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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Genius's [almost] Last Stand: another vent
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, Genius has had two overnight weekends with the children since the divorce Order was signed by the judge. Immediately after the Order was issued Genius told me he "wasn't ready" to take the children for his very first weekend with them in three years.

I agreed.

He then asked if he could just have them for the day: Saturday.

I agreed.

About a week later, he started asking for me to switch every single weekend with him, going forward indefinitely. I refused. It didn't take me long to figure out that he and OW have been put on opposite visitation schedules. Boo hoo. This is good news for me since he will blow off his children for her every time.

But the judge also gave him Wednesday nights. He took the first two, and then switched the third one. (Normally I wouldn't have let him, but he has several more days left to appeal the entire divorce, and so I didn't want to rattle his cage.)

SO HERE IS WHAT HE DID TODAY:
He filed a motion accusing me of taking the children for his first weekend and claimed that he agreed to it ONLY IF I SWITCHED THE VISITATION GOING FORWARD FOREVER. Obviously this is a tremendous lie.

He then used my annual vacation with the children as an example of my "unilateral decision making" and told the judge it interfered with HIS two long weekends of vacation with the children this summer. (Even though he never intended to take them on a second vacation and never notified me or asked me.)

He then proposed to the same JUDGE who called him a LIAR repeatedly during the trial and in the final Order, that he should "let me" take the vacation but then he would get to switch the weekends forever going forward, plus he would get to take away Labor Day weekend from me (which is fine) BUT also link his first five-day vacation with three more days, linked to Labor Day - 12 days in all.

I literarily don't know if my sweet children will survive 12 days with this sex addict, sociopath lunatic.

I have no idea what the judge will do. We do not get a chance to reply because technically this is a response to MY Motion to get me one official holiday a year, which everyone seems to believe was an oversight and not included in the Order. Genius of course included no evidence, just lots of clams about my unilateral and arbitrary decisonmaking.

If anyone is still reading, I'm amazed. My posts are so confusing because my LIFE is so confusing - this guy takes the most straightforward things - like me agreeing to his plea not to take his children for the weekend - and then twists it against me to make me sound awful and to get what he wants.

I can't even begin to imagine what else is going through that scary brain of his.

He has until Thursday to appeal the entire divorce. After that, crickets from me. I will never, ever, ever let him change anything again, and I will not answer his emails ever again unless I absolutely must.

So I guess the good news is that we're going on our annual vacation after all since he no longer seems to be fighting it. But once again, I won a battle and possibly lost the war. My biggest goal has been to keep the schedule as it is in the Court Order so that he will continue to blow off my kids for OW.

We shall see what the judge says. I don't think we get a chance to reply to this one.

ps: HE also didn't pay all the support this month - his very first month! Instead he put in some bizarre calculation into his Motion that he came up with on his own. He said he only needs to pay us for the portion of the month AFTER the decree was issued. He actually broke the month down into days and used this to divide the Support check.

I really hate him, folks. I really do. He's such a bastard. I know I'm almost through - three more days - but I don't know if I will survive if he manages to get all the weekends switched around. If so, he will have nothing better to do than fuck around with me and destroy my kids. If the schedule stays the way it is currently, he will blow off my kids, and our lives will continue almost as normal.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oy.
Your posts aren't confusing...the situation is simple. What is hilarious (in a completely not funny way) is how this moron keeps throwing bullshit in his answer like somehow he will baffle the judge into a favorable ruling.

So, basically worse case scenario...you have to switch the weekends here on out and he gets a set 12 day vacation around Labor Day. In the grand scheme of things...I wouldn't worry too much. You are asking to correct what is an oversight...and he's getting pissy about it. I gotta think the judge will be mildly irritated reading moron's answer.

Super good news: you don't need to worry about going on your vacation and you've released another hold he had on you.
Awesome win in my book.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh geez CH, it never ends with him....I am so sorry.

Please try to not buy trouble. Nothing has happened yet and except for calling your lawyer there seems to be nothing you can do. Well except love your kids, have fun, and pray.

You are right.....NC is called for, but I understand why you were playing nice. Document everything...you know the drill. This guy is out to ruin you so plan accordingly.

I hate him for you.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2700 | Registered: Jan 2010
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope when he said he wouldn't take them for his first weekend was in email. I hope every communication is in email. From here on out, forever, if he wants to ask for anything, get it in email. Email = proof.

