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User Topic: My anniversary approacheth
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, normally, we would do cards, and maybe I'd book dinner at a fancy restaurant. And that would be that. Predictable. And I read posts from people getting divorced about how their husband got them the same roses or whatever, every year, and it wasn't special. FTG.

OK, so, I want to make it special.

Except, of course, that dark thunderhead of my infidelities looming overhead...

So I had talked to her last month and asked this very question. Whether to do anything or not at all. She said "I don't care if you do or you don't, but if you do it better be meaningful and not just flowers".

So, last night, we're lying there and she starts talking about how she's never really dated anyone besides me, how she's stuck between a rock and a hard place because in order to date other people (and F other people), we'd have to be divorced, but she really regrets not experiencing others, because if she could, maybe she would decide that I'm really the one for her, or maybe she would decide that I'm not really the one for her. Despite all that we had sex anyway.

I can't change the fact that she left home and moved in with me and never dated anyone, and that's not necessarily my fault either. I knew what I wanted, and at the time, I wanted her. I felt what we had was special although, as I said in previous posts, she feels it was the idea of her I loved, and not her. I was 22 at the time, and she was 18.

So, now, here we are. We got married in 2001, which makes this anniversary the 13th (right?).

So, here's a list of gift ideas for the 13th:

http://ideas.thenest.com/anniversary-ideas/thirteenth-anniversary-ideas/articles/13th-anniversary-traditional-gift-ideas.aspx

None of them really call to me as meaningful enough. I know I could and will do a heartfelt card, probably a simple one since I don't recall seeing a "anniversary after infidelity" section at the card store...

But I'm not sure what sort of gift. She does like getting gifts.

I know none of you know BW which makes getting advice difficult. The actual day falls on a sunday, which she usually has off from work. Maybe I could arrange it with her boss without her knowledge to have that saturday off as well, and maybe get her mom to watch DS for the weekend, and take her out to wine country for a bed/breakfast winery tour sort of weekend. Which, she said she'd be interested in doing, but that she wasn't ready to do with me yet. (Does that mean she still wouldn't in another month?)

So, I don't know if a trip sort of thing will backfire or not. After all, who do I think I am trying to plan a romantic weekend 4 months after what I did? On one hand I want to put a lot of effort into something because that, well, shows I'm putting in a lot of effort. And I know she'd appreciate said effort. On the other hand, considering the conversation we had last night -- I mean, was she actually, sincerely, talking to me about her dilemma of not being able to go get to know and bang other guys right in front of me.
I totally deserve for her to, and if I hadn't been unfaithful that sort of talk would be pretty ridiculous to me and upsetting. But now that I don't have a leg to stand on, it seems perfectly reasonable. I've even said if that's what she needed to do, I'd understand (regardless of whether I really would).

So yeah. I don't know what to do.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her dilemma of not being able to go get to know and bang other guys right in front of me.
I totally deserve for her to, and if I hadn't been unfaithful that sort of talk would be pretty ridiculous to me and upsetting. But now that I don't have a leg to stand on, it seems perfectly reasonable.

Hold up. First off, cut this shit out right now. You may be a wayward but that doesn't mean you deserve to get treated like crap. No one does, that's why infidelity is so horrible.

I'm a MH, I've been cheated on three times by my husband. Once before my own affair and twice after. The two times after still hurt just as much and were no more deserved than the one before.

That said, it is good she is sharing this stuff with you. Listen to the pain behind her words, she's suffering under the unfairness of it all. Be empathetic and supportive.

The anniversary stuff....

I don't care if you do or you don't, but if you do it better be meaningful and not just flowers

She wants you to want to make an effort. But she's said a trip with you is beyond her right now. So now you have your parameters; bigger than flowers but not as big as a trip. Seeing as she doesn't like gifts I'm thinking doing something for the day is probably the way to go.

Get her mum to watch DS for the day, go out somewhere for a walk and pack a really nice picnic hamper with some of her favourite foods. Come home and let her have a nice long bubble bath then take her out for dinner and a show?

