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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Trying to Work Through my Thoughts
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Frustrated  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I need advice or just need a place to work through some of my thoughts.

My wife has been putting in a lot of work, show remorse and trying to do everything I ask. I'm having a hard time lately. I think a big part of what's going on is for her, this whole thing was a quick detour and now she's back on track. Nothing has really changed for her. But for me things have changed at a fundamental level and sometimes I don't think she gets that.

Like I said if I mention something she tries really hard to give me what I want/need. But she basically does exactly what I say and to me it feels robotic and insincere. Like she's executing a set of instructions or checking things of a list. What I really want is to feel like I really matter. Like me and our relationship is a priority to her.

Little things the were minor annoyances before really up set me now. For instance the other day she had picked up dinner on the way home and stopped by the store. Someone she knew stopped her and went into a long story. She was about 20 minutes later getting home and dinner was cold. I can't for the life of me understand why she wouldn't say something like "I'd love to hear this story another time, but I have dinner in the car and I want to get home before it's cold."

Or when we are talking and she suddenly checks a text, I now want to throw her phone on the floor and stomp on it. In the past it was annoying but not like this.

It just feels like she puts me (and her self) after everyone and everything else. At the same time I'm feeling way too needy. I don't like it. Partially because I'm an independent person for the most part and I've always liked that about myself. Partially because being needy with her puts me in a situation where I'm vulnerable to someone whose already hurt me.

I sometimes wonder if I have to accept this as my new normal if I want R. The truth is I've changed she hasn't. And before the A, I was very very happy with my relationship.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or when we are talking and she suddenly checks a text

This is infuriating when anyone does it. I have, on more than one occasion, threatened to shove someone's phone up their ass.

I would sit her down and explain that her phone needs to be put away when you are spending time together. If there are other things she's doing, address them, too. If she can't understand that doing other things when you are spending time together sends a clear message that you aren't important to her, then tell her in plain English.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4249 | Registered: Sep 2005
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. You maybe in the anger faze. How far are you from DDAY? That could make all the difference in the world. However, my FWW is doing all the right things and is back on track, but I am not. I'm still not back to my old self. It's just not the same for some reason. I do get VERY angry. But not just at her, at anything that makes me snap. I NEVER used to be this way.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Wodnships)))

I think a big part of what's going on is for her, this whole thing was a quick detour and now she's back on track. Nothing has really changed for her. But for me things have changed at a fundamental level and sometimes I don't think she gets that

I hope this is a phase as I can relate to that which you post here.

Kind of her attitude of "whew....glad that is done. I will NEVER do THAT again!" Attitude from my wife. Meanwhile I am at ground zero and think "what happened?!?".

Kind of a finite, singular bad choice mentality on her part vs a many destructive choices and coping skills led up to the ultimate destructive choice attitude.

Therapists have told me it takes time for waywards to find the courage to dig past this mindset. Some reading suggests it takes longer for women to do then wayward men.

As long as there is forward motion.....there is hope.

I would like to see more of my wife's journey than she is willing or capable of sharing. My 3rd DD provided a window inti her pain....but that process of discovery is neither painless nor healthy.

I pray that one day we will attain what others have....authentic living and vulnerable around each other.

Not there yet....but I see some forward progress.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would sit her down and explain that her phone needs to be put away when you are spending time together. If there are other things she's doing, address them, too. If she can't understand that doing other things when you are spending time together sends a clear message that you aren't important to her, then tell her in plain English.

I think this is what I'm struggling with and why I feel like it's me/my exceptions. If I tell her "please put your phone away when we are spending time together" She will do exactly that. Without even questioning. We've gone through it and every single thing I've asked her to do she's done. But then something else will distract her and I will get annoyed by that.

I don't want her to just do what I want. I want her to want to be around me and want to be engaged when she is. I want our time together to be important enough to her that she isn't always looking for distractions.

Kind of a finite, singular bad choice mentality on her part vs a many destructive choices and coping skills led up to the ultimate destructive choice attitude.

That is exactly it.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing has really changed for her. But for me things have changed at a fundamental level and sometimes I don't think she gets that.

I really don't think anyone gets that, unless they have been cheated on by someone they loved and trusted.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want her to want to be around me and want to be engaged when she is.

Since cell phones were introduced, people have been distracted. Most people don't even realize how rude it can be. I'm sure your wife wants to spend time with you but has a hard time letting go of that tether to the rest of the world and since she doesn't realize how much it bothers you, she doesn't make as much effort as she should. Sometimes, you have to tell people how you feel. Your wife isn't a mind reader. If she is consistently doing things that make you feel unimportant, tell her that. If you've told her repeatedly and she keeps doing it, then you know that you actually are unimportant to her or at the least you are less important than what it is she wants to do at the moment.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4249 | Registered: Sep 2005
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pray for her. Read Codependent no More for you.

Her willingness to do what you ask is certainly important....but she's a big girl now....fog and affair drugs are behind her. Time for her to step up and start bringing to and investing in her M. A wayward often times underinvested in their M well before adultery was chosen (which is why their decision is NOT a singular stand-alone destructive decision). This is just one way in which they enable themselves to chose adultery......they do not feel the loss or the risk because they undervalue what they have in their original M. Not to the pint of D, of course, but enough to think they either deserve to be happy or assume they have done all they can and like what the M provides them but resents what their spouse "boxes them into being".