I'm sure the judge will love him deciding he didn't have to pay the full amount. Geez. He should have been paying the full amount since you separated! Not just since the D papers were signed.

Oh, even if the judge does switch his weekends? I wouldn't panic. My bet is he will take them for the first 3, then he will start cancelling. See, her kids will have something to do, and it will just be too hard to have hers and yours there at the same time...room in the car, bedtime routines...he'll stop again. That's the way he is. He didn't take them or the past whatever amount of years...the papers aren't going to change that. he doesn't want them overnight. He'll just make a show for a few weeks if he gets the weekends to be the way he wants them.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5521 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, your post, your dilemma, his antics, none of it is confusing. It all makes sense in the mixed-up crazy world we live in. Just keep on doing your best, CH. That he's making this appeal to the same judge who chewed him out makes me quite hopeful for you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

I agree with devastatedmom. He will get his way only to discover that nothing is really his way, because ... well, damn the wind blows, the moon phases, he forgot what every other weekend meant, he was using a Mayan calendar, he deserves an extra hour because daylight savings time impacted his time or he can just deduct whatever percentage an hour is from the month.

He is crazy. His behavior is crazy making. Limiting his access to you so his behavior doesn't make you crazy is a good goal.

I don't like the 12 day visit. I hope the judge won't like it either.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!!!

He's trying to get you to fight/argue with him about Labor Day.

Just chill.

I really don't think a judge will give a person evey single weekend, but it can be appealed.

THe more you don't fight, the more he will try. Then, eventually he will stop or get busy trying to keep up with the wacky world of his girlfriend and then leave you alone, at least that's what's happened here....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2195 | Registered: Jan 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He then proposed to the same JUDGE who called him a LIAR repeatedly during the trial and in the final Order

The judge at our final trial hated my ex too. Being in court was actually kinda awesome.

If you want any advice, I would say to stop caring what happens over there. Say you have to switch, then by some miracle OW is forced to switch. How hilarious would that be?

Just whatever to whatever is happening over there whenever. Just focus on you and your kids and your house.

I require and request most of the changes to the schedule, and I get pissed if he isn't just freakin reasonable with me. I actually had some activities written into my decree that he is FORCED to switch with me for. The judge wasn't too thrilled the genius ex had been refusing to take the kids to activities they had been involved in on his weekends, or switch with me so I could take them, so NOW HE CAN SUCK IT. I'm the only one focused on these kids and their lives, and he better switch with me or be a fucking dad and actually take his kids to their extracurricular activities. I mean, really, he can't go to cub scout meetings or camping? But no big thing, I know how to be mom and dad. He doesn't even fucking know how to be dad.

But just saying, the schedule is gonna ebb and flow over the years, so I think it's better for the kids and everyone if requests for exchanges are honored if reasonable..

My ex only has EOW and almost never asks for any extra time, and even blows off those weekends sometimes. I kind of wish the bastard would act like a dad who loved his kids. It might solve some of my children's emotional and abandonment problems..

Maybe it will be easier on your kids if all the kids are their at once? I try to accept that my kids like OW's son.. I've called CPS on ex and OW before, and I won't hesitate again. But the case was dropped, and really, I just want him to fucking grow up and show the kids some love and attention..

Oh, and get that shit garnished if you can. I still struggle with getting my "half" of extra stuff, but at least the child support is always on time. The garnishment was his own fault. He did me the courtesy of hanging himself on that one too..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, all, for the long-term perspectives. I feel a little better now.

When I step back and look at it, I can boil it down to the following:

1) After the judge told us we didn't have enough "proof" EX would do something to the kids at night and therefore gave him overnights, I consoled myself by thinking that Genius would go away after a while. I soon saw that it would happen pretty fast, given OW's "conflicts" with the schedule. So it would break my heart if the judge changes things.

2) His lies again. Big, bald-faced lies in court documents. Lies about me. Twisting the truth. Every single time I've tried to accommodate this guy (like letting him skip his first weekend with the kids), he's royally fucked me over for it. He just drags me down into the weeds with him, making us sound equally morally and ethically corrupt! It's just the unfairness of it, and the exhaustion of fighting it for so long.

