3 months out and I have been having a lot of trouble with my husband actually doing anything to show remorse. I thought we had a break through this week but I really am not sure.
Yesterday I was not happy, had anxiety hit me at work pretty badly. I came home in a bad mood, my WH avoided coming home for a few hours to get some exercise at his office gym, I worked out at home. He wanted to do date night as Thursdays has always been that night of the week for us.
I went along but couldn't be happy really, he brought up the trip where he attempted to make his emotional affair with my friend more than just emotional. I had a hard time eating my dinner.
I have decided I cannot have sex with him right now, I have kept it going for these 3 months regularly but I just don't want anything to do with it. Happy to keep him happy other ways but just can't let him be intimate with my body right now. He kept trying all night long, mostly in a not really awake state but still it really sucked.
This morning I am obviously not too chipper but we are being pleasant to each other enough. On his way out he asks me to please be happy when he comes home today. I didn't say anything.
I am done hiding my pain from him to make him feel better, I just can't do it and everyone has told me it actually helps keep him from seeing how bad and horribly painful and devastating it is and reaching the point of true remorse.
It just sucks, I know he is probably going to stay at work 2-3 hours late to work out again to avoid me and I just feel like a disappointment. I know that is some bullshit but its how I feel and its making me so depressed.
[This message edited by gottabeabiggirl at 10:31 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)
On his way out he asks me to please be happy when he comes home today.
Let me rephrase that statement for you:
WH: I really don't give a flying shit how you feel, what my actions have done to you, or anything else about you. I only want you to stroke me, play dumb for me, and spread your legs for me.
You need to waste this turkey like a rancid carcass.
Flush his selfish ass down the toilet, and go find
yourself a decent, moral, upright man to love you and care for you.
He should be acknowledging your very real feelings and his behaviors that are responsible for them. He should be home - not spending hours working out at his office gym (this is a huge red flag/trigger to me because my husband's affair was "the gym"). He should be supporting your feelings, not telling you to put on a smile so he can feel better about himself.
and he should definitely get a mental dose of cold water for bringing up the vacation where he tried to turn his emotional affair into a physical one.
I actually have decided if D happens he will be moving out. Im not sure he could afford this place all by himself anyway, I could though without any financial issues. I do have family I can stay with for a short time, and will do so if I require more surgeries and D happens b ut I am trying to not involve them until a decision is reached on that. They won't react well to knowing what has happened and I don't think will just let me say, "Can I stay for a bit we are having issues", they'll want to know why.
I do have IC, once a week I go. My therapist is awesome, has told me not to hesitate to call if anything major comes up, but yeah I try to never do that outside our sessions unless it really is an emergency for me.
As far as him being controlling, yes he always has been to some extent. Its lessened over the past 2 years since I graduated college and started paying most the bills. He used to use him paying the rent while I went to school as an excuse why he got to make decisions but that no longer works. He always did ask for my opinion on things though and most our decisions were joint in the end anyway. But yes he gets frustrated when he has lack of control over anything, my injuries and now finding out about his EA and attempts to make it more leave him feelings very out of control.
My friend is states away and I am not really worried about him being at his office gym, though I do feel it is inappropriate to not come home until 8pm for any reason after this. It does not help build trust. I have been bugging him for years to get in shape and do something constructive with his time and he has just finally started exercising to help relieve any anger. I don't know how to tell him not to do that as it does have him coming home in much better moods.
D is very possible at this point, I really can't say if I can recover, esp if he brings up that damn trip again. I had to ask him to delete the pictures of my friend he took on that trip from his phone a few weeks back as he "forgot" he had them and didn't think it was a big deal. Fucks sake that is a HUGE deal. My friend who this was all with had new pictures blasted all over FB this morning when I woke up and it just seems impossible to overcome sometimes.
[This message edited by gottabeabiggirl at 11:26 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
Protect yourself, he's currently in this just for himself.
Are you still friends with your *friend*?
[This message edited by DixieD at 11:31 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
I am still friends with my friend. Soon as he tried to make things more than emotional she came forward immediately. Im not too sure what to think about the emotional stuff on her part. From what I know it was almost always him, she just didn't do a firm back the eff off like she should have but didnt really engage him either.
When he tried to fly her in to town without me knowing during our engagement (under the pretense for my bridal shower) she firmly told him no way and I was told about that from her, just didn't think it was anything other than him trying to bring a bridesmaid in for a bridal event. I was clearly ignorant.
