Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: 3cjh (44967)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seeking urgent advice to face the fears during reconciliation
Rumble64
♂ New Member
Member # 44379
Frustrated  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

I hope I can find some advice here helping me, a WBF, and my girlfriend on the difficult way of reconciliation.

We have been together for almost four years now. I am from Germany and she is from the US. We have lived together for about half of those 4 years, and been long distance for the other half, with visits about every 2 months. We are now a bit over two months into the process of reconciliation. All facts are on the table and we both want to make it work. We still love each other but have huge issues making our way forward. Mainly because we don’t find a way to deal with her obvious fear that I could stray again, which brings up fights and we drift further apart.

We are in couple therapy and I engage into single therapy as well to fight all causes leading up to my betrayal. I regret cheating on her, letting her down and putting her in pain. Not only do I hate myself for hurting her so deeply, I am also disappointed by myself for letting this happen. I know that most problems result from my lack of communication skills in our relationship as I always tried to be strong and did not open up with my fears and problems.

I think it is important to give some details on my behavior and our relationship. When we met, my previous relationship was not completely over. I did not see the other woman anymore (due to long distance) but did not have the courage to tell her for two month that it was (after a break in the relationship) finally over, because I was afraid to hurt her and did not know how to let her down easy. Then, during the four years of the relationship there was one really inappropriate chat, which she considers cheating and then, 2.5 years later, I had sex with one woman twice.

I am amazed by the fact that she values our relationship, the time we shared and our feelings high enough to try to make it work. However, I see how much she is struggling because she is afraid to be vulnerable again. So a step forward is always followed by two steps back.
Even though we both want things to work out she is struggling with two problems, which seem impossible for her to overcome. And I am out of ideas of how to communicate how serious I am.
1. She is afraid that I would betray her again. How can I make her believe that I am totally committed and certain that I found my soul mate in her, that I love her, that I want to make her happy and spend my life with her? What I have done so far:
a. For every issue identified (with help of counseling) that I personally had or that we as a couple had we specified specific actions that are supposed to regenerate trust and that make sure that such situations or similar ones will never happen again
b. Moving from Europe to the US for her within the next month.
c. Ending contact with all people I had somehow chat contact that might appear flirty or inappropriate (from her point of view – no matter if I consider it that way or not)
d. Going into counseling, to make sure that I will always have the tools to address problems in our relationship and to identify problems in my own behavior
e. Disclosing all my communication (phone-bills, phone-tracking, instant messaging, e-mail, social networks etc.) for her to check if I am telling the truth and if I engage in any kind of inappropriate chatting etc.
f. Strictly following a set-up contract to regain trust
g. Not going out anymore – or if only when she knows with whom I am and only after I notified her and got permission
h. Reassuring my love on a day to day basis
i. Trying to show my commitment through every day actions to try to make her happy
j. Working with her through self-support books
k. Offered her financial support until she finishes university etc.


2. It seems, with every fight and every day that we are not spending together as a couple (laughing, talking, enjoying to be together) we are drifting further apart. So we become distant and have troubles to be intimate and loving. What can she and we do to re-engage?

I assume a lot of you faced similar problems. Do you have any suggestions of gestures, sacrifices, actions etc. that I can take to make her believe of how serious I am? Currently, we are not able to continue on the way to reconciliation as long as she is not 100% certain that I changed my behavior. So how can I make her believe me?

I hope you have some suggestions and can thereby help us on our path.

Me: WBF, 27
Her: BGF, 24


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014
MomtoRoses
♀ Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rumble, it sounds as though you are doing many things to build trust. There is no magic formula. The trauma of betrayal is unbelievable. I cannot even describe it to you. Are you addressing your unwillingness to tell your old gf it was over bc you didn't want to hurt her feelings? That kind of people pleasing behavior is so hard to shake.....I mean like years of counseling.
I think it takes a long time of being predictable. If you say you're going to go to McDonald's for lunch, don't come home w a subway bag of food. Bc lying is such an integral part of cheating, being 99% predictable and honest helps.

Do you have other men friends whom you can share your struggles with? Like another friend who cheated but has a long track record of not cheating? I would never want to be my wh accountability friend. He needs other men whom he can turn to when the desires to cheat come up (trust me they will) or when a woman comes onto him. My wh is in sexaholics anonymous and that helps him tremendously. My wh counselor promised him women would come onto him in the future and he had to be prepared and have a strategy. Just some ideas. I hope you and your gf make it!


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Rumble.

First,

there was one really inappropriate chat, which she considers cheating

This was cheating. You don't have to have sex to cheat. Any emotional involvement with someone other than your significant other falls into something called an Emotional Affair, and that includes inappropriate chats.


Ok, now the hard stuff. It seems to me that you are maybe a little impatient or frustrated? A lot of your posts seems to be something like "I've done all of these things and she still doesn't feel safe? Why not? What the heck else do I need to do?" (I know that isn't your exact attitude, but bear with me.)

She's a great girl, isn't she? She must be for you to be trying so hard. The thing is, you cannot control how she feels. Her heart was a gift to you, and she gave it to you when she thought you were a stand up guy.

