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User Topic: I'm feeling unloved...family issues
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the awful things my mom said to me last week (shocked me, because I always thought we had a good relationship--I posted about them in NB) and last night, they had a gtg for my DD who is back from the A/F for a month. It was the only time my entire family was getting together. My car has been broken down since Tues. I am stranded. I cannot get out of my house, I live rurally with no bus lines or walking.

Everyone knows my car isn't working. I missed 2 doctors appts, counseling, work for 3 days (I am now really behind on bills) and haven't been able to go anywhere at all.

Not one person has called to help. No one called to see if I needed a ride to the gtg. They had it without me. I'm her mom damn it! I should have been there. My DD at least texted and let me know what was going on, but otherwise.....I'm only 40 minutes to an hour away from everyone. It's not like I live in another country or something....

I feel like a nuisance and a burden. Especially after what my mom threw at me, I feel like everyone would be better off it I were gone and they didn't have to bother with me anymore. I don't think they would miss me.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((NA))))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26192 | Registered: Aug 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NA))))

It's not they who would be better off without you--it's you who would be better off without them.

I'm curious--why didn't you reach out to ask for a ride? You're right, you should have been there. Why do you feel like it's imposing to ask them to do things for you, assuming that's what's going on?

I hope you can get the distance to see that this isn't about your lack of worth but their dysfunction, of course you are loveable.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-
why didn't you reach out to ask for a ride? You're right, you should have been there. Why do you feel like it's imposing to ask them to do things for you, assuming that's what's going on?
I think it has to do with what my mom threw at me the last week. Basically she told me to stop bothering everyone and not to expect my boys to help me because they were grown now and had lives of their own and I should have everything in life figured out by now. I had been asking them to come down and help me with the yardwork once a month because now that they have moved out, I can't handle it all on my own. I will be moving in a few years, but until then, it is a very large yard to take care of. They actually haven't been here once this year to help, so it isn't that I am bothering them a lot. I just need a little help getting caught up.

I've had more than my share of bad luck happen this past year, and I have shared it with my mom. We always talk to each other, once or twice a day. She vents about things to me, especially her health for the past ten years, and I vent about dealing with the hassles I've had. Until last week when she told me I stressed her out, I should just give up, and she didn't think she wanted a relationship with me anymore.

I guess I'm still reeling from that, and now I feel like I am a burden to everyone, and I am not sure where that is coming from, because I don't remember asking my siblings for any help at all or even to vent to them. And this is the first time since I turned 16 that I have been without a car and needed help with rides. But I guess I figure since I live a little out of the way, it would put them out and I don't like putting people out.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you can get the distance to see that this isn't about your lack of worth but their dysfunction, of course you are loveable.
I'm really struggling with that right now. I don't know why. I always thought I was loveable. I'm a good person and I care about others. I think mostly I feel like a failure. My finances suck, I don't have money to do the fun things my family does when they get together, and I just feel isolated from them anymore. I don't belong.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA)))

Posts: 36474 | Registered: Mar 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NA))))

Posts: 8009 | Registered: Dec 2010
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK NA.....I totally get your situation.

When FWS died, his family dropped me from their list of family members. Unless I stop them and say Hi, they will walk right by me.

My kids live three hours away and think I'm the "evil devil demon spawn mother from hell" because they didn't get any money from FWS's Life Insurance.

I have a HUGE place to take care of on my own and with no help. So what I did is to really look at what "was done" and "what can I live with" around the house. We used to mow a lot of different areas around the house. Now I've cut back (pun intended) to mowing the areas I use every day. I use wood to heat my house in the winter and we would cut and haul wood home from different places around the area. This year I have 6 to 7 trees on the property that I'm harvesting and next year I'm getting a Logger's Truck load delivered and I'll cut from that.

I hate it...but I've had to ask for rides when I've had car issues. It's a learning experience to have to ask for help, but it's a good learning experience. Reach out and ask for help. Missing work because of car trouble will get you into MORE trouble when they let you go.

Your daughter's home from the military on leave and she's not coming to see you???? That's messed up, but that's on HER. Your Mom???? Toxic.

