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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have this strange feeling...
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that it is up to me to keep my WW happy so she won't stray again. I hate this feeling because I never feel comfortable in the M.

WW told me she had the A because she was lonely (I asked her to keep digging, but have not heard if she has). The A was 100% on her but the bad M was around 50/50. Mabye I was more than 50% and now I feel that if I don't keep her happy (including sex) that she may look elsewhere.

I'm 99.9% sure the A is over and there has been NC. She is doing the right things, mostly. As things return to 'normal' after the pas two years, I am seeing some of the old us coming back. Some of it I don't like.

Another thing, I think of the A every stinking day...numerous times a day. I don't think my WW ever thinks about it anymore. I don't call it rugsweeping, just she is happy we dealt with it and she's moved on. I have not yet. She is so happy, never has roller coaster, and has returned to the normalcy of M and life. I have not.

She is in IC and I stopped MC because we were not doing the homework. The times I asked, she said no, so I stopped asking and cancelled MC. I know she wants to go back but I told her not until we do the homework. That was 3-4 months ago.

We are coming up to A season and antiversary, and I'm pretty down on the roller coaster. As last year, I'm sure the Antiversary will come and pass without her even acknowledging (she claims she can't remember the dates). It really hurt last year, especially when she ignored the dates. I'm supposed to go away for some training over those days but have cancelled it. Maybe I should just go and deal with it myself.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you know we can't stop people from doing anything. Jennifer Aniston was cheated on. 'Nuff said.

What concerns me, is you don't talk to your wife about your concerns. You don't share your fears and discomfort. How cares if it bothers her? Maybe she'll find a way to success and help you. Maybe she never will and that will give you the knowledge to make a choice. What I don't understnad is when people refuse to communicate their wants and needs. Tell her what you need. Tell her you need her to acknowleged that terrible day and that terrible time.

I'd also be sure to address the times things are "back to normal." I'd would tell my husband that I was uncomfortable because things were feeling old school to me, or he had an old school reaction, or we had old school communications.

It's a long process healing from this. And if one or both partners are unraveling a lifetime of bad habits, it takes time to grow new, healthy ones.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Rebreather says, and...

It's up to your W, not you, to change from cheater to good partner. Cheating again is her choice, just as cheating the first time was. You can't prevent more cheating by 'keeping her happy'.

You just can't.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW told me she had the A because she was lonely
I hope that was not your wife's final answer, because affairs are a hell of a lot more than just being lonely.

When you stop and think about what goes into an affair and the lying, etc, it is almost always more than just being lonely.

Since she is in IC, I would hope she discovered more about herself than just that. Does she ever discuss IC.


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Jun 2002
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW told me she had the A because she was lonely

I hope that was not your wife's final answer, because affairs are a hell of a lot more than just being lonely.

Wow. This. I heard for three months that this was the reason. Only in last few weeks has that not been enough to satisfy. It is a hard next step. I fear that me pushing so hard for it made it why much harder, tread lightly...

[This message edited by Didact at 10:56 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 237 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First...good that she is in IC (wish my H would have done that) but are YOU? You seem to be taking on a good deal of responsibility for R. You have to feel confident about yourself and it sounds like you have a lot of doubt about whether you are good enough...sit down and think...make a list...what do you like about yourself? It is exhausting to take it ALL on all and you can't keep it up all the time. We both had to focus on US, but I also had to focus on just me...had to feel better about myself. A season is hard and I need a lot of space during mine...I get angry and sad even after 4 years! One thing that does get better though is I am not afraid anymore. At some point you have to drop the fear that you WS will do it again...not that you will ever entirely trust, but that if it happens you will be able to move on and YOU will be okay.

I think that the WS "forget" b/c the A was just part of their past...for the BS, it was a blindsiding traumatic event ...not so easy to put behind us and things like dates and specifics hang in our minds b/c we go over it so much to process. Yea, it bites, but it is what it is.
You do whatever you need to get through antiversary...whatever eases the triggers the most.



Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies.

Rebreather, we do talk and communicate. Communication these past 2 years has been better than the last 20. She will discuss everything I bring up but she NEVER brings anything up about the A. There are just some times that I don't feel like bringing up some subjects. It's starting to feel uncomfortable to keep brining up the A (sometimes).

Craig, I had to keep asking WW for the answer to Why. Eventually, she told me it was because she was lonely. I told her that I didn't accept that and that she needed to keep digging. No she never tells me anything about her IC appts, even though we agreed to update each other every 3 months. I asked her to keep digging 3-4 months ago but I have not heard anything. Eventually you stop asking...just like doing the MC homework.

