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I called my fWW's AP's wife and told her about the affair a week or two after DD.

This was the action which brought an end to the affair, basically. The OM dumped fWW.

The realization this brought to me was that I was "plan B". That if, I had not discovered the affair, or if I kept silent about it, it would have continued. I was a "convenience", a "money object", a "support system" for her.

FWW was very angry with me for ending her affair.

She wanted to continue to have the affair while I continued all the responsibilities of being husband and father.

Just wondering if this was the case for any of you, and if you reconciled successfully.

Both WS and BS welcome to reply.

I have felt like Plan B since D-Day. fWW says I wasn't, but we'll never really know. I think I will always feel second best as long as we are together.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 9:33 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

I empathize.

The affair ended only because I found out. She would have continued it had I not.

Our reconciliation is successful, in that we're together, both relatively happy, and enjoying life. I don't enjoy it as much as I did before D-day, but I feel my life is better with her than without her. And I can't imagine anyone else taking her place.

Yet I now know in my heart of hearts that I am replaceable to her.

It's tough to unlearn that which I once felt I knew for sure, but that's life.

I am in the same boat with everything mentioned. I am the support system and the money object, nothing more. All responsibilities for running a household and parenting are on me.

IF your wife choses to do the hard work required of facing her demons through IC, and IF she shows true remorse, then I could see the possibility of R.

Mine chose to ignore facing her demons and refuses IC. Instead, she is now in yet another A; therefore, we are done.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 9:56 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

Same here!!

After H's first affair ended, he came back to me after telling me he wanted a divorce and he would give me custody of our daughter. Of course, I had no idea he was having an affair. I just thought we had a shit marriage.

He continued his shenanigans until getting caught. I suppose he would have continued indefinitely. I don't just feel like plan b, I'm much lower in the alphabet.

I know how you feel. After I discovered the affair my WH refused to end it. I moved out, he moved his Ap in. A few months later he requested a meeting. He told me that it had all been a mistake, that he realised there was nothing wrong with our marriage before his skank came along... blah blah blah. Honestly all I could think was that things weren't so magical now that they had shared responsibilities, and he wanted me to step back in as plan B. Months have gone by, she is gone, but that thought is still there. That he is only trying to fix things with me because his life has fallen apart without me.

This is a slow process for me. Partly because I need the reassurance of him fixing his life without me to know that I am more than his plan B. More than his life janitor. He has already shown me that I disposable. I hate to think I am also reusable.

We are still only talking about R, and still legally separated.

he is only trying to fix things with me because his life has fallen apart without me.

Right. No one to pay the rent, no one to buy the groceries.

No one to be the parent, since she made "friends" out of her children so she could suck emotional support from them.

I was both disposable and reusable. However, I was not replaceable by the OM because he had his own responsibilities.

life janitor

Yep. That's what I was.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:16 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]

I am in the exact situation.

D-Day was a month ago. The wife of OM busted them so my wife came home and confessed to me. A few hours later, OM tells my wife it is over between them as he is trying to fix things with his wife and family.

My wife spent the next two weeks borderline suicidal and I truly believe it was because he broke it off with her instead of her being upset about ruining our marriage and possibly breaking up our family. She is on anti-depressants now so doing a little better.

We are in limbo. Still undecided as to whether we will R or S.

Upon my first DD I did the "it was a singular bad choice by my wife....she knows it....will never do it again" thing. An attitude and perspective supported by my own CoD tendencies, our MC, and our pastor. I chose NOT to engage the other BS and trusted my wife to end her A.

The result?

A second DD that showed my wife's willingness to take her EA to PA level.

I changed my choices.

I met OM on his front porch late at night.....that was the night he dumped my wife. I then engaged the other BS a month later. He found another woman to get into weeks after that....his wife choosing to not D. That's their journey.

Your post resonates with me. It's little comfort to think our girls or his 5 kids are no more a factor in their wayward choices then we were, but it does confirm the truth that people in affairs are in it for one person.....themselves.

As soon as OM stopped getting what he wanted.....free no strings sex.....he was onto another. When my wife got dumped, she became numb to me....to life in general. Her choice was to concentrate on her business.

2 years and $11k in therapy and we are improving.

Do I feel safe? No.

