we laugh. We live. Because life goes on, and after a certain point, we have to live that life and stop feeling sorry for ourselves to the point where we're consumed every minute of the day by what we did.

You cannot control how he thinks or feels. He's his own person and he will heal in his own way and in his own time. We waywards very much want "to fix" things and find a solution, but the solution is letting go. Live your life honestly, and authentically. Don't just "act normal", *BE* normal. Be yourself.

A quote that I like to share from time to time:

"When something bad happens you can either let it destroy you, define you, or strengthen you."


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2014
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply, selfishhusband. Yes, you are right, I do consider every day that he is still here a gift.


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This needs to be talked about. Without that nothing will really get worked out. I would suggest IC for both yourself and your husband.

I would suggest a good marriage therapist who specializes in infidelity issues.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sorrowfulmate, I'm in IC currently. My BH doesnt want to go to IC. He's been to IC before this happened so it's not that he's opposed to the idea of going, but he said he doesn't want to go to it now. He does like the MC we are going to.

I agree it does need to be talked about, and it is so strange to me that we're not talking about it much more.


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what he is doing is compartmentalization, rugsweeping, etc.

if the only time he will talk about the A is in MC. that is something. He may still be in denial. it is a long grieving process. You need to encourage him to share his feelings. help him to feel safe to share. use active listening.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I d


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are also a month out from D-Day, and my husband is the same way. We are affectionate and loving, though, and do talk frequently even though whenever I ask about how he's feeling or what he's thinking about the affair now (after discussing with him whether it's okay to talk about and his preferences and parameters around discussion of the topic of my A), he says largely he's okay. Hurt and confused sometimes, but coping and wanting to move forward.

I agree with the other posters - some BS's just process things differently. Just keep working on you, and keep doing what you're doing - attending to him and checking in, be aware and sensitive and empathic to his needs, but communicate as openly as you can.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
healingjourney
♀ Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I am supposed to see the MC tonight alone, as she requested to have one IC session with each of us. I will plan to address this with her as well.

DrJekyll, I have been encouraging him to talk about his feelings and he just gives me a cold look and asks me if I really think I should be making any sorts of requests of him. So that makes me feel bad and then I stop asking. Or he will say, "I'm not thinking about it. The way I think about things is not to think about them."

Macsecond, I wish we were affectionate. On Dday and the next couple of days, he said I "owed" him some fun. So we had HB, but it was all for him, no kissing, and none of it was reciprocal. I understood this was a version of him evening the score, so I complied. But this was an issue before my affairs--that the marriage was basically sexless and that when we did have sex, it was centered on him. Now there is no sexual contact or any affection at all...and I feel like I have no control over anything. I know I put myself in this position, but the conditions that were present before my affairs have left me with very little resources to draw upon.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 2:09 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 8

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