Imagine if you had just met her. What if you did everything you could think of and she still didn't give you her heart? It happens. You have an uphill battle because, after cheating on her, it is like you are just meeting again. Only instead of making a first impression, you now have to overcome your previous impression of being a cheater.


So, what do I think you can do?
1) You've got a good start, keep doing what you have been doing.
2) Look into Emotional Affairs.
3) Stop blaming her for the state of your recovery. "Mainly because we don't find a way to deal with her obvious fear..." is blaming her.
4) Recognize the blame lies with you. Her fear is not what is preventing you from reconciling. Your previous cheating is.

5) I set this one aside because I think it will be toughest. This is to be an honorable man. What do you suppose is best for BGF? Not what is best for you, or best for the both of you. What is best for her? Is it a life without you? To love her, you may have to let her walk away.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Jun 2012
Rumble64
♂ New Member
Member # 44379
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MomtoRoses, saturnpatrick,

thank you for your feedback and suggestions.
They are helping me a lot to reflect my day to day behavior.

@MomtoRoses: I know it will be a long way to change my behavior. I am aware that it is a difficult way, knowing what and how to change and knowing professional support at my side is making it easier for me. My close male friends are aware of my situation and my efforts. I am happy that I cannot say that they screwed up on such a level before, but I am certain they will be a huge support. My family as well - they know how much my GF means to me. They are a great source for support.
I try to ensure full predictability and I give every action some extra thought. I am aware that everything counts and remember myself every minute - as this is obviously the one chance I get. I promised to be 100% honest and intend to act accordingly, keeping my gf updated on everything.

@saturnpatrick: Thank you for your honesty and direct words.

there was one really inappropriate chat, which she considers cheating

This was cheating. You don't have to have sex to cheat. Any emotional involvement with someone other than your significant other falls into something called an Emotional Affair, and that includes inappropriate chats.

Excuse my poor choice of words. I am not debating that it is cheating - an emotional affair is a term that is relatively new to me, but I cannot and will not debate that it is cheating. I just wanted to give you detailed background information.

Ok, now the hard stuff. It seems to me that you are maybe a little impatient or frustrated? A lot of your posts seems to be something like "I've done all of these things and she still doesn't feel safe? Why not? What the heck else do I need to do?" (I know that isn't your exact attitude, but bear with me.)

I am insanely frustrated, but I know it is part of what I can and have to expect. That is something I have to deal with. Every positive moment is worth the frustration to me. Impatient - yes. As I am not yet living in the US I have to leave the country tomorrow for at least 10 - 14 days. Which is good because we are both in need of some alone time. The past few weeks did not allow for much space, so some time apart should be helpful to get a better view on the situation. At the same time the deadline getting so close makes me desperate, frustrated, scared. As you mentioned:
Only instead of making a first impression, you now have to overcome your previous impression of being a cheater.
Consequently, I try to show my real character again (the good sides, the ones she loves and trusts in, the one she knows. The ones defining me and making me who I am and not the awful ones I got rid of and still getting rid of in therapy). I hope that she gets to know me again and all the good I have to offer. Knowing that I only have a few more hours to do that makes me impatient. I know I am not allowed to be impatient. It takes however long it takes. I will be there to help her. It is just so painful to see her hurt and my instincts tell me to help her, to make her happy and support her.
I always think that if she would be able to believe me I could help her better and reduce her pain. I know that is not how it works and that I have to stop that line of thought.

To your suggestions.

1) You've got a good start, keep doing what you have been doing.
2) Look into Emotional Affairs.
3) Stop blaming her for the state of your recovery. "Mainly because we don't find a way to deal with her obvious fear..." is blaming her.
4) Recognize the blame lies with you. Her fear is not what is preventing you from reconciling. Your previous cheating is.

5) I set this one aside because I think it will be toughest. This is to be an honorable man. What do you suppose is best for BGF? Not what is best for you, or best for the both of you. What is best for her? Is it a life without you? To love her, you may have to let her walk away.

First of all: Thank you again for your thoughts.
1) I will keep working as long as she is willing to try to make it work. I hope I can support her on her way to heal.
2) I will look into it further. thank you for pointing that out.
3) Will do. As mentioned earlier I struggle with seeing her in pain. My intention is not to blame her - I want to help. I am responsible. I have to deal with the consequences. Seeing her in pain is just unfair and I am always trying to lift the weight from her shoulders.
4) I know I am responsible and I know my cheating is the problem. I am simply looking for ways to support and transport the message that this will not happen again, that I am doing whatever I can think of to change and prove my change. Ensure that it will not happen again.
5) I am seriously considering that for a while. So far I am absolutely certain that I made her very happy in our relationship, and with me being a better (a faithful) partner I will make her very happy. So I leave it up to her to decide. When she decides that the way of reconciliation is too hard I will respect that.

Again, thank you so far for your responses.

I would appreciate if you or anyone else has good recommendations on how to support her, on ways to re-grow trust and confidence in our future.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair'. It's exactly what it sounds like, and pretty concise. My WH found it helpful in terms of laying out how the BS feels, what to expect in terms of how the BS will likely navigate the next steps, and what you can do to help.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 451 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.