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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: why do I keep reliving this
clueless1
♀ New Member
Member # 43460
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am now approaching 3 months and I can't say that I am better. we have been in counseling for about 6 weeks and so far my WH has done everything he's supposed to. why isn't it enough for me to feel better. I continue to think about the words they exchanged (I.e. I love you, I miss you, etc.) he says there has been know more contact, I have no reason to believe otherwise. I've checked his phone. i cant help to think that he still thinks of her. is there something wrong with me?


sometimes love doesn't conquer all

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NJ
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well of course there isn't. You are very early in this and may want to post some in Just Found Out.

I, too, expected a fast recovery and was gently corrected here at SI. I kept pushing the deadline; well then, by 6 months I'll be better. I'm now almost 22 months out and still think of the A every day throughout the day. The pain is, however, much, much less for me, with a transformed H who is still nonetheless a work in progress.

Read the healing library and don't try to rush. My IC calls it processing and says, just like SI, that it takes 2-5 years and will never completely leave you.

Hugs to you.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are normal.

You have just experienced trauma.

It is highly likely you have PTSD-like symptoms if not full blown PTSD. I was diagnosed with the "like symptoms"....one of which is obsessive thoughts, another is polarizing emotions (okay I got this one minute....holy shit! The next).

Find a therapist soon.

Post like crazy.

Some say journaling helped....not so much for me as my journal entries fed my obsessive thoughts.

Keep the faith. Like one poster suggested....visit JFO forum to help you normalize this trial.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't expect you to feel any better this early. In fact, in some ways you may feel worse. For me, I was simply devastated and reeling with shock for the first 6 months. I hoped and expected that once the A was over and we had been in counseling for a few sessions, I would feel much better; I was naive and wrong. Once I hit 6 months, the shock was subsiding, but the rage was just beginning to rear its vicious head. Honestly that first year was nothing short of one storm of emotions after another. Then came year 2 where I was starting to move from disorientation and survival mode to really processing what had happened, and what it meant for my future. That was an angry and confusing year. Thank goodness for year 3 because that's when the leaps and bounds of healing started.

I don't want to scare you because 3 years sounds like forever when you're standing at the beginning of this journey, but though each prior year was full of pain and anger, they also had times of hope and promise of what could happen. Not every breathing moment was anguish, and my H and I were learning skills and methods to build a strong and loving foundation for our M. The things we learned continue to help our repaired M thrive even today.

Don't beat yourself up about verifying what he says and does; it's certainly normal, and I'd say necessary and smart as you try to rediscover trust. Of course you agonize over the words they exchanged and wonder how he feels about her. There's no shortcut through those things, and you have to give yourself time to process them. Your WH's consistent actions will help you. Over time, as he provides complete transparency and honesty, along with gentle and caring support for you, you will begin to slay many of those demons. Just make sure you don't allow either of you to rugsweep or minimize all that happened. Empower yourself by finding out what all of your options are. Perhaps even see an attorney just to know your rights in case R is not something you seek or can achieve. Nurture yourself in any way you can--eat, try to sleep, drink water, exercise, treat yourself to anything that is not harmful and brings you a moment of peace. Clueless1, you're really early in this nightmare, but it will get better. You will be ok.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Clueless)))
I am sorry to say, unless you are much different then anyone else here, you have a long road ahead. I am approaching the second anniversary of Dday and I still think about it daily. The pain is ...just different at this point, but even now it hurts..not the intense gut wrenching pain like you are probably feeling, but it is still there every day. I have yet to have a full 24 hour period when I have not thought about it. I don't talk about it much anymore, but it is there everyday.

I really think you need to move through the pain. It will take time and hard work for you to feel better. It will be a roller coaster. You will begin to feel better and even think you are nearly through it then. WHAM.. It hits you again! I still have moments when I am driving down the road and I have visions of them together having sex or begin obsessing about what he did with her or what they talked about. Sometimes I begin getting crazy thoughts that he is lying about everything and has taken everything underground..logically I know this isn't the case. My WS does everything right, but I still have these thoughts after 2 YEARS!
I am so sorry that you need to live through this pain. Just be sure that you are doing things for yourself daily. Good luck to you.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The above posters pretty much covered it. Just want to throw you some empathy and support. Im sorry. I know how hard it is to see and hear the betrayals in your head over and over and have it paralyze you.
(((Clueless1)))


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Areukiddingme
♀ Member
Member # 41950
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay 2 plays in my head nearly first thing every morning when I wake up. I will have to say I'm beginning to get somewhat desensitized to it and am thankful for that. When people say 2-5 years for healing, that's just so overwhelming when you're just trying to get through 2-5 minutes. There's lots of support here though. Keep reading and posting.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southeast
gottabeabiggirl
♀ Member
Member # 44120
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am at 3 months out and it's feeling worse than ever. My WH hasn't been doing what he should as you said yours has and that makes it worse.

It's really easy to lose hope and I surely am not convinced I will be there to weather it all with my WH but everyday I try.

I think of (or write down when I remember to get my journal) 3 things I appreciate every day. They can be silly things like having toes to paint or giant things like still having my dad around but it helps a little each morning.

Some nights I cry myself to sleep and my WH doesn't know how to handle it. Today I got asked to please be happy when he comes home from work.

I have stopped trying to fight all the emotions, I want to feel what I need to, no more hiding the pain from him. Its a truly horrible place to be I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I am going through an injury recovery and am unable to do nearly every exercise but I can walk still. Some days I get in 7 miles, take time to myself to hike up a pretty place and watch the sunset, get my favorite ice cream and walk around the shopping center. It has been my salvation, those walks and time to myself.

Please dont feel like something if wrong with you. I hope your WH isn't making you feel that way. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and it wasn't until I found this place last week I realized that. I feel less stressed about not "being better" now and allow myself to feel the pain without guilt.

I am so so sorry you are going through this, I wish I could take it all away for us all here.


Me - BW 25
Him - WH 35
No kids

Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2014
clueless1
♀ New Member
Member # 43460
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your kind words and your support. I have always fancied myself a stable person this has rocked my foundation and it's difficult for me to get a grip. your words of wisdom are incredibly helpful. thanks again I will seek IC


sometimes love doesn't conquer all

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NJ
luluphoenix
♀ New Member
Member # 44168
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm now 7 months into this and am just now starting to feel "normal" on a more consistent basis. At three months, I was still crying most days. Hang in there. I know it is so difficult. I read on here about it taking up to 2-5 years and that thought is too much to handle so I do my best to take it day by day. After DD and our decision to try to make it work (immediate counseling for him and me individually and then couples counseling about 3 months in), I randomly gave myself a year to know what I wanted/to see if we improved/I felt happy, etc. Each day I am more optimistic that we will not only survive, but be stronger for it. I hope the same for you.


When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.
-I am going to be one damn sparkly oak when this is done.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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