Crossroads, I have always taken the burden upon myself. Both in the M and in life. It's just me, and no I don't feel confident in myself. I know what I am and I know what I wish I was. There is a big difference and I've learned to live with that. I discussed this some with my IC but I don't have an IC any longer.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I identify with some of what you post because of my own situation, SecondHelping.

Keeping your wife happy, telling her to dig deeper. You're looking for assurances that it won't happen again. The tough truth for all of us is there are no assurances. For me this first time still might be a deal breaker, I know for sure #2 is and there's a level of relief there for me. I don't worry about it happening anymore I can only control what I do if it does.

I don't know what to make of a BS and understanding they why anymore. Is your W an introspective person? Is she naturally empathetic? If no to either of these I think it becomes much more difficult for the BS to understand the WS's why.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me this first time still might be a deal breaker, I know for sure #2 is and there's a level of relief there for me
Same here.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I disagree that lonely isn't at least part of the answer. It may not explain how she allowed herself to do it, but it does help explain why. I mean, isn't it true for most waywards? I know my H was lonely. . . But that is because the intimacy level in our marriage was at an all time low. I was lonely, too. He was busy, I was busy, and we were neglecting our marriage. So then this bright, shiny person comes and fluffs him up, gives him tons of attention, and strokes his ego. He is so desirable. . . And bam, it was like a spark on dry grass.

There was a lot of FOO stuff that got him to the point where he was feeling so isolated and bad. . .and why he didn't come to me and tell me what was going on. He had resentments built up, and kept secrets. All these things are poisonous and led to the A. So, lonely? Yes. But she needs to build the bridge from lonely to how she took action.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But she needs to build the bridge from lonely to how she took action.

That's exactly what I asked her to do in IC.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand and agree that there comes a point when you have to accept that new answers are not going to be forthcoming...no answer to "why?"... and just stop talking about it...I got to that point over a year ago. I am committed to ending the M if he ever has contact with her again and he knows this...end of story. I am not content with just accepting what this did to my self confidence. There are things about me I don't want to change... things I can't change...other things that I do have control over...I do not have to accept.

I know what I am and I know what I wish I was. There is a big difference and I've learned to live with that.

I think of the A every stinking day...numerous times a day.

Really...just try to focus on YOU some...it will take up some of the head space you use thinking about the A everyday. Start with baby steps...think of one thing you want to do better/ different that will boost your confidence...not for her...for you and work on it.


Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really...just try to focus on YOU some

I am trying. I've lost 40 pounds through Weight Watchers and only have 15 more to go. I got a promotion at work since A, and have been feeling healthier physically. I just need to work on the insecurities I have.

Thanks.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great! Keep up with the physical upgrades...losing weight and exercising HELP tremendously with the mental attitude. Other accomplishments, professional and personal eventually help with the self esteem issues. One thing that I have come to realize over the R years is that the ONE thing I do have control of is ME!

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is in IC and I stopped MC because we were not doing the homework. The times I asked, she said no, so I stopped asking and cancelled MC. I know she wants to go back but I told her not until we do the homework. That was 3-4 months ago.

This demonstrates the health you attained and the health your wife is lacking. Her commitment to continue to IC demonstrates she is interested in getting healthier though! Your choice to stop engaging? Healthy initially....she is toxic, she needs to de-tox. But that time is short lived....you will have to find ways to engage again. I struggle with ehat this always looks like....so it takes courage to do this, stumbles hurt!!!!!

MC does not work if both aren't committed to the M. Waywards, particularly women, appear to NORMALLY be slow to re-commit to the M.

My theory is the wayward have been underinvesting in the M long before adultery was chosen. As such they chose to disconnect. In my sitch....my brokenness fit well with my wife's brokenness....so we both are accountable for this disconnect. But the choice of adultery was more than hurtful, it was explosively destructive.

Your wife felt lonely? That is part of this. My wife felt isolated too. A month ago she lurked OM FB post while 5 kids played all around her. Unless you are in "solitary confinement", there are healthy, intimacy building ways to address that very real stress. Adultery is intimacy destroying. A primary goal for a wayward who wants to get healthy is to find out why adultery was chosen.

And that is there journey. You can't do it for your wife....just like she can't do your journey to why you chose the destructive actions you did in your pre-A M.

Look....we are all broken. As such, we hurt each other....intentionally and unintentionally. The result is the same. You inflicted pain on another person. There are consequences for that. Only you can choose how to view and handle those.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to address this:
Another thing, I think of the A every stinking day...numerous times a day. I don't think my WW ever thinks about it anymore.

I bet she thinks about it every single day.

As a fww, I think about it all the time, everyday. Not reflecting on anything good, but the destruction and devastation it caused.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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