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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Avoiding a T/J
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While reading another post this thought fell on me like a ton of bricks.

One of the biggest "whys" that allowed me to engage in affairs was a desperate need to feel accepted, and validated as a person. This is largely due to FOO issues, but some of it also came from how my BH and I have interacted over the years. Regardless, I made the choices of a broken, sick minded, person and sought out affair partners: turning away from my BH instead of towards him.

My BH now feels that exact same thing. In the discovery of my affairs he has been foist into my place. I not only realistically rejected him by having affairs, I also said terrible things about him to other people. I was so screwed up that I refused to accept him as he is. It is no wonder he still feels rejected, still feels doubt, and still cannot believe that I do in fact love him with all that I am. And since all that I am is not much at present, it's not much consolation.

So in light of this thought, I'm reluctant to call it an aha, I've had a thought about remorse and regret. I think I will have finally hit the ability to act on the remorse I feel in a way that translates for my BH when I can finally accept myself AND my BH for the people we are today. It'll be when I can listen to his pain, anger, and judgments and accept them as that, expressions of his pain. I don't know if that makes sense or not... Obviously the thought is a work in progress.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 393 | Registered: Dec 2013
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

makes total sense to me.
one thing i found was all of the feelings and fears I had were thrust onto my BS. There is actually psychology behind it. We actually treat people how we do not want to be treated.
i.e. I we want people to hear and understand our opinion and hate when they are not open-minded. we tend to not be open-minded about there opinion and don't try to understand their position or really hear them.
It is quite fascinating.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 608 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so screwed up that I refused to accept him as he is. It is no wonder he still feels rejected, still feels doubt, and still cannot believe that I do in fact love him with all that I am. And since all that I am is not much at present, it's not much consolation.

Thanks for this explanation. Sounds like you are getting it.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
ExWayward
♂ New Member
Member # 44295
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you are starting to empathize, which is the first step towards true remorse. What you have to show him is what you have to bring to the table for this marriage. What are you offering him above and beyond what you were giving before? The stakes are higher now.

Remember, all the good things and positive things you did in the marriage before your A mean diddly squat. Sorry, it's not fair but that's just the way it goes when you decide to cheat. You have to get this into your head.


Me: exWH/madhatter
Married to exWW 7/10/84
Her first DD: 12/24/87
My revenge affairs DD: 3/15/88 through 12/07/89
Divorced 11/14/90

Ex WW cheated on me. I retaliated by becoming a cheating monster with numerous women.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Arizona
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW only shows remorse when (if) I show extreme emotional pain and agony. Otherwise she
"acts" normal and thinks and moves like nothing much has happened at all, expecting me to act and move as if I am "ok", when I am far from Ok. I think it is normal for the WS to try and distance themselves emotionally from the pain of the BS for obivious reasons, nobody likes to feel shame and guilt and negative responsibility/consequences.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 411 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJykle

one thing i found was all of the feelings and fears I had were thrust onto my BS. There is actually psychology behind it. We actually treat people how we do not want to be treated.

Yikes! but yeah, that's kind of it exactly. Fascinating? You can definitely say that. The worst part is really that how I've treated my BH so truly terribly. The more he did for me, the more I took him for granted in my actions. strangely enough the emoticon is not the only emotional barfing I've engaged in tonight. Blech.

Somethingremorse

You're welcome. I'm just relieved it made any sense. I've thought of myself as articulate but sometimes my words and thoughts are so jumbled.

ExWayward

I'm working on getting that idea branded on my soul. The hard part is not getting that confused with everything I do now meaning nothing. It both does and does not. Highest stakes ever.

steppingup

I don't want to "act" remorseful. I want to be remorseful. To embody it.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 393 | Registered: Dec 2013
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wayflost,

I feel very very similarly. Most of your post was as if is written it myself. This really does sound like a step forward for you. Sure the idea isnt fully formed but its definitely progress. What you have described sounds to me alot like letting go of the outcome. Accepting who you have been abd who you want to be as one package, not two people, so as you say 'who you are'... And accepting that your BS is going to carry their pain, anger and judgements with them always, and pushing forward as these people. And you as a WS do this without a firm grip on the outcome because for us, its about change and becoming the best version of ourselves. That may or may not be enough for our BS after we have destroyed them like this. But thats up to them. Our job is to be authentic now.

Nice work :-)


Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

steppingup

I don't want to "act" remorseful. I want to be remorseful. To embody it.

that's really great and you should give yourself a pat on the back from time to time when you are doing and being the person you want and need to be.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 411 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
ExWayward
♂ New Member
Member # 44295
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to "act" remorseful. I want to be remorseful. To embody it.

But sometimes you need to fake it 'til you make it.


Me: exWH/madhatter
Married to exWW 7/10/84
Her first DD: 12/24/87
My revenge affairs DD: 3/15/88 through 12/07/89
Divorced 11/14/90

Ex WW cheated on me. I retaliated by becoming a cheating monster with numerous women.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 9

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