I, too, expected a fast recovery and was gently corrected here at SI. I kept pushing the deadline; well then, by 6 months I'll be better. I'm now almost 22 months out and still think of the A every day throughout the day. The pain is, however, much, much less for me, with a transformed H who is still nonetheless a work in progress.
Read the healing library and don't try to rush. My IC calls it processing and says, just like SI, that it takes 2-5 years and will never completely leave you.
Hugs to you.
You have just experienced trauma.
It is highly likely you have PTSD-like symptoms if not full blown PTSD. I was diagnosed with the "like symptoms"....one of which is obsessive thoughts, another is polarizing emotions (okay I got this one minute....holy shit! The next).
Find a therapist soon.
Post like crazy.
Some say journaling helped....not so much for me as my journal entries fed my obsessive thoughts.
Keep the faith. Like one poster suggested....visit JFO forum to help you normalize this trial.
God is with us all.
I don't want to scare you because 3 years sounds like forever when you're standing at the beginning of this journey, but though each prior year was full of pain and anger, they also had times of hope and promise of what could happen. Not every breathing moment was anguish, and my H and I were learning skills and methods to build a strong and loving foundation for our M. The things we learned continue to help our repaired M thrive even today.
Don't beat yourself up about verifying what he says and does; it's certainly normal, and I'd say necessary and smart as you try to rediscover trust. Of course you agonize over the words they exchanged and wonder how he feels about her. There's no shortcut through those things, and you have to give yourself time to process them. Your WH's consistent actions will help you. Over time, as he provides complete transparency and honesty, along with gentle and caring support for you, you will begin to slay many of those demons. Just make sure you don't allow either of you to rugsweep or minimize all that happened. Empower yourself by finding out what all of your options are. Perhaps even see an attorney just to know your rights in case R is not something you seek or can achieve. Nurture yourself in any way you can--eat, try to sleep, drink water, exercise, treat yourself to anything that is not harmful and brings you a moment of peace. Clueless1, you're really early in this nightmare, but it will get better. You will be ok.
I really think you need to move through the pain. It will take time and hard work for you to feel better. It will be a roller coaster. You will begin to feel better and even think you are nearly through it then. WHAM.. It hits you again! I still have moments when I am driving down the road and I have visions of them together having sex or begin obsessing about what he did with her or what they talked about. Sometimes I begin getting crazy thoughts that he is lying about everything and has taken everything underground..logically I know this isn't the case. My WS does everything right, but I still have these thoughts after 2 YEARS!
I am so sorry that you need to live through this pain. Just be sure that you are doing things for yourself daily. Good luck to you.
It's really easy to lose hope and I surely am not convinced I will be there to weather it all with my WH but everyday I try.
I think of (or write down when I remember to get my journal) 3 things I appreciate every day. They can be silly things like having toes to paint or giant things like still having my dad around but it helps a little each morning.
Some nights I cry myself to sleep and my WH doesn't know how to handle it. Today I got asked to please be happy when he comes home from work.
I have stopped trying to fight all the emotions, I want to feel what I need to, no more hiding the pain from him. Its a truly horrible place to be I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I am going through an injury recovery and am unable to do nearly every exercise but I can walk still. Some days I get in 7 miles, take time to myself to hike up a pretty place and watch the sunset, get my favorite ice cream and walk around the shopping center. It has been my salvation, those walks and time to myself.
Please dont feel like something if wrong with you. I hope your WH isn't making you feel that way. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and it wasn't until I found this place last week I realized that. I feel less stressed about not "being better" now and allow myself to feel the pain without guilt.
I am so so sorry you are going through this, I wish I could take it all away for us all here.
Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)