So I'm hoping you guys are all right and that he'll get bored eventually. Yesterday my kids told me that they wanted the old schedule back - when they just saw him twice a week with no overnights. It broke my heart, but I told them that it would be fun and a great adventure, etc. I tried to be calm and upbeat yet really listen - I want them to trust me enough to come to me with any concerns about anything that happens when they are with Genius. It could literally be life or death for them.

I want to scoop them up and bring them home here where they can sleep safely at night, away from alcoholics and sociopaths and people who think there is absolutely nothing more important in life than inviting anonymous strangers from CL for extreme violent S&M sex. I don't think they'll DARE do this around my children for now.

Key words: FOR NOW.

Thank you, all. I'll talk to the attorneys tomorrow.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I told them that it would be fun and a great adventure, etc.

Don't tell them this. If they feel like it is hell on earth over there or "unfair" ... having you trying to upbeat cheer them into accepting it is going to create distance between them and you. They don't want to have to tell you all the reasons why you are wrong. They just want to bitch and complain about how they are being inconvenienced/paraded about whatever.

I tell my kids that they are entitled to know both of their parents. That the courts want both parents to have time with their kids. That this schedule is what was decided as best (by the court, and me and their dad). That a change would require that the conversation be held all over again.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex's father went to jail for raping a 5-year-old girl, and apparently also raped my ex, as well as let his friends rape him.

I was also raped as a child, but I went into counseling for it at 15 and have always gone back when I've needed it.

I don't think my ex has dealt with his past AT ALL. But after literally YEARS of trying to be an angel for him, I gave up. I can't fix him.

But educating my kids about their bodies has been a top priority of mine. Every single grooming behavior I've learned about, they've learned about. They are even teaching this stuff in school now, and thank God. Had someone told me about my body when I was a kid, I might have spoken up sooner. Just do your best to educate your kids. It really is scary, heart-wrenching stuff that keeps you up at night. But don't be a victim. Fight back with educating them.

Lots of hugs to you girl..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't tell them this. If they feel like it is hell on earth over there or "unfair" ... having you trying to upbeat cheer them into accepting it is going to create distance between them and you. They don't want to have to tell you all the reasons why you are wrong. They just want to bitch and complain about how they are being inconvenienced/paraded about whatever.

I tell my kids that they are entitled to know both of their parents. That the courts want both parents to have time with their kids. That this schedule is what was decided as best (by the court, and me and their dad). That a change would require that the conversation be held all over again.

Wow. You are correct. I'm always trying to play it safe; do the politically correct thing. I was slowly moving away from this since the divorce was supposedly finalized last month, but then with all the motions and appeals, I got scared again. THANK YOU. I will use this explanation. It it truthful.

Have your kids ever asked for the conversation to be held all over again?


__________

(((ButterflyGirl))). Thank you. I just bought a few books for my kids. They are 8 and 9. They definitely know the "good touch/bad touch" rhetoric, but I am positive they don't REALLY understand the difference, or what it really means. I need to go a little deeper with them. And then deeper again. I am buying my son a phone with GPS too, in hopes that Genius will be "too scared" to take it away from DS and risk DS's anger.

I'm treading rope here.

Thank you for sharing your story. I don't think that we acknowledge often enough on SI that the advice that we share here can make HUGE, HUGE differences in children's lives.

So thank you.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, your post, your dilemma, his antics, none of it is confusing
Yea, CH. A LOT of us *get* it.

taking the children for his first weekend
No sweat. I'm assuming/<really hoping> that you have his refusal to take the kids because he *wasn't ready* in a black&white text/email format.

CH. The JUDGE set out the placement schedule. You do not have the luxury of just saying *okay, ex, let's change the dates.* If you go afield from what the JUDGE put in the decree, then you are technically in contempt of court.

He then used my annual vacation with the children as an example of my "unilateral decision making"
Your vacation with the kids is a historical event. This is something that you've done with your kids for years (if I'm remembering correctly). You didn't keep this vacation a secret from your now-ex and you have tried to be extremely accomodating in regards to make-up time.

Calm down. You will get your chance to *reply* to his nonsense when this gets in front of the judge.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8071 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have your kids ever asked for the conversation to be held all over again?

Yes, and no.

They are not against the schedule in theory. But they do try to "tweak" it based on circumstances. When they didn't have a bed (remember the camper?) they resisted overnights. I gave the "schedule" speech. If they said to Stretch, "I don't want to stay the night because I can't sleep" he would either agree to a modified schedule, or pout.

