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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: vent about MiL
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are going to the beach tomorrow with my MIL and FIL. I am excited to spend the day with DD and BH and am happy to be included.

But my MIL is such a control freak it drives me insane....I sent her a text today asking if there is anything I should bring....MIL responds I could bring a bathing suit but DD probably won't go in the water, so shorts would be ok. And DD should wear her blue hat and water shoes.

Now I could be over reacting but I thought it was silly she told me exactly what I should put on DD, since I am her mother.

MIL also constantly buys DD things....shoes, clothes, toys, etc but refuses to let my DD bring them home...they are all things that are just for Grammy' s house....and if she does let DD bring something to our house it has to go back to her house the next week. I understand wanting to have some clothes and stuff at her house for DD so she is prepared, but I think it's a bit much to never let those things leave her house. It makes me feel like she doesn't think what we buy for DD is good enough, so she has to get the right things.

I don't know...I am a bit of a control freak sometimes soon so maybe that's why it bothers me so much.

I should also mention that BH has asked her repeatedly to stop buying DD shoes (among other things) but she still buys her new things almost every week.

End vent.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Alyssa. BS here-hope it's ok. My mil is nuts-plain and simple, so I hear you on this one. Since your hubby has asked her to not buy so much, have you guys thought of jointly asking very firmly. I know what it's like to want to keep the peace, but sometimes you have to get assertive and put your foot down. It's up to you on if this is that time or not. I hope it goes well for you at the beach. If it were me, I would dress my dd anyway I felt and send a message that way.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yay. Parent issues.

I would say, "I didn't ask you how to dress my child. I asked if you needed me to bring anything." BUT I'm a rebellious brat like that.

I vote politely telling her to shove it. Wayyyy too much Mama drama. Of course you can't do this on your own. (Well you *can* but it's going to be more difficult) Your husband has to be in on it and I know he had a history of spending more time with them and prioritizing them. In order for you to get a real handle on things, he needs to stand firm with you.

Dress your little girl how you want. Bathing suit and cover up. Flops or water shoes. That YOU bought. Who is your MIL to say she won't get in the water. Control freak much? I would be tempted to dress DD in frills. Just to watch MIL's head spin. (I'm sorry. I'm not any help. Parents all up in their adult children's business is a touchy subject with me.)

Keep a cool head. Stand your ground. If *I* can do it, anyone can. Chin up Alyssa. Be a grown up Mama. Do yo thang.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6303 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you both say that I should dress her the way I want....I have every intention of putting her bathing suit on under a sun dress....just because I can!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bingo. Remember to stand your ground. Be nice, but be firm.

"Thank you for your concern but me and DD picked this out. Hey DD, let's go make a sand castle!" And walk.off.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6303 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I think that is a little weird and controlling.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely time for a little polite spine coupled with bean dipping.

MIL: Why is DD dressed in red? I said she needed to wear blue!

ALY24: DD is dressed appropriately for the beach. I brought water bottles for everyone, do you want one?

MIL: I told you that no swim suit was needed!

ALY24: I am the mother and it was my decision that DD wear a swimsuit in case she wanted to go into the water. Would you care for some carrot sticks with your water?

MIL: I'll just go get DD changed into shorts.

ALY24: That won't work for me. Try some more bean dip (you old bitch of a hag!).

Of course, being an old bitch of a hag myself, "this conversation is at an end" has also been one of my favorite statements too.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can be a little bit of a bitch, too, sometimes, so I would dress her in a suit, RED hat, flip flops, and a dress that says "I love my mommy" or something that MIL would not approve of just because I'm the mom and that's how I do things.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you thought about discussing this with your BH?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to discuss this with your husband.

Your MIL is substituting for you as a mother for your daughter.

This happened to my family when I was a child. It can be very confusing for the children.

I remember feeling like I had too many adults trying to raise me and be my mom and dad. Later that all grew into resentment for all of them Mom, Dad, Grandma and Grandpa.

You must set boundaries and limit the time your DD spends with Grandma. She has a hidden agenda of some kind you just don't know what it is.


Posts: 207 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIL also constantly buys DD things....shoes, clothes, toys, etc but refuses to let my DD bring them home...they are all things that are just for Grammy' s house

So basically she buys things for herself and loans them to your DD?