Are there any nice towns near you with independent boutique type stores or a large craft market? Go out for the day, browse around and pick something out together for the house, have a nice lunch etc?

Book a day at a spa for the two of you to have a swim, a massage and a sauna?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:55 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BBT


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't plan a trip if she's stated she's not ready.

Why not propose to her again? Get a new ring, spend a romantic day together, and ask her to marry you? Tell her you'll plan the whole vow renewal ceremony, and be sure and do it.

Just an idea. If you really like the trip idea, how about doing the picnic thing, and giving her a gift certificate for the getaway, letting her know it's for when she feels she is ready?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooh I like the gift certificate idea!


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the massage, bath, and picnic. Maybe we'll sleep in, I'll cook a small yet elegant breakfast. 2hr hot stone couples massage after that. Then picnic, which I really like. A nice big wicker basket full of gourmet stuff on a blanket. Then, probably wing it for the rest of the day. If she's had enough, I can make her that bath and that's that. If she wants to do more we can go shoot some pool or see a movie. The whole re-marry thing, I dunno. I'm not sure I'd get a "yes" right now! I appreciate the ideas and effort though. Thank you!


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh that sounds like a really lovely day Go to town on that picnic basket and make it really special.

I have so much hope for you and your family, SH. I hope you have an enjoyable anniversary together, let us know how it goes.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Hopefuldad468
♂ Member
Member # 44143
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to be the judge of your own situation (as I do not know what would go over well for you)....

But with any anniversary - this can be a trigger for her. She is going to be thinking about the A anyway a bit....

While the ideas sound great ...how can you add something truly meaningful....something that would help her move forward and build trust and safety in your relationship going forward...

It would have to be something "sincere" from you to her. Something truly meaningful....something that helps you move foreword without causing an issue in the present. Something that was from YOU and something that is not too easy (something you have to put effort into).

I am not much for spending lots of money sometimes and I do not know your talents or what she likes and what may be not good for your relationship ....
You could augment your picnic, wineary day, whaterver with somethig simple...

-Poem by you to her (insert song or whatever your talent is).
-Letter which reinforces your love and builds more trust...maybe love letter if sappy romance is her style
-Personal pampering and/or massage (with no expectation of sex) to build intimacy and giving
-Something more "daring" if it suits her (only you can decide this).

Point is - don't just "buy" your way through the day...it is the EFFORT that matters.


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest USA
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Why not propose to her again? Get a new ring, spend a romantic day together, and ask her to marry you? Tell her you'll plan the whole vow renewal ceremony, and be sure and do it.
Tread lightly with this idea, if she's not ready for a weekend will she be ready for that?

Some would, others not so much.

For me it would ruin the day. After all he didn't keep his promise before, why bother making one now. Would I like us to do a vow renewal in the future? Yes, but only after he's proven his commitment to the M.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could augment your picnic, wineary day, whaterver with somethig simple...

-Poem by you to her (insert song or whatever your talent is).
-Letter which reinforces your love and builds more trust...maybe love letter if sappy romance is her style
-Personal pampering and/or massage (with no expectation of sex) to build intimacy and giving
-Something more "daring" if it suits her (only you can decide this).

Yes, I'm going to do something like that for sure. Probably while we're picnic'ing etc.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
IStillLoveHim2
♀ New Member
Member # 37456
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH scheduled a session for us to get our pictures taken. Just him and I. It was romantic and sweet and completely out of the norm for us.


Me 40
WH 43
D Day 8/28/11
Married 20 years

Posts: 24 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: IStillLoveHim2
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something out of the norm.

My questions on this.
Do you know your BW?
Have you listened to what she has told you about her hopes and dreams and fantasies?
Do you know what she would like to do?