I remember the youngest DS hyperventilating because he did not want to go one weekend. He was scared to tell his dad so he was in major conflict. Older DS went out and "tattled" that young DS didn't "want" to come. Stretch called him a baby and was downright ugly and awful to DS.

There have been other changes. Due to sports or sleepovers or local events, the kids "co-ordinate" with their dad and that means they stay home. On the other hand, they asked to extend this weekend since Stretch didn't work today. I said fine. And they are going to have a mid week dinner next week.

Sometimes the visits are not wanted by the boys but they don't have a "reason." They don't always want to go to school either. Life is full of obligations that we must meet. But I try to respect them as people with their own wants and needs too.

In the early days, the boys were terrified at night and it was far worse at "dad's." He would fall asleep before them, would not wake to deal with their fear, and there were some late night text exchanges between me and the boys when they were unable to sleep and were terrified. I would be patient and reassuring.

I imagine suddenly spending nights away from home in a new location with new rules is hard. It is hard to parent sullen children you don't connect with so Genius has a long road ahead of him. He will of course blame you for babying them... (ask me how I know. ) Stretch didn't like hard work so he ducked on the parenting when it wasn't fun and easy. Summer with no schedule and pool or lake weekends? Sure he can do that.

It is hard for me to listen without trying to fix it. When the kids talk about what is "wrong" at dad's house...


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His emails asking to switch and change all h oily s dates are all the proof you need. Always keep all communication through email.

He will trip himself up. You just print them off and submit.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1856 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His emails asking to switch and change all h oily s dates are all the proof you need. Always keep all communication through email.
He will trip himself up. You just print them off and submit.

Yes, I'm keeping all of this for the future, just in case.

But this time, he wins. I don't think I have a chance to submit anything else. We had 10 days to submit any amendments to the divorce decree. We did - vacation, medical expenses, and a specific date each month for EX to submit CS and SS.

This was his reply to our Motion. Obviously it veered off course quite a bit, and it's not clear to me if he's allowed to even do that after the 10-day window is over. If he had a problem with the schedule, he should have filed ten days ago to amend it, just like we did.

At any rate, we expect the judge to weigh what he has in front of him and make a ruling.

20-20 hindsight as usual: we should have attached emails to our original email. EX attached no proof of what he is saying though.

I'll know soon enough.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you put a VAR or nanny cam into a stuffed animal your child loves and takes with them to Dads? It may not be legal, but if I thought someone was bringing CL freaks around my kids (if I had kids).. I would do that or set up a network of people to help me watch their house when the kids are there.

(((ChoosingHope))))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6604 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have those emails ready to show the judge just in case.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4787 | Registered: Feb 2008
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But this time, he wins

Try to keep focused on what he is winning though - is it worth your angst?

Sometimes they are going to have wins here and there. It's ok as long as it doesn't put your kids in danger, kwim?

I just keep fearing that he will actually start taking your kids for visitation regardless of which weekend it is on....

:::shudders:::


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hope))) It never ends, does it?

My first reaction says he is throwing up all sorts of noise in hopes of getting the weekends changed. Making it seem like changing the weekends is a great compromise in light of stupid shit. Kind of like this NPD boss I had, that would create problems at work then heroically "save the day" fixing the problem she caused.

He knows now you aren't going to roll over and change his visitation however he wants. He knows the judge is not going to either. He is trying to create a scenario where it seems like changing weekends is not unreasonable. Giving up all these other things - your vacay, his proposed new vacay, etc, seem like a good trade. But the reality is he has no leg to stand on about changing the schedule, there really isn't much legal recourse he has if you take the vacay anyway, loosing this new proposed vacay isn't really a loss since he was never granted this in the first place.

My opinion? Stand your ground. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain. He is that cranky shopper at the checkout line with an expired coupon or whatever, knowing that if he holds up the line and throws a big enough fit, it is likely someone will come and give him the discount just to make him go away at that moment. And it seems like a good idea at the time, to avoid exposing all other customers to the scene and inconvenience. Until he keeps coming back and doing it over and over. Don't set a precedent he can hold against you later.

You got his Hope. He's an idiot, and the judge already knows that. Make your L go after every angle they can for him wasting everyone's time.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
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