I am undecided on her right now. What she did telling me took a lot of courage and I really don't think she understood the magnitude of his feelings and creepiness until it started happening in person, which she told me right away.
And yes, it did coincide very closely with him having less control, shortly after I graduated. I never put those together but that is quite something. I will bring that up in my next IC session, see what my therapist has to say.
Another big indication of his lack of remorse:
I had to ask him to delete the pictures of my friend he took on that trip from his phone a few weeks back as he "forgot" he had them and didn't think it was a big deal.
Sounds like my H a few months ago. My H "didn't know how" to block OW from social media and "forgot" about a note she gave him where she licks his boots and tells him he's a sex god. Right sure--his excuses were a load of crap. He was sorry that I had found the note, b/c it made life harder for him, not b/c of how it hurt me. He was regretful not remorseful. Remorse came when the fog lifted and cleared away the fantasy that the A was a positive experience and that my "friend" the OW was a good person, instead of actually being a really crappy person who pretended to be my friend so she could screw my husband and lord herself over me.
You will know he's remorseful when he thinks about how his words and actions may affect you and he goes to great lengths to help you deal with your pain. He will not ask you to mask it, which is just impossible because it's going to come out in one way or another, whether now or later. I'm so sorry that he's being such a jerk.
The only person you can control in this situation is you. Don't hide your feelings for his sake. Tell him what you need from him to R. If he can't deliver, then it's 180 time... It's still early on and maybe he will snap out of the fog, but you need to be prepared for the possibility that he won't and how long do you intend to wait for his to "see the light"? You are important and deserve to be treated with respect.
3 months out and he wants you to be happy every moment of every day? I think that's unreasonable for most of us. My heartache (since I wasn't on SI at the time) showed to no one--not even him. I hid it all. Sure, when we'd talk about it, I'd cry, but all of the rest of the time, I was trying to prop myself up and be strong (for him or for me or for my kids, I don't know).
I did, somehow, find a backbone, though, and began standing up for myself. His A and acting out really drove home the point that I had no control over him. That's a mantra used with addicts but it's true for everyone. Your WH can't control you--or make you be happy--and you can't control him. But you can work on you. You can find happiness and work on cultivating it each and every day. NOT because he wants you to be happy but because you deserve to be happy.
No matter how well you're doing in that arena, though, the sadness will seep through at times. And that's okay. Just try not to wallow in the unhappiness mire. If you are there, then try some self-help techniques, try some IC, try some reading, try some TLC--anything to get you through it and on to a more joyful path.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 1:08 PM, July 18th (Friday)]
You are young and successful and you deserve better than him. Period. If I thought he was capable of remorse or even capable of faking remorse, I might say otherwise, but the sooner you move on the sooner you will begin to recover.
My youngest daughter had a boyfriend who cheated on her multiple times. We loved him. He was like family. We allowed him to live in our house. We even went out looking for him once at 6am because we thought he'd been in an accident on his way home from work (turned out he was with another girl). When my daughter broke up with him, he came to me to see if I could help him convince her to take him back. I told him that as a person, we loved him. But that he was so desperately flawed that there was no way I would recommend my daughter going back to him. I told him that as much as we cared about him, he would never be a good boyfriend to anyone until he worked on himself and started learning to consider the long term consequences of his actions. He cried but not for my daughter, for himself. He called her crying pretty much every day until he fell into bed with some other girl. He got over my daughter very quickly after that which was further evidence that it was always all about him and most likely always will be. Everything you've written about your husband puts a mental picture of my daughter's ex into my mind. If you truly want to start healing, it will happen faster without him there dragging you down. If he ever shows real remorse, you could always change your mind. But beware the crocodile tears that suck you back in. Pay attention to his actions and his words- if he's really crying for himself, that's not remorse.
2 new female friends on FB today, when that was one of my things on his list to NOT do while we are healing. One is a family friend, the other a coworker. The family friend I can't really say anything about but the coworker girl I am VERY pissed.
Tearsoflove thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It has been reverberating in my head all day since I read it. So much selfishness my head could explode. Today I feel so done with it all, so so so done. He is so full of himself I am at wits end.
[This message edited by gottabeabiggirl at 7:10 PM, July 18th (Friday)]