I can appreciate that you want to make it a special day for her. I can appreciate that you are looking for help to find those answers. That is a good step. But depending on how much time you have from now until then. I would spend time GETTING TO KNOW your BW. I have been with my BW for almost 20 years. And I only had a small idea of who she really was or what she really liked/wanted. Based on your other posts. she is going to feel your expectations and mostly likely whatever you plan, that is going to be in the back of her mind. My BW and I discussed this at length during our trip last weekend to a B&B. How even 6 months earlier it would not have had the same effect. as it did this weekend. Just something to keep in mind.

Another thought, she is telling you she wished that she would have dated other people. I have an idea. Take her on a platonic date. Like you would a first date. Mini-golf, dinner at Joes (I think that was the poolhall/pub food you mentioned a while back) Funny how I am remembering that she told you she would have appreciated that more then the fancy french restaurant you took her to, but that already has slipped your mind. So date her. Get to know her. be open and honest, let her get to know you. JMHO

Wishing you the best!!


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJ is right.

Your BW doesn't want "romantic" right now. She wants thoughtful, planned out, special. Like DrJ pointed out, the big french restaurant kind of missed her mark.

I know you said no trips. But if you could, I'd consider going back somewhere where you a nice day early in your relationship. Not something really big or meaningful. Don't go where you proposed, or the first time you had sex or anything like that. Just a place where you were happy and connected. I really like DrJ's idea of a fun date. Amusement park or something like that work? A massage and picnic might be good, but think about whether it is too much.

BW and I started out with a drink or two after work.

The point is to make her feel safe and appreciated. Not pressured, not being swept up ion a grand gesture. She cannot open herself up to that right now.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, y'all are observant! (I guess having my previous posts at hand also helps).

All Good feedback. You're right, I shouldn't go too over the top. No fancy dinner. The massage isn't a big deal because we've already been doing those as part of a subscription I got us because of all this.

I'll have to see how things go the next few weeks. I really like the platonic date idea. Mini golf, shoot pool, maybe get some mexican, which she loves.

We'll see.

Seriously, it means a lot to me that you all took the time to give me thoughtful feedback on this.



Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thought, she is telling you she wished that she would have dated other people. I have an idea. Take her on a platonic date. Like you would a first date. Mini-golf, dinner at Joes (I think that was the poolhall/pub food you mentioned a while back) Funny how I am remembering that she told you she would have appreciated that more then the fancy french restaurant you took her to, but that already has slipped your mind. So date her. Get to know her. be open and honest, let her get to know you. JMHO

I LOVE Dr.J's idea.
I'd even take it a hair further and "introduce" yourself as if you're actually going on a first date.
Ask HER all sorts of "getting to know you" questions, even if you already know the answer. Be playful and coax her along with a smile if she looks at you like "Why are you asking me this, you already know". Open doors and pull out her chair.
I'd also suggest doing this more than once a year. You should woo your wife daily...court her. Make her feel like she is the only woman in the world (and mean it!!).
Have fun.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6458 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW's input on this: do something active so that if she doesn't want to talk about 'it' there is an obvious and easy other topic.

Picnic sounds nice, but you sit down, set up, and then... Talk. Just the two of you. For a while. 'It' will by default be a topic given the day.

Not saying she won't be thinking about it, but if you're somewhat busy doing something, she can distract herself with it if she wants. Or she can talk about 'it' while doing something.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 472 | Registered: May 2014
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting turn of events... :)

BW works in a restaurant as an assistant manager; a recent promotion. Last night she says, "You know what we should do for our anniversary?" I raise my eyebrow. "I need to learn the wines we sell, so we can go there mid-day, after sleeping in, and have a glass/bottle of wine an hour, sit at the bar, you can read to me from this wine book about the different wine types and regions etc. Then, in the evening, when we couldn't possibly drink anymore, we can stumble over to the hotel across the street."
I said something like "As a matter of fact, I posted in The Forums for ideas recently because I didn't know what we should do." She said "Ha! You should go post that we're going to drink wine all day and night."

So I am

She started the day off depressed yesterday, but it ended up well. At one point she told me she was depressed and things seemed exactly as they were pre-A. And it's true, without friends and facebook it's like the old days... of... um... no friends and pre-facebook.