I know someone like this. She bought great granddaughter an electric car - yup - the best toy there is!!! But it had to stay at her house. It was her way of getting great granddaughter to want to be at her house instead of at home. My friend eventually bought her DD her own electric car so that it wouldn't be such an object of control. Sad.

Maybe next time she buys shoes, you should bring them home 'for a week' and during that week donate them. Then when MIL asks, just say DD has so many shoes that you felt giving these to a needy cause was the right thing to do. It may start a fight, but it's a way of taking back control of your DD and her things?

I don't know really if that's a wise suggestion, but it's fun to think about based on the control freaks I know.

I also know that, in your shoes, my DD would be in her bathing suit, a non-blue hat, and NO water shoes, but that's me. I have issues with 'controlling people' and my way of taking that control back is to blatantly go against their directives. Maybe that's my way of being in control.

Ask me nicely, I do anything. Tell me what to do? Nope, not going to happen.

In a nutshell, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's crazy making stuff really. Not letting DD bring her things home is actually a bit cruel. It's one thing to keep a couple of spare outfits, but everything grammy buys has to stay at grammys? Why? Do you dye everything black?

That's just nuts. Has your H told her that if she buys something for DD, it needs to be in DD's house? Or is he a conflict avoider?

Again - sorry. Controlling people are so difficult.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first question is a follow up from another post, did she invite you on this trip or did your BH insist?

If she did invite you, well, at least that is one step. This could just be her way of letting you know her displeasure of your actions.

However, if she is like this all the time then
I think you have a right to be truly upset.

Then I can definitely understand where you are coming from with your MIL.


Then your MIL is a watered down version of my BH's xMIL. This needs to be definitely addressed, but very gently in your case. When my BH's xW passed, his xMIL literally moved into our house. She even re-arranged and painted my DD's room to her liking!

I couldn't figure out why she was doing this until I realized she had replaced her daughter (my BH's xW) with her granddaughter (BH's DD) to soothe her grief. It was a hard being the third party. I didn't want to hurt a grievning mother, but she was so passive aggressively mean to me and had no boundaries when it came to me being DD's mother figure. It was painful and it also confused our DD so much.

My guess is that your MIL isn't dealing with empty nesting and this is her way to feel that she is able to provide herself with that feeling of being a mom again. She is managing her fear and loneliness with false substitution and control.

This actually explains why she invites just your BH and DD along and not you.

In short, she is hurting. Your A possibly fueled the fire to nurture your BH more in an attempt to fill an impossible gap.

My advice is to keep that conversation open with your BH. Gently point out concerns (not in a nagging way). Take his feedback and then write it down. If his feedback doesn't help, then gently point that out and let him know you will need to talk to his mother about the situation and will need his support.

This can be fixed, but slowly and with a receptive BH to help support you.

\mini- t/j
Unfortunately for us, it damaged our marriage and family early on, five years later we then moved over 1000 miles away from all family to separate us from the xMIL. It actually was a huge part of resentment with me- so much that I later re-wrote our marriage that it was his fault that he never helped. In the end, it was my decision to not put up a higher boundary and draw a line. \end t/j
Don't be like me. Talk with your BH. Let him know that you are trying to address these things right away so that you are facing them in a healthy manner. You are changing who you are.

If nothing changes, talk to your MIL with pose and grace. Draw boundaries. Don't let resentment build. Face these things will help your future and change who you are.

Let us know how it goes. Hope today is a good one for everyone. I'm sure your BH is more than likely nervous about the two of you together, so be sure to let him know you're there for him.


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses. ..BH knew of the directions MIL had given me and also thought they were ridiculous and controlling. ...this is a common trying with MIL and always has been....with everyone in her life.

BH did not complain when I got DD ready to go this morning...wearing her bathing suit under a skirt, with no hat. I also had my bathing suit on and BH brought his...DD and I spent the morning playing in the ocean.

Because I had told MIL last night I didnt know where the blue hat was she packed another hat for DD (also blue which was very strange) along with sunglasses.....neither of which DD wore....and MIL brought them both home with her.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 13

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