Do I feel chosen and committed to? No.

Do I feel abandoned by her? Yes, sometimes.

Note: I did have a third DD a month ago.....wife lurking his FB page. Still have not had an out flowing of truth from my wife. So that affects the above answers?

Why do I continue to offer R? Because I have hope. I do not think full on adultery is being chosen by her, but her recent choices are infidelity.

This is not easy. Even if you and I gave our wives a "build sheet" of what would help us heal and they did it all.....I believe we would still struggle with what we struggle with.

I don't know about you, but I desire far more than a checklist marriage after working through this trial.

I pray my heart continues to soften and I find the courage to be vulnerable to my wife. I pray my heart and mind change so that I can grow past MY pre-A limitations. I pray the same for my wife.

I also pray for all on SI.

I will say a specific prayer for your M and family right now.

God is with us all.

My wife has shown more anger and venom towards me than to the man that helped her destroy parts of her, our original M and hurt 7 kids. That is what she has allowed me to see.

The first DD I was in shock. The second DD I was more alert. My wife was like a junky whose dealer just left town. I get this is part of the process....a wayward grieving the loss if the illicit relationship.....but it is damn painful.

You are not alone.

From my reading it is apparent to me that wayward wives typically have more grief over loosing their affair then men do. Add to this our wives got dumped and logically I get why they were hurt. Still......it SUCKS!

Peace brother. PM anytime.

oBH knew about the A about 10 days earlier than I did and accepted 'sharing' his W. If my W hadn't revealed the A, I guess it could still be going on.

If you want to R, you have to accept immense disrespect and immense numbers of disrespectful acts. That is, I think, an unavoidable part of the process.

I just focused on 1) what I wanted and 2) whether or not I thought my W was going to do the necessary work. R requires me to process my feelings about what she did, but what she did was irrevocably in the past and unchangeable.

Maybe the BS is plan B on d-day. WRT R, though, what matters is being plan A now. Part of the WS's work for R is making sure the BS sees that she's doing the work.

JMO, of course.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:01 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Yep, I was plan B.

WW doesn't / won't work, even though the extra money would have helped. I was working a full time job, plus side work when available, and I was trusting/naive enough to not really question where she spent money. Hell, it turns out I paid for their hotel room.

Married OM's wife busted him, and he dumped my W immediately. I was actually the last to know. Even my 14 year old daughter knew before me. My WW would also rather be the kids "friend" instead of being a parent. But, that has backfired on her, it has caused a rift between them. I was always the responsible husband and father, the kids knew it then and know it now.

After being dumped, I also got seething anger and rage from WW. Hello crazy, you just betrayed and destroyed our marriage, took part in destroying another marriage, five kids are involved between two families, and you're angry at me? WTH?! I guess I just deserved to be punished for being faithful.

I knew this was an emotional phase post dday and it had to run it's course.

I wouldn't call our status R right now, not until she is free of all addiction. Her wayward behavior has stopped, and she is trying, and I am happy to see it. We are getting along better, hardly ever fight now. She has not drank in a little while, I think I have about convinced her to go to counseling. For me, R is not possible with addiction.

I am hopeful for the future, she is trying, and I will support her efforts to be a better person and better wife. It seems like slow and hard work.

Good luck tfkeel! And everyone here!

Upon my first DD I did the "it was a singular bad choice by my wife....she knows it....will never do it again" thing. An attitude and perspective supported by my own CoD tendencies, our MC, and our pastor.

Our pastor was aligned with yours, that I shouldn't do anything. His goal seemed to be to keep the marriage "together" at any cost.

However, Dr. Dobson and our MC (who was an ex-pastor with a DD degree) did not share that perspective. Both of them agreed that I should "tell" and expose the affair.

I was (and still am) desiring to live my life pleasing to God.

I went to see the OM on DD. He told me that he promised my WW that he would "be there for her".

I told him that it was now time for him to prove that.... that the electric bill was due, the rent comes next week, and I'm on the summer plan with the heating oil company to fill the tanks in July.

And, I'm moving out, and, I'm not paying....

If you want to R, you have to accept immense disrespect and immense numbers of disrespectful acts. That is, I think, an unavoidable part of the process.