I don't fully understand this.

Just like a wayward will never fully understand or believe what a BS experiences, BS will never fully understand or believe what a WS experiences. Trauma on both sides.....waywards are just slower to accept that they have experienced trauma. One thing that slows this acceptance is minimizing their actions with the whole "it was ONE bad mistake" and accepting that falsity as the truth.


You know, I avoided accepting reality early on too. I did it for the same reason.....to avoid the traumatic level pain that I jus experienced.

Kicker is......that level of destruction is there regardless if you "believe" it is or not. And it will f with you regardless.

Feelings are always buried alive, and require daily feedings.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is consistently doing things that make you feel unimportant, tell her that. If you've told her repeatedly and she keeps doing it, then you know that you actually are unimportant to her or at the least you are less important than what it is she wants to do at the moment.

I think that is kind of my issue. We've talked about the phone thing and I have no doubt that it won't happen again, but next time it will be something else. I recognize that I'm not being reasonable for her to just know what will make me feel unimportant. I have to tell her.

I think what I want is for her to rather spend time with me then check her phone, or whatever else it is that pulls her away. When she chooses to interrupt our time for these other tings it feels like they are more important to her.

And the phone was just an example there are a lot of little things. For instance. She's a retail manager. Sometimes her boss will call her and tell her "You have to be in the store next Thursday for an inspection." Now if that was her only day off for the week she has to come in, but she is completely within her right to rework the schedule. But she won't do it because "I don't want to inconvenience anyone else. It's not fair."

So she will work 7 days in a row. Because of her MS she ends up not just tired, but she starts to have symptoms. Trouble walking. Mood swings (beyond what most people would from being tiered.) Among other things. So, now she's inconvenienced to the point of medical problems and I'm inconvenienced because I have to take care of her and our lives while all of this happens. All so she won't inconvenience someone else.

I really just want her to put me and her and us first. But it's not fair for me to expect her to know what that means to me unless I tell her, I know that. But all of these things feel like the same thing to me. And I don't like feeling this way.

Read Codependent no More for you.

Maybe I should do that. That's hard for me to think about, because I'm not a Codependent person. Or at least I wasn't pre-afair. I don't want to become that now.

But I do feel like maybe that is happening, and that is not the kind of relationship I want at all


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you aren't CoD....honestly, I didn't think I was until about my 10th IC session. I think my therpist at the time was easing me into facing this, because I, like you, did not ever think I was. What man wants to think they are...right? What person wants to think they are so willing to sacrifice so much for so little?

I tend to project too much of myself when I respond to others.

I think shortly into reading that book it will either resonate with you or not.


MY experience was

"Thanks goodness I am NOT like that."

"wait. what does that look like?"

"Okay, I am kinda like that but not that bad"

"crap."

"Okay, lets look at this."

"sigh."

"yep."


And then I went to work!


It was shocking, disappointing....but ultimately....freeing. I finally started to face some painful truths of my own! Painful often times = healthy! Who'd a thunk it?!?!?

Peace, brother.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:38 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you're asking is that your WW gain some intrinsic motivation... Motivation to be a healthy person and partner... Without your help. You absolutely have a right to this. I find that most Waywards can't do this... They're more of a "I hope this just goes away" thing. You'll know if she gets there.., if she doesn't , you'll have to decide if you can accept this.
Is she in IC?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5493 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want her to just do what I want. I want her to want to be around me and want to be engaged when she. I want our time together to be important enough to her that she isn't always looking for distractions.


When she chooses to interrupt our time for these other things it feels like they are more important to her.

Have you told her this?
Can you request that she read and discuss with you a few specific books relating to the issues you feel need to be addressed?
You feel she's not fully connecting with the depth of damage done to you. Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair? I think sometimes hearing/reading from another source the same feelings a BS expresses to the WS can be accepted with less defensiveness. It also corroborates what the BS has been trying to express.
You feel disconnected. Can you read Hold Me Close with her or another book of your choosing that will address building intimacy?
I fully understand your feelings of neediness. It is completely normal at this stage and in this situation. Seeking comfort and validation and feelings of safety from the one who hurt you is such a confusing concept.
I agree with Rachel. I do believe WSs do just want it to go away. Its sad because the longer that mindset exists for the WS the longer the longer the BS lingers in the feelings you described (unless, of course the BS detaches).

(((Wodnships)))


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 471 | Registered: Mar 2014
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her how you feel. She nor anyone else can disagree with how you feel. If she doesn't understand, then tell her to go learn about it.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 796 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you're asking is that your WW gain some intrinsic motivation... Motivation to be a healthy person and partner..

I'm not sure I follow what you mean her. I understand the concept of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, but I'm not quite sure how it applies here. I don't feel like she has a motivation issue. I feel like she literally doesn't understand what will be upsetting to me or make me feel unappreciated or unimportant in her life.

I think a key factor for me and her is that I wouldn't have felt this way 6 months ago. Or maybe some of these things (cell phone) would have been minor annoyances. But certainly not problems.

She was in IC but the counselor released her.

To those who asked, yes I've talked to her and like I said she's trying, but either she's not getting or I just keep looking for new things to get upset about. Maybe I'm hyper vigilant for any sign that she's disinterested in the relationship, because I had no indication before the affair.

Thank you everyone for the book recommendations some of them I've seen mentioned before. I will check them out.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 14

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