Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: dink (44972)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Escape was nice, reality is hard
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last week, my husband, kids, and I went on a family vacation to my family reunion. For the month between Dday and our flight, I really wrestled with whether I wanted my husband to come at all. Did I want him there, where I'd have to put on a happy face and pretend things are ok? My family adores him, would I be able to handle watching all my uncles and male cousins buddy up with him and all my female relatives tell me what a great guy he is?

Ultimately, I figured it might be a good break and time to focus on just us. The reunion is at a nonworking farm - tons of grass to run around on, alpacas on the farm next door. Nothing to do all day except swim in the pool, play frisbee, swing on the chairswings, eat amazing food.

We went on hikes in a few parks, we focused 100% on our kids and family.

and it was amazing. For 8 days the affair was mostly background. I had my trigger moments - every time I saw the moon (something OW1 was obsessed with and he took pictures of for her nearly daily), at one point my cousin said the nickname OW1 had for my husband. In all of those moments, my husband would see me triggering and would come and hold my hand or hug me and apologize and ask if I wanted to talk.

But for the most part, it was all just focus on the moment. Being in the moment. Seeing my husband actualy 100% present was amazing and something I hadn't realized had been missing to such an extent.

I realized what we're fighting for.

Then we came home :(

On the flight home, I resumed reading NOT Just Friends. I've slowed my pace considerably because I'm at the more "couples work" part of the book and am waiting for my husband to catch up. He's about 50 pages behind me so he'll get there soon. Starting to read it, it all came crashing down. I bought a new book at our connection airport, hoping I would mentally get away for another hour - it had a trigger in it.

At home, things were ok the first day. On day 2 it hit hard and I was crying again and just so upset. On day 3 he went back to work, where OW2's leave of absence has ended so she is back. I took our kids to meet him for dinner on his break. Partly to see him for that reassurance, partly out of paranoia I guess. He was so thankful we came for dinner with him, said he really missed us.

We live in an urban area, though, and we *live* on the far north side of the city. He works in the far south side of the city. It's a 30 minute drive between the two. I am rarely down there, and every time I go down there I trigger badly now. I wonder where he drove with them. In which parking lots they stopped to have sex. On which streets they parked to have sex. It just so happens his best friend lives at the same exit where my husband brought OW1 on their "date" day for a movie + beach walk + park + sex in his truck + telling her he didn't love me "but really wants to."

It was horrible being down there again.

I spent last night angry and devastated all over again. I asked him painful details, like what exactly did they do on their meetups - he'd pick up OW1, drive to their spots, he'd pull out the carseat and climb in the backseat with her, where they'd cuddle for awhile before having sex, then cuddling together afterwards. I feel sick. I feel sickened. I am so hurt.

I want my escape back :(


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent last night angry and devastated all over again. I asked him painful details, like what exactly did they do on their meetups - he'd pick up OW1, drive to their spots, he'd pull out the carseat and climb in the backseat with her, where they'd cuddle for awhile before having sex, then cuddling together afterwards. I feel sick. I feel sickened. I am so hurt.

I am so sorry you are in such deep pain.

Many of us have been there.

You are on an emotional roller coaster, up one day down the next.

It's all so very normal.

Sending hugs.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1147 | Registered: May 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I know how bad it feels to have to come back and face the hard reality. When we are away we don't have to worry about running into OW or passing actual places where dates, sex, etc took place. We can breathe a little more easily and relax into the moment. On our way home, we realize that this ease was really only temporary and our problems are still waiting for us at home. It is tough.

The positive is that you were able to relax and enjoy for the most part for 8 full days. That's a huge break and you deserve that. Another positive is that it sounds like your H is putting in the effort--reading, telling you that he is thankful for your efforts, and letting you know how he feels in general. I know it's so easy to feel resentment towards our WS for this crap, but keep talking it out. The goal, which I'm still working on, is to express your anger and sadness while letting him be there for you.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 498 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. In a way it's ironic because my husband said the affair was like an "escape" to him, where he didn't have to deal with reality. So in a sense, I understand the desire to not want to deal with daily realities - though what he was "escaping" (the reality of an adult family life) and what I'm wanting to 'escape" (the pain of his betrayal) are quite different things. And of course, I was escaping *with* him.