So, I calmly stood my ground, and gently reminded her of everything I've been doing lately for personal growth. I told her if she's depressed about my infidelities I will 100% understand and do whatever she wants (leaving her alone, or keeping her company etc), but if she's just depressed in general, then I didn't want to be depressed as well since I was in a decent mood.
I said I'm working on me and I can't take responsibility for your moods as far as those that don't pertain to me. (or something to that effect).

She didn't answer, and that whole thing could've back-fired on me. But, it didn't. Shortly thereafter she came out of the bedroom, grabbed a bottle of rum and made herself a cocktail, after which she says "I feel a lot better. I just needed something to take the edge off."

I forgot what exactly she said after that, but there was some sort of joke at my expense and I spoke up about that as well and told her I didn't appreciate "the digs". I told her that I take my transgressions very seriously and she apologized.

It was my birthday recently, and I was out at dinner with my son (BW couldn't go). The waiter looks at him and says "SO, how old are you?" I replied, tongue in cheek, "39". He goes "Oh! I just assumed it was the young man's birthday." Nope, just mine. He says, "Well, I'm 42, just about ready to have my midlife crisis: buy a boat, and find myself a 26 year old." I don't remember if he was wearing a wedding ring or not, but I smiled weakly and left him a penny as his tip. I'm joking, I gave him a normal reasonable tip, but still, my red alert was going off.

Anyway, thanks for listening. We're 3.5 months out, and I'm starting to care less about what the future will bring and more about the simple things. I have a lot of time on my hands lately since I gave up martial arts. We signed DS up for drum lessons and I just finished putting together an electronic drum set for him. After having some truly horrible days over the past few months, I'll gladly take a few "normal" ones.

I feel very fortunate to still have BW and the more time that passes the more I feel like she's going to stick around, though I still can't be 100% certain.

Time to take the dogs for a walk. It looks like a peaceful evening out there.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some years ago, a guy that worked in my office was coming up on his tenth anniversary. He told us that he wanted to do something really special to mark the day just to remind her that she is the love of his life and that he is still "all in".

After many suggestions he came up with one of the greatest ideas I've ever seen. Mind you, this was pre-pintrest so, I was totally impressed.

He bouts a basket and filled it with 10 of her favorite things. A bottle of her favorite liquor, a CD of her favorite music artist, a bottle of her favorite bath and body lotions, a pair of fuzzy socks....I don't remember the rest but, I was so stricken by how well he knew her and what she would like. He came back to work from the weekend off and gave everybody a big thumbs up!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 746 | Registered: Apr 2013
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok- so she mentioned to you that she never got to truely date before you and she regrets that.

So here's an idea to let her know you are listening to her pain and though she may not be able to date anyone else (clearly), she can certainly date you!

Why not add to your anniversary a nice calendar composed of some of her favorite pictures over the years. Then each month, have a special date on the calendar set aside for a date night already planned out. It could have a theme, it could be something as simple as a walk around the neighborhood after dinner. Let her know that you are thinking about things not just anniversary wise, but also in the future. You are setting aside 12 special dates for her to look forward to this year.
Think maybe tickets to her favorite band, or during baseball season, a night out to the game, know that the state fair is a certain month? Add that to the calendar. Is there something she always loves to do with you that is seasonal? Plan that. (canoeing)
(Side note: Be sure to include one she gets to plan as well, but maybe a little later in the year. Also, make sure that whatever date you plan, you do EVERYTHING you can do to keep that date. Commitment is key.)

Good luck!

eta: You could also add that maybe on the 13th date, she'll be ready for that BIG overnight trip or she can trade it in early at any time. This can give her time to think about it on her own terms.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 11:08 PM, August 4th (Monday)]


WW(me) 33
BS(him/Jt8d) 35 | Teaches me real, true unbroken love every day.

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully." J. Brot


Posts: 192 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 19

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