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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I am so calm when my head should implode. Sorry this is long.
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girls come (22,19&16) home from dinner with Dad really upset. Dad tells them that they are going to attend his therapy session on Wednesday night. He wants to tell them about his "role" in the divorce. He tells them they have to attend regardless of the fact that they had plans!

I speak with each girl separately and get the same story and concerns. They do not want to hear what he did during the marriage. They do not want to talk about this! Regardless of the fact that I have not shared or bashed their Dad they know that his behavior was the reason I divorced his sorry-ass. He spent years in treatment for SA while having a grand ole time with escorts, mistresses and other misc. women.

I call him. Tell him no way for the 16yo and the other 2 have made their own decision and that is not to go.

He offers to send me the script he wrote that he was going to say to them in the therapy appointment. Once I see it I will be "happy". What he wants to tell them will "exonerate" me! Yes he actually said this! It will give the girls the reasons why I was so angry with him. I told him in a calm voice that I do not need him to exonerate me. Thank God I am a rational, moral person otherwise I would take advantage of the opportunity that bullshit statement gave me to kick his ass.

We are having this meeting today to help clarify about what happened between your Mom and me and what my role has been with this divorce. I want you to know who I am and to open the channels of communication.

I sexually betrayed your Mom and after many decades of acting out in compulsive ways, I couldnít stop without help, and I needed to get help to stop this behavior along with my drinking and spending habits.

My life had gotten so out of control that I needed guidance and help. That is why I was gone for several months in Mississippi to a facility to get better. And it was the start of my recovery from sexual, alcohol and spending compulsivity. Today I am sober from all three.

My compulsive behaviors took me away from being the husband your Mom needed and the father I needed to be.

My life goal is to stay sober and to be the father you girls deserve.

Because of all of my compulsive, dysfunctional life choices, including lying, your Mom was very hurt and could not get beyond this. She was very angry and we could not bridge our differences. She has every right to be angry. What I did was wrong, to her and to you.

I am truly sorry for the pain and betrayal I have caused all of you.

It will take your Mom a long time to start trusting again and she has every right to be angry with me. I hope that some day there is less animosity between us. The three of you have certainly felt the tension between your Mom and me and I hope it gets better over time.

You did not do anything to make me do this. None of this is your fault, or your Momís. I made these wrong choices myself. I am so sorry for my behavior, and I hope we can understand the impact of this behavior on you and myself and that we can move toward forgiveness.

Today I go to individual therapy, group therapy and 12 step programs to help keep me on the right path.

If any of you would like to come to therapy with me, you are welcome to.

I love you three very much. You are my greatest source of pride and joy and I love you dearly.

I am here to be open and honest.

I am here to answer and listen to all your feelings, anger and pain.

I love you

Dad


WTF??? Your Mother "could not get beyond this"? Maybe because you never stopped, broke into our home to take money. He got out of that treatment center ( I filed while he was there) and lasted 2 days before purchasing porn and 1 week before meeting up with a hooker! Have PI pics of him going into the motel for an hour.

How does he know about my ability to trust? I do not need that stupid-fuck to make an assessment about my emotional status!
I am very happy thank you very much. Yes I know that I do not easily trust but that is not always a bad thing. The reality is that I will Never trust him again. That is his real bottom line. If I trust him he is absolved isn't he?
He wants less animosity? Huh? He just wants me to stop treating him with indifference. That way we can be "friends" and he can feel better about his morally-bankrupt existence.

Sorry for the rant!
Amen.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Mar 2004
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest he take out all references to "mom" and husband and focus purely on his relationship as a father and his behaviors.

If he truly wants to invite them to therapy, then a command attendance on Wednesday does not make him look very honest in the rest of his letter.

The "mom could not get past this" comment pisses me off too. Stretch used it when he "confessed" and told the boys why he was leaving. Classic blameshifting.

I did a bad thing, but the real crime is the people who expect me to be accountable for my actions... :duh:


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right...it looks like he is blaming your inability to forgive for the divorce.

I just can't get over that he tells the kids that they HAVE to go no matter what their plans. The adult children don't have to do a damn thing. He doesn't own them. And a 16 year old is old enough to know her own mind and refuse to go despite being a minor.

It looks like he is used to getting his own way. If he was really getting better in therapy he would have told you his plans before informing the children and then he would politely ask the girls to attend...not order them.

You have a right to be mad. I would be mad also.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman). Moved and affair ended.
Currently separated because of his alcohol addiction and boundary issues.

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Jan 2007
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Apparently he is a changed man ! Lucky daughters ! Is this part of his 12 Step Program, like a confession ? Not much of a confession when he continues to lay out your perceived inability to trust or get past his A. I'm with you; I'd have to remind him he gave up the space to tell anyone anything about me, especially our daughters. Having read his 'confessional,' it would appear it's still all about him. What a disgusting jerk. ((((Ashes)))) Count your blessings (I know you do) that you no longer have to deal with the lying POS on a day to day basis.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Besides the comment abut you, repeated use of the word "compulsive" stuck out for me. If it is truly compulsive, then he can't help it. He'd need medication.