Being back, being in the thick of it, and OW2 being off her leave of absence are all difficult.B ut OW2 was just a fuckbuddy, so my husband said while he feels sick every time he sees her and wishes she'd just go away, there is no awkward attempt of her trying to talk to him. She moved on to her next fuckbuddy the moment I found out, I'm sure. It'd be much more difficult if it were OW1

Next week will be easier though. My husband starts his new job next week. He will be in a much closer area of the city (about 10 minutes away), and I won't have to think about him working with the other women.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next week will be easier though. My husband starts his new job next week. He will be in a much closer area of the city (about 10 minutes away), and I won't have to think about him working with the other women.

Glad to hear it.

It is also a good sign that your husband quit the job where he would see OW.

Also, if he is only 10 minutes away, you can drop in now and then to say hi or to go to lunch.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1147 | Registered: May 2014
peaceBmine
♀ Member
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. WH and I took an alone exotic vacation about 7 weeks after Dday. Returning to reality that next week so SO hard and emotional. I fell to pieces MANY days that next week. This was hard for my WH to understand as I had done so well the prior weeks. I don't regret taking the vacation, but coming home?.....I could have done without that turmoil.


Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes this week has been very hard :(

Glad to hear it.

It is also a good sign that your husband quit the job where he would see OW.

Also, if he is only 10 minutes away, you can drop in now and then to say hi or to go to lunch.

yes I think the change in schedule is going to be a very good thing. He will be home in the evenings, rather than getting off work at 11:30pm (and home at midnight... if he didn't go to "the gym.")

We will have dinner together, no longer work opposite shifts. He can see our older daughter as she begins kindergarten, whereas before he wouldn't have seen her at all M-F.

We can meet for lunch, too, which iwll be nice. The HR is already gearing up to promote him, so he will soon get the same pay as the job he is leaving (which was a more advanced position). The benefits are huge - our younger daughter's epilepsy tests and treatments will be covered 100% through the new health insurance network.

So it's a lot of really really good changes. Of course, on top of not ever seeing OW2 again (OW1 left in January when her husband found out).

It was one of my conditions of trying to R - that he find a new job. He's a nurse and we live in an urban area with plenty of hospitals, rehabilitation centers, etc. So there was no reason at all for him to have to stay at his current hospital. And aside from the other women, the working 2nd shift and the social network he'd built was jut really doing us harm outside of the affair - he was hanging out with a bunch of young bachelors who are at a very different point in life than he was, and routinely hanging out with them til 5 a.m. was causing a lot of issues.

But he put in 30 job apps the morning after dday when I gave my requirements to even think about R. He met all the other requirements right away as well, so that has been very helpful in helping us along.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did...and still do some...the same thing after a "break" After deciding on R, we would have trips planned together or with family...all would be great, then as soon as we were home and back to normal, the anxiety would hit with a bad vengeance for a while. My H actually started to see the connection between our vacations (long or short)and the anxiety attacks. They subsided slowly over the years...now I get a little edgy when we return, but it is not so bad. I think it has to do with the fact that we allow ourselves to let our guard down for a while...which is good for us...but, when normal day-to-day starts back, it's like okay now I remember why I had my guard up...can't let it down, or I will get blindsided again!

It gets better with time...continue to plan little escapes when you can...it helps! Even just a day or weekend is great!


Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lark,

WS here, i hope its ok to offer a wayward perspective. I mostly wanted to reiterate as many have the complete normality of what you have experienced here. We have gone away a few times now and had the exact same experience. It doesnt even have to be going away. It can be just going out for lunch, dinner, taking our son out shopping. It can be anything that gets us out together, out of this house where it all came out and where so many bad memories now call home.

I also wanted to offer something positive - i tend to find there isnt alot of this going round and its easy to understand why. But i just wanted to say that outwardly, and from a fellow waywards perspective, your WH seems to be doing all the right things for one month out, in fact he seems well ahead of the pace, and thats really encouraging. Now that doesnt mean drop everything, renew your vows and forget it ever happened of course - i just wanted you to hear from someone who knows this hell from his side, that for one month out, to be quitting his job, hugging you and asking if you want to talk when you trigger, reading these books with you... so far this bodes well. I hope he keeps it up. He has a REALLY big mountain to climb and not even he knows how big yet. I hope he lasts the distance for you.

