Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Compartmentalization?
Lucky33
New Member
Member # 44364
Stop  Posted: 1:35 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I visited the healing library I read a passage of Compartmentalization. Basically it explains how our brain is able to close off certain thoughts and feelings that allow us to act without remorse or guilt and usually can lead one to have an affair. What actually surprised me is that it can be something that's done subconsciously, without even noticing. I mean is this really possible? If so I think it really explains most of my mindset during an affair. I simply lock these thoughts away and after when I face the music I can't help but feel guilt for either doing what I've done or even thinking it. It Compartmentalization a big factor for a WS?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Los Angeles
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:40 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2014
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmentalization was the way I allowed myself to do things I knew were wrong and feeling like I wasn't hurting my BS. It absolutely felt like I was living separate lives. Even after being discovered for what I was doing, compartmentalization allowed me to continue to trickle truth for many many years.

It wasn't until my worlds collapsed that I was able to understand the impact of my actions and truly feel remorse for my BS and my family.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
pufferfish
♀ New Member
Member # 42636
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think compartmentalization is a big part of it. I literally was not able to (still cannot) have all of my feelings or reality sets in the same space. I was either over there with AP, or over here with the person I was supposed to be with. I just hop. I compartmentalize a lot, none of it deliberately or willingly. I'm good at it due to my upbringing/issues, I guess? I am talking to my therapist now about how I am supposed to somehow reconcile everything and be "one person", all my feelings together, instead of multiple copies that have different feelings/realities.

[This message edited by pufferfish at 6:00 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was huge on compartmentalization. every time I acted against my own values I would lock it away. Through this healing process, I have had to open all of those compartments. and "clean out the cobwebs" all of those feelings I "stuffed" everything I have bottled up for so long. So for me, I had to get it out.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I d


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what the others have said.

I had no idea that I was capable of this. I don't know where it came from. I didn't have a traumatic childhood. My parents are still married. I wasn't sexually abused. It just manifested itself inside me somehow. I'm still digging to find my "whys". I'm certain it's related to FOO issues.

Keep digging. The compartmentalization isn't a why. It's more like a symptom than a root cause.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used compartmentalization extensively during my affair. It came in several forms -

1. Compartmentalized my feelings: "Of course I can love 2 people at one time."

2. Compartmentalized my excuses: "I'm not hurting anyone by having this affair."

3. Compartmentalized my life: "This affair is only happening physically once or twice a year. It really doesn't affect anything."

4. Compartmentalized my justification: "My wife won't care too much if she found out."

I was living 2 completely separate lives. The one life was reality; cutting grass, taking out garbage, going to work each day. The other life was fantasy; spending time with AP, no true day-to-day realities entering into it.

This entire concept has been difficult for BS to understand. How could I tell someone else that I loved them? How could I do this to her and not realize the implications? And it has been difficult to explain. In my head, it seemed so logical, but looking back now in hindsight, I was a fool. And trying to explain this coping mechanism to BS has been extremely difficult.

My BS is a very black and white person - if I told someone else that I loved them, I therefore did not love her. I don't believe this. I know who I love - I KNOW. I want to live in reality; and in reality, I love my wife and always have.

Shutting down the other part of my mind has been one of my minor victories. I work every day on having ONE reality, ONE life.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used compartmentalization extensively during my affair. It came in several forms -

This is what I have concluded from the time I cheated during my marriage 10 years ago. I had other compartmentalization for my cheating on her before we were married when I was in college.

Compartmentalized my excuses: "I kissed her once but it was a mistake because we were both really drunk and it stopped there."

Compartmentalized my feelings: "I made a mistake with her but she is just a friend and what I did won't hurt my wife because she doesn't know."

Compartmentalized my justification: "My wife wouldn't understand me having a female friend so it is ok for me to talk inappropriately behind her back because I know there is nothing more to it than just having fun."

My BS can not understand any of this and thinks I am insane to have been able to think this way.



Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I describe the fantasy world I was living in as full of unicorns and gumdrops. It was a world where my real-world responsibilities took a back seat, and I could imagine another life, one with me and the OW.

Looking back, I was so naive and stupid.

On the good side, on DD2 I realized how stupid this way of thinking was. It was like a hammer to my head, as I was trying to explain this to BS. Just listening to myself and how stupid it sounded made me wonder how on earth I could ever have gotten to that place. It has made NC very easy.

Of course I want the real world. Of course I want to be with my wife. How could I have been so stupid?


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned to compartmentalize out of survival. The me who went to school and got good grades and was happy and well adjusted, was also the same me who lay on the floor counting ceiling tiles to block out nights of abuse.

This coping mechanism carried on into my adult life. I still have to compartmentalize to function some days, but instead of stuffing all those compartments away, I can deal with what's in them, in a non-destructive way.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 778 | Registered: Jun 2010
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmentalization is necessary to block out trauma or parts of one's behavior that doesn't comport with one's image. It's a way the brain utilizes to one sane.

For years, I would use my physical and verbal abuse as a punch line. I would use it to bolster the image of the kid who "made it." Unfortunately, all the crap that I blocked out and compartmentalized eventually broke through and really fucked with me.

When I was working, I was one person. When I was with my wife, I was another. When I was with prostitutes, I was another. When I was trying to seduce other women, I was another. Trying to reconcile all of those facets of ME makes my head want to explode.

For me, having an affair or cheating was a forgone conclusion. I always felt that I was going to do it no matter what and that even though I hated the idea of being a womanizer on some level, I embraced it on another. I have severe trust and abandonment issues and because I never dealt with my issues and compartmentalized, it became extremely easy for me to say, "Fuck this. I am cheating on her before she cheats on me or leaves me."


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 272 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.