Yesterday the OW BS called me. She things the OW is having another affair, and she knows I had info that she hadn't wanted to hear before. She wanted to now...so I told her about the affair her girlfriend had prior to my H, another older married man. We talked. She is a wreck, a total mess. Trying to catch her GF in lies, checking up on her, looking for proof, etc. OMG!!! it brought up all those old feelings. H was so understanding, helpful, remorseful...
I have thought of telling him I forgive him every day for the last 3 days, but I stop myself every time....Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I want to be absolutely certain that I FULLY forgive him. I don't want to tell him that, and then realize 2 weeks from now it was just gratitude, or feelings of appreciation. Maybe because I dont' want to "let him off the hook" for lack of a better term. Maybe because I don't want him to think that it means I'm "over" it. Because I'm not.
Who has forgiven their WS? How and when did you do it? Were you happy you did? Did it have meaning?
but I stop myself every time....Why? I'm not sure.
Because your not sure. That's OK.
I'm 4 years out and I have never told my W I forgive her.
Who has forgiven their WS?
Did it have meaning?
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:21 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
Trust was the issue for me. My W's PA was 4.5 months long. The relationship with ow was sick for 15 months, but it's hard to pinpoint where it crossed over to betrayal. W was a model WS after d-day. It took me about 3 years to trust my W again, and I think our MC thinks that was a little fast.
Patience, Shayna, patience. (((Shayna71)))
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:37 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
The lump that resided in my throat for 5 months left - I knew I could finally really forgive him. All along he had been doing all the right things, but his withholding details (that I found out bit by bit) were chipping away at my resolve.
Are we 100% reconciled and totally happy now? No! I still look at him in disbelief over the extent of what he and the OW did. And my nights are filled with terrible dreams of what they did. But forgiveness is definitely a step in the right direction. And I can honestly say that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I don't know if any of this resonates with you. I wish you the best of luck!!
I thought I forgave him sooner than I said, but I did want to make sure I did because my emotions were all over the place. Give yourself time. The emotions and thoughts you are having are normal. Give your self time. Have patience with yourself as you heal.
Right now my feelings of forgiveness are that it's a fair thing to say you forgive, but still remember. The memories are still painful. You can forgive parts, but not all. Etc. It doesnt have to be an all or none, black or white thing.
and no reason at all to say it until you want to.
In my experience The forgiveness I offered to my wife was gift that I gave myself. It allowed me to move on with my life. The baggage of pain I carried was released when forgiveness was given to her. To be fair this took a while to get to this position, and for me it was obvious that I was just hanging to the bad thoughts.
How do you do it? I thought I did, buy I sometimes feel back closer to square one than 18 months out...maybe I backtracked a bit recently and have I forgiven? How do you do it...I want release too.
lordhasaplan, of course you are right. I'm obviously not ready, or I'd just do it, and not be unsure. I wish I knew why. There certainly are things that bother me more than others, but I don't think I can pick and choose. You and mhcs and Lark all offer the same advice, to try and forgive some aspects. Sometimes it seems like I am trying to forgive him for not being being the person he was supposed to be, for not having character, so while some actions are worse than others, they are all in same bucket of sh#t. I might try and think about this, though.
Sisoon, the EA started in late June 2013 and became physical in mid July. DDay was Sep 20, 2013. it was a little less than 3 months. I def do not trust yet, and he knows and accepts that. Our MC makes me feel as though she thinks I should be moving along, and sometimes I feel pressure to be "better" than I really am. But when I feel like that, I just say so. For the most part she is wonderful. I know without her we would NOT be together. She has not mentioned forgiveness, probably because I haven't.
needfriendshere, I know what you mean. I had to have ALL the details to. I wanted to understand how he could do it. So for weeks after DDay I peppered him with questions, one after another, at all hours of the day and night, and he answered them all. It is a double edges sword, though. first off, I will never "understand" it because I would never do it, and I needed to know ALL the details so that I didn't feel like there were any secrets between them, but of course, once you know, you can't un-know
brkn_hearted and Ausman, I hear that alot, that forgiveness is for me, and not him, but I don't really get that. For me forgiveness means that I believe he is genuinely remorseful, repentant, that he owns what he did and understands the magnitude of it, that he appreciated the gift I've given him by choosing to stay with him, and that he will NEVER do anything like this again.
Cosmicjoke, yes, I think it is alright. People keep saying I have to forgive the OW, and I have no intention of it, never, ever, ever. I am completely at peace with that.
You will know when forgiveness is ready. He your WH is not asking for it, don't give it, don’t give it until it feels so easy to say that its almost like saying, "please pass the salt".
It should be effortless. I know, I know, you want to reward him for his remorsefulness. He will get your forgiveness when it is ripe.
By posting here, you already told us it is not ripe, so do nothing.
Also see where your forgiveness is coming from. Keep in mind we have different components to our being. 1) Emotional Self 2) Physical Self 3) Intellectual Self 4) Spiritual Self. Make sure each of these components of you are in agreement with the forgiveness part.
For me my early forgiveness was "Spiritual" only, as I was trying to be a good Christian man and forgive because the bible says we need to forgive others of their sins they commit to us.
But, my emotional self and others were not ready...I suffered much for the early forgiveness, because the lies and cheating continued. Not fun, hun?
Forgive when it is time, be fully in agreement with that action and let you WH know when you give it, that it is precious and must be protected with HIS LIFE!
PS - My WW's IC told he that she should hope that I forgive her but that she shouldn't expect it. She understood completely, and so would your WH. Remeber, he broke your heart..and changed forever what we long expected...that one day when were are old and nearly dead, to say, "thank you dear for standing by myside and never leaving me or forsaking me"..no, we have lost that honor and privlidge forever because of their selfish behaivor.
[This message edited by steppingup at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1