Finally, crossroads suggested planning more escapes as they help - i agree completely, except he should be planning them, not you. Dont fall into the trap of leading your WH down the path of R for him. As waywards we have made an emotional career out of taking the easy way out, dont give him one now. He should want to replicate that vacation whenever he possibly can and if so, you should be able to see some evidence of that through his own planning.

oh and one more thing, if i have understood correctly and you are only 1 month out from dday - these stark peaks and troughs you are experiencing, are going to be your norm for a while. Make sure WH doesnt drop the ball on the hand holding, hugging and offering to talk whenever you trigger and drop down into a trough. Because there will be many more.

Sending strength, i hope you get through this!


Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and one more thing, if i have understood correctly and you are only 1 month out from dday - these stark peaks and troughs you are experiencing, are going to be your norm for a while. Make sure WH doesnt drop the ball on the hand holding, hugging and offering to talk whenever you trigger and drop down into a trough. Because there will be many more.

THIS is really important! Also post when you need and make sure he knows you may need space sometimes also. In my H case, the close stuff and talking was our biggest issue, but I think I came to realize that him planning stuff and it WAS always him was his way of showing love.

I hate to t/j but while we have the attention of a remorseful WS...theseseats...I would like to ask a question that may help someone else...

About two months after dday, as holidays approached, my H presented me and our two 20 something year old kids with plans ....reservations, etc. for a really fabulous trip to be taken in the upcoming summer. My thoughts at the time were that he was doing this, so I would not make decision to end M and out him (he know that since our kids were excited, I would not do anything to upset it). On the other hand, maybe he was really trying to R and was actually ending contact with her (I knew he still was communicating with her). What would have been my WH motivation to do this...what was he thinking???


Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

theseseats - it is good to hear from a WS too, so thank you for replying.

He had a tirade the first night I found out how this was all my fault, but after he was done with that, he has accepted full responsibility for what he's done and is doing everything he can, and everything I ask, to try and fix this. I do give him credit for that.

He is trying to plan small things here and there. he tried to do a surprise trip to bed and breakfast this past weekend, but the money situation fell through (we were in an accident a couple of weeks ago and were supposed to get the carseats reimbursed on friday - but it got pushed back to today). So instead he took us on an all-day outing to a small mountain town, visited a lake, etc.

He's currently trying to figure out what to do about our daughter's 5th birthday. The original plan, before dday, was that we would take her to Disneyland. We got season passes when our youngest turned 2 and did a birthday trip for that birthday. I still want to do that for our older daughter, but (a) my husband had sex on her birthday last year and (b) he had sex the morning of and the evening after our Disney trip for the baby's 2nd birthday plus was texting pictures while there. So Disney for the 5 year old's birthday is a double whammy :( He wants to plan a pre-birthday trip there to hopefully get the initial hits out so that we can better enjoy the actual hits, but I do not even know if it would help :(


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossroads,
Its really hard to make a call on that but im assuming you anticipate that and would just like a gut feeling, so here is mine. At 2 months out I was a powerhouse of plan making and would have come up with anything at all to show I was thinking of BW on my own and making plans without prompting. I also would have done anything to distract BW from her pain and try and help her feel some quantum of comfort or at a stretch, happiness. So this offer doesnt surprise me at all. What does surprise me is the fact he was still in contact with her??? Why no NC letter? Phone call? Is there a good reason for this? As far as im concerned ANY gesture of R from your WH is empty as long as he keeps her in his life. That needs to stop NOW. Hope this helps crossroads.


Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lark...it sounds like you are really moving in the right direction....him planning outings and ways to spend family time is great...the bonding you do as parents over the years is powerful stuff, but make sure you both are seeing to couples time as well...you are making a lot of memories as a family, but you still need to be making memories as a couple...the kids will be grown and gone one day.

theseseats...thanks for you insight...having remorseful WS perspective really helps...sometimes we just need to get into the waywards head to look at things in a different way.

What does surprise me is the fact he was still in contact with her??? Why no NC letter? Phone call? Is there a good reason for this?

not a good reason...the holiday season I refer to was several months after dday...five years ago...at the time I was still in sort of a state of shock...he was only a little more than 3 months into the A, but was telling me he was breaking it off with her just had to do it gradually...blah blah...I just moved though the days trying to hold it together. He did stop all contact with her about 3 months later ( a BS never really knows for sure). But b/c he was still in contact with her, planning a big family trip like that did not make sense.


Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...it seemed to take a while for him to really understand that recovering and continuing our 35 year relationship was NOT going to happen if her life was in any remote way connected to his...NC is NC...it took a while for me to make this clear to him, so I take some responsibility for that.

Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.