I believe there is an element of choice SOMEWHERE in all that he did. He's not owning that at all.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!!! I was so outraged but just addressed him in a calm almost monotone voice. Now I am using this forum to Scream! I feel outraged and uber pissed off! I usually do not get like this. I will let it go soon but this bullshit is vent-worthy!!


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Mar 2004
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

vent away!! There tends to be plenty of material here to work with.

I applaud you for the monotone with him! That is some self-control... Way to go!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you caregiver! Damn I am in such a good place and this is not a setback but a triumph. I did not fall for the fucking manipulation. Damn how do these Bozo's sleep at night? I appreciate your support so much. There is nothing like the feeling that someone understands. Even though I wish no one else had to know what this feels like.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Mar 2004
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what do you need to be exonerated for? it sounds like if he's going down with the ship, he'd like to take you down with him.
" yes, I did all these rotten things, but ultimately the divorce your mummy's fault because she's the one who can't get past my rotteness!" He's so generous he'd like to share the burden of blame with you.

Well, at least he's willing to admit his faults. My X feels totally entitled to knock me up, have an affair, left while 6 mos pregnant, and never supporting the children after he left. And he told me and DD(9) that it's ALL MY FAULT.


Posts: 284 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What in the literal fuck is that? His therapist thinks this is a good idea?

What the hell people. Is there some sort of syndrome happening right now? My stbx Cat said all kinds of stupid shit to my DD today too....

Lord, help us, risingfromashes!

What daughter wants to know about her dad's sex addiction??

No. Just....no.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Frustrated  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeepers! What a fucked up letter!

Is this similar to the non-apology apology ( "sorry IF i hurt you") ... non-responsable responsibility? " I'm taking responsibility for my actions so not my fault if someone doesn't forgive and forget."?

Good on your girls for being strong enough to say NO to their father! They must have gotten that from their mother!


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uh yeah. Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus calling him on his bullshit.

He should not presume to know your emotions.
He should talk more about his decisions and less about compulsions.
This is a totally inappropriate topic to force upon his daughters.

What on earth is his therapist thinking?!! I really hope my STBXH's CSAT doesn't try to pull anything similar.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That guy is wasting his money on therapy.
He sounds like a dry adulterer/drunk/spendthrift....just the *command to attend* is enough to illuminate that. And then his *speech* is nothing but blameshifting hooey.

I've come to learn that whenever a WS makes a grand proclamation (such as yours did) about a grand statement that the WS is *ready* to make -- it's usually something absolutely ridiculous and time-wasting.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8088 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, no.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8851 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((rising and dds)))) Rising - you are absolutely right to call this a triumph on your part (and on your DDs' parts, too). Staying calm in the face of all he's throwing at you guys is a huge victory.

You have done such an amazing job with your girls, honey, and it shows in their responses to his proclamations.

As for him? Meh. There's been enough said about him already.

Carry on, Momma. You're doing great.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25773 | Registered: Aug 2011
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree his apology to daughters is all that should be said to them. No details of marriage, I don't know if you have opened communications with the girls about what has happened in the marriage but now might be time to remind them if they have any questions to ask you.
If he's going to tell them details of his behavior, it will be obvious to them why the marriage failed. like I said let them ask you anything they might have questions about.

When I read the words SA and spender, I always think of FT and think WTH was I thinking ???
Luckily my daughter didn't follow my lead and chose much better than I did for a husband. She did learn some valuable lessons of what not to accept even before I had Dday ! I thank God everyday ! I hope your girls will do the same in their futures !
Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a self-entitled asshole. Nice try dickhead.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17551 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"That won't work for me/us" is all that needs be said. And what's he going to do? Kidnap them and drag them down there so that he and his councilor can force them to try to validate his "healing?" I'd say screw him, but "that won't work for me/us."


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4946 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Rising))))

I can't trust myself right now to write what I REALLY think of him. This is one of the most cowardly, dishonest, self-serving, manipulative, and self-serving things I've ever read.

Despicable.

I'm glad you're lovely girls will not be attending this circus.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I could not help but think of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Numbers 8 and 9 read:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others..

I think I would want to have a ice picks shoved through my ears if I had to listen to details about my father's sexual anything. I don't want to know and I know of nothing shady about my dad to even have any qualms about it. What daughter would want to know this??

Since I believe these 12 steps of AA well across any addict behavior, I don't understand how that whole concept is being so blatantly ignored. Does this CSTAT not have children? Is she that out of touch with what it was like to be a young woman? Does she not have a father? This is just absurd.

SI folks, do you think we could get together a posse to castrate Rising's ex? Maybe this would leave him with a little less drive behind his SA behavior.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 20

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