I agree. I had willingness to accept the disrespect of the past. But being "plan B" is disrespect of the future.

You can only be Plan B if your choose to be and allow it to happen. Once you make the decision to R at all costs or stay in the relationship at all costs you are automatically agreeing to be Plan a just to not have to start over and face the facts.

When your WS refuses to meet the necessary requirements that you impose to feel safe and rebuild trust , you have just become Plan a when you choose to stay.

The WS does not do it . You do it to yourself by allowing them to dictate the terms of you still having a relationship with them.

Why did they not want you before their affair blew up ??

Just my opinion

Why did they not want you before their affair blew up ??

Exactly right. Didn't want me then, you don't want me now. Nothing has changed in that regard.

Our pastor was aligned with yours, that I shouldn't do anything. His goal seemed to be to keep the marriage "together" at any cost.

However, Dr. Dobson and our MC (who was an ex-pastor with a DD degree) did not share that perspective. Both of them agreed that I should "tell" and expose the affair.

After my lackluster start....I called a Christian hotline. The therapist that called me back immediately instructed me to get and read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson. It was spot on with the true biblical way to handle sin. My pastor meant well....but he was focused on keeping the family together and only had my word on my wife's "state of remorse".....which I foolishly created in my head and reported to him. I understand and forgive him. He is still a trusted advisor. He, like I, had no idea my original M was killed. We both assumed some pretty wrong assumptions. Which is what many waywards want.....because if we assume they don't have to share their painful feelings. They much prefer the "only good feelings" they found in their affair.

Note: I enjoyed the "here's the bills, here's the reality if you are "there for my wife"" way of handling this. Would have been cool to do that....but I didn't need to. Just the sheer presence of me in his porch late at night had him disowning my wife with his first words. Yep.....soul mates to the end. Who knew the end could come so fast!!!!

Hang tough, brother. This post started about "planning". Scheming was done, but real planning? Nope....can't plan with lies and fairy dust. Real planning takes work. Waywards choose NOT to work on relationships.....instead they have a "that feels good.....let's go with that" attitude towards life.

Problem after DD is nowhere "feels good". Some waywards implode (OM into another A), some freeze up and stay in limbo, some find the courage to do what they have fought to NOT do their whole lives. They committ and plan to do some pretty dang tough.....planning and connecting.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:38 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Ok lets look at this another way....a remorseful WS should be worried that THEY are plan B!!!!

I am not trying to be trivial...but infidelity takes us back to square one.....

I am not trying to minimize ....just working on my own self esteem which of course took a huge hit....

It took me forever to realize that AP was plan B. And not a very good one at that.

H has said numerous times that he never thought of leaving.

Oh, how hard it was for me to accept the that the A wasn't about me. Wasn't about his unhappiness with me.

It was about his unhappiness with himself.

Thats such a hard thing to see because you're so hurt.

I was plan A all the time.

My take..

I KNEW A was happening. Three discussions w H "let's D. I am not happy. Let's end amicably for kids sake and me not finding out what I don't want to know. End it. Be fair".

I was told no. Hw didn't want D. Nothing was going on

THREE discussions. Tears. Me telling him I feel like I'm going nuts

DD happens. He admits it. I kick out. We talk. He "luvs way she makes him feel" but isn't in love w her

For the sake of heart broken kids, I allow him to stay in house on his comfy couch. He goes to IC w me. He insists. He states his reasons. He never wanted D. Wanted to feel desired. Relevant. Finds own IC that week. Says he was compartmentalizing. He wants to R

Am I Plan B? Nope. I'm Plan reality. I'm Not plan fantasy. I'm plan "I leave u, u live in crap apt, have no health ins, see kids every other weekend and pay me $2500 a month while I move another man in your bed within the year and live a very happy life caring for someone who cares for me". I'm NO ONE'S plan B, ever.

I'm plan" u better do everything in your power to show me u are worthy of my attention bc you f'ed up royally".

Don't be anyone's plan b. If u see yourself as that, change it.

He told me that he promised my WW that he would "be there for her".

I told him that it was now time for him to prove that.... that the electric bill was due, the rent comes next week, and I'm on the summer plan with the heating oil company to fill the tanks in July.

And, I'm moving out, and, I'm not paying....

Well done.