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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How many Ddays are too many DDays?
Awaken
♂ New Member
Member # 44112
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grappling that another Dday may occur. Reading posts of more than one Dday, Reconciles, then it happens again? How many are too many?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2014
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My second Dday was "it" for me. Although it didn't actually cause me to give up at that point. It was somewhat a "delayed reaction" as I thought about what the second Dday meant.

Second Dday was the day in the counselor's office when he required her to call her AP and end the affair. Right there, in front of me and him.
And she refused.

The counselor turned immediately to me and said "...I think you have every right to end your marriage right now..."

He was correct. What I figured out later, is that her refusal meant that she had watched me hurt for two weeks, lose 13 pounds, walk the streets in disbelief, etc..... and, she had a completely depraved indifference to how her affair affected me and her children.


Posts: 588 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the course of 9 months I was raped and I caught my husband in two affairs. I can't believe I'm still standing some days. Yet, I'm healing.
The first dday was life altering, I knew he could do it, the second one was me realizing he had a big problem. One he wouldn't share with me. It's been so very very difficult to forgive myself for staying but I'm waiting , watching and seeing the positive memories can take hold in our new life...
What you should do- decide on your deal breakers and stick to them. File for divorce if you have to, it can always be rescinded...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5535 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry, but I don't think anyone can give you an answer to this question,as I believe this Is very personal to everyone and every situation. What might be good for me, might not be the right answer for you. For example, I have a friend who was only married 6 months when she found out her WH had an A. For her one DDay was enough. For me, I have been married 26 years, walking away at one DDay was not even a consideration.

We all have different beliefs regarding marriage, separation and divorce as well as many other things such as religion and financial circumstances, the involvement of children etc. that effect our views. Combine all of this with the type, length and style of betrayal or A and you have a different set of circumstances for everyone.

You need to think hard about what your line in the sand is and decide exactly how many DDays are too many DDays for you. Good luck, may you find the path you should follow.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
marionwendy
♀ Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One DD is enough for me! Any more and I'm gone! No chances NONE!


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it totally depends on WW for me.

If the healing and hard work continues, two would be the deal breaker. If we fall back to old ways, one will be too many for me.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel...so sorry to read that....

One dday is enough for me.....when I read of others here discovering another A or the first A never ended I cringe....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
lifeistough
♂ New Member
Member # 44002
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with emotionalgirl - it is do dependent on so many variables. Having said that, it's pretty hard for me to imagine reliving another one. But with almost two decades in and with two children, I guess anything is possible. I hope I - and you -never have to find out though.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2014
isitme24
♂ New Member
Member # 43463
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure there won't be a 3rd....for me.

[This message edited by isitme24 at 10:29 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you'll know when you know. Wh had 3 distinct D-days involving the same AP. I knew on April 27, 2013 that that was the final time he'd ever lie to me and 'get away with it'. It has taken over a year for me to wander into this forum, but I have made it abundantly clear to wh that if I get even so much as a whiff of affair partner in his life or anyone else or even a little white lie about blinking that he.is.out. out. out. out. He gets no more chances where being faithful to me is concerned. I just knew. I haven't budged in that thinking.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had two Ddays. The first was a discovery of an A that had ended a year prior. two months and many TTs later I discovered it was actually 4PAs, but they had all ended as of the first Dday. On the one hand, it wasn't fair to let me go on that long healing from Dday1 without ALL the information. On the other hand, I don't know that I could have processed it all at once and it definitely would have hindered if not destroyed our chance to R. I'm still ticked about having Dday#2 because it caused me PTSD, however I do understand the reason he chose not to tell me it all on Dday#1. I don't know how I would feel if Dday#2 included realizations that the As were continuing after Dday#1. Once my H realized how deeply this impacted me, continuing the As would have been too big of a blow for me personally...he allowed himself to live in the denial of what he was doing until Dday with a lot of compartmentalization and rationalizing, then he broke down and 'got it' once he realized he had destroyed me, our relationship and family. I don't know or understand how someone cannot realize the impact of their actions to this degree, but he was in such a self loathing dark depressed state prior to Dday. I feel like it was his one chance to change his ways, so if Dday#2 included the realization that the As had continued, it would have been a deal breaker for me. IT's a personal choice, what you can or can't handle living with. For me, the most important factor was that he went NC on Dday#1 even though I didn't know about the 3 other AP existing yet....that proved his choice to focus on his family was real, even if his way of doing so (TTs and hiding the other 3As) sucked. If any of those As had continued til Dday#2, for me personally that would have been a deal breaker. He had his one chance to realize the impact of his actions, I'm not one to hand out multiple chances. But then again, I never thought I'd give him one chance after even a ONS, let alone 4PAs over years until I had to walk in these shoes....moral being, I always felt 1Dday was too much, til I was faced with one.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
JLyn1128
♀ Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like Stunnedin12... we've had 3 DDs with the same AP over a period of about 16 years. This time nearly killed me. I rugswept the first two times and we didn't deal with any of it, really deal with it. So, for me, this is the last time. This time we are dealing with it...including my dealing with my own issues that made our relationship unsatisfying for him. This time, I know I'm working on everything I have control of. If it happens again... I'll know it's not anything to do with me and nothing I can fix. Once I know that...what point would there be to stay. I think it's probably different for everyone.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it happens again... I'll know it's not anything to do with me and nothing I can fix

honey you do realize none of your Ddays had anything to do with you, don't you?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5535 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me? A second dday would be it. But I also said that if a first dday occurred, that would be it. And here I am. However, knowing that WH has watched me lose my ever loving shit after this came out, if he did it again, so help me baby Jesus, it would not be pretty. First time you can claim ignorance of the fallout. Second time? Knowing what it did to your BS? Nope.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One. One Dday is too many.


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I consider all mine to be one big fall off the wagon and all part of one "episode." If there were another, well, that would be a second event, a second betrayal. And, unfortunately, I would be done.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 478 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 16

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