The bottom line is look at your world and find out what you need to do to make it work for you. Letting part of the yard go is OK. Large mowed areas waste gas. Explore transportation opportunities within your county. Talk to your bosses and see if you have any options there. You might have a co-worker who lives close that you can ride with. Will your bank float you a small loan to get your car repaired?

It's hard.. but don't give up hope. Adjust.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA)))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53011 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{NA}}}}

I'm confused - is your dd not staying with you while she is on leave? How did she get to the party? I agree it totally sucks that no one *worried* about your attendance at all.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Weatherly
♀ Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((NA))))))))

I understand


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4502 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs everyone, and K9, thanks for all the suggestions. And I'm sorry for your situation with your kids. I don't get it. Family is supposed to always be there for each other, no matter what. I don't understand how money comes between the members of a family so easily....

Oh, and my DD stays with my parents.....my house is too small.

I had a break down over the weekend. Rent is due today and I was short $200 because of not working. I IM'd my kids and told them what was going on here, that I am going to start getting behind on the rent, I am having chest pains, I can't even get to see my doctor, and I feel abandoned that no one called to offer me a ride. My DD sent me the money so I have the rent, and my son came down to mow the grass. I feel better that they haven't totally abandoned me and will come thru for an emergency.

My dad called over the weekend (he NEVER makes phone calls) and asked about what is going on between me and mom. I told him. Mom told him I yelled at her! I'm not a yeller. The last time I yelled at anyone was walking away from XSO after the 4 years of ups and downs and screaming at him to "leave me the f*ck alone!"

Other than that, I don't yell. I do put a little more emotion in my voice when I get excited and I know I did that talking to her, so I guess that is what she decided was yelling...and she was doing the same to me. He wants me to call her and make up, but I don't think I'm ready just yet. I need a little more time to cool off. He told me she was hurting about this, and all I can think right now is 'good, she should be hurting.' She can't just say things like "I don't think I can have a relationship with you anymore" and expect me to forget it because she has calmed down. That just isn't right. I even talked to her about having a better conversation with each of us listening to the other person and mirroring back before we responded, so we both felt heard, and she just said "that isn't how me and your father do it."

Whatever. I can't argue with someone who behaves like a petulant 5 year old. I just don't want to do that anymore.....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 12:28 PM, August 4th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry NA.

I'm glad that your kids did come through and help you out over the weekend though.

I wonder if your Mom was upset about something else and that's why she went off on you. Not that it makes it right at all. It sounds like she went to a real extreme though and got pretty nasty. It's one thing to be snappy but the stuff she said was beyond just a little snappy.

I'm sure she was embarrassed and knew she was in the wrong, that's why she told your Dad that you yelled at her.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3099 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then don't. But whatever you do, don't draw your Dad into the middle of it.

And for heaven's sake...stop making the kids feel guilty they aren't helping you. They don't need to know you are having chest pains. All you are doing is setting up the scenario where they stop respecting you and see you as a weak, pathetic old woman.

ASK them if they will come mow the lawn. Is it a push mower or a rider? If it's a rider...do it yourself. If it's a push. Determine what you can live with in a lawn and cut that much.

It's a fact of life that when the kids leave, so does the free labor. Figure out how to do this on your own and DON'T RELIE ON FAMILY OR ASSUME THEY SHOULD/WILL HELP YOU.

Oh...and that family should always be there for each other???? Says who? Not in today's society.

Bitch boots time girl.....figure out how to do this on your own.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh...and that family should always be there for each other???? Says who? Not in today's society.

I think that varies from family to family. I'm sure there are some families that are really just too busy to drop everything and help one an another but there are other families that helping each other is expected.

NA what is your family like as far as helping each other out?

If it's something that is expected and they aren't helping you then I think that's different than a family where helping each other isn't expected.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3099 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

k94ever - I've done everything on my own for the most part. I'm working 2 jobs, going to school full time, dealing with my own health issues, etc....and I rarely ask the kids to help. I know they are getting on with their own lives and I supported my DD when she left to go into the A/F.

I prefer to take care of things on my own and have always been very independent, but when the car broke down and I got stuck at home and I have NO extra money right now and I am having health issues....I have to have some help right now. There isn't anything wrong with asking for help when you truly need it, and in our community, family is the ones you go to for help.

I think that varies from family to family.
I think so too,
NA what is your family like as far as helping each other out?
I was raised that family is always there for each other, and my 2 bffs, their families are the same way. I know they don't all work like that, but mine always has. When I left home, I came back to help my parents from time to time. So did my H at the time. My dad went to his mother's once a week to help her with the yard and the heavy work. I drove my mom around (she doesn't drive) for over 20 years after I left home. It is the way my family has always worked.

That is why I posted this. It knocked me out of left field the way she acted towards me. And then when my family had that gtg, it really hurt me. It made me wonder what I had done wrong that no one would even check to see if I had a ride. I was feeling isolated.

The chest pains, I see a cardiologist. I am not using it to "guilt" them. I'm on meds for my heart. When my grandma died, my family was extremely angry with her for not telling anyone she was having problems. We didn't find out until she passed out on me one night when I spent the night. Dad put her in the hospital and she died within 2 weeks.

After that, our family decided that it was selfish to not let the rest of the family know if you were having some issues. They should know what is going on so they can decide how they want to handle it. Having a family member die on you because they were too proud or whatever to let anyone know they had health issues is selfish.

That was the way I was raised.

Oh...and that family should always be there for each other???? Says who? Not in today's society.
But some families ARE still like that. I do see some families, especially in our rural area, that are very close-knit and take care of each other. Mine was always like that. Again, that is why I posted on this stuff.....I just couldn't understand my mother acting like this. Something has to be wrong somewhere.....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 1:26 PM, August 4th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if your Mom was upset about something else and that's why she went off on you. Not that it makes it right at all. It sounds like she went to a real extreme though and got pretty nasty. It's one thing to be snappy but the stuff she said was beyond just a little snappy.
I know she was upset over my aunt dying and she did tell me that. Our whole family is upset, but it just isn't like her to say such hurtful things to me.

I'm sure she was embarrassed and knew she was in the wrong, that's why she told your Dad that you yelled at her.
I'd like to think that she is embarrassed about her behavior. I felt like I was trying to have a discussion with a child and I kept wondering if she was starting with dementia or something, but I don't see any other signs of it.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like it's time to start making some difficult decisions. My guess is you're upside down on your house? Still, it's probably time to try to unload it and move into a more managable place, even an apartment. Expecting the kids to come help isn't working out, and even if your motive for telling them your health issues is noble, they won't see it that way. They'll see it as manipulation.

The whole situation around the party for your daughter was cruel, but look at it this way. They've shown you who they are. Now believe them.

As for the bizarre behavior of your mom, I'll bet you dollars to donuts she's got her own health issues going on, either physical or mental or both. You can't make her change, so you'll have to learn to deal with it. Applying a modified 180 is your best bet to start out, then see if things start to turn around, but don't count on it.

Figure out what you need to accomplish your goals, simplify your life as much as you can, and try to get by on your own. Anything else is gravy.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sad....
it sounds like it's time to start making some difficult decisions.
Yeah....I have been thinking about it....I'm not upside down on the house, but I do want to get rid of it. It is too much to take care of at this point, but my last child has 2 more years to go in school and I am doing everything in my power to keep her in the same school as she has had enough instability in her life. I want her to be able to graduate with her friends. After that, I am looking for a smaller yard that I can take care of myself again. I don't want to have to depend on the kids at this point.

The main reason I said something about the chest pains is because I needed to see the doctor. I am supposed to go in to see him when I get that "crushing" feeling in my chest. So I needed someone to come down and take me.

As for the bizarre behavior of your mom, I'll bet you dollars to donuts she's got her own health issues going on, either physical or mental or both.
Yup...I know she has physical issues, she vents to me about them daily ( or she did, until she blew up at me). Not sure right now about the mental stuff, that is what I was trying to figure out with her outbursts.....but right now, you are right...the 180 is best for me to give me time to lick my wounds and get a clear head about what I want to do at this point.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA))))


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
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