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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Was that stupid?
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3.5 months out from dday, on tentative path to R with a remorseful WW. We had a great anniv dinner (29) last Sunday, then went to a beach to light a floating lantern for our future ( all was WW planning). The first lantern burned through the paper and we had to light the back up lantern she brought (wow, plan B), but it was beautiful. She has started the heavy lifting of "why" in IC. She even told me how grateful she was that I discovered the A.

So tonight I booked non refundable tix to Provence and Tuscany for my 50th. Mistake this soon? Trip will happen in September.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by Didact at 8:56 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 253 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didact, I think it was very brave but not stupid! From my experience just give yourself permission to still feel how you want/need to feel in the lead up to this trip. You'll be around the 6 month mark around the time of your trip and I know for me, (I'm at about 6.5 months) it's been a volatile time. So I would make sure you feel what you need to feel in the lead up so there are no bottled up emotions when you embark on this trip together. You are still going to be on the rollercoaster of emotions for some time, just stay true to yourself, true to your expectations from WW and hopefully the beautiful trip you've planned can be a gateway to true healing and the reminding of each other!

Hope it goes well!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 380 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's stupid at all.

I hope you have a fabulous trip, and enjoy each other's company immensely.


Posts: 582 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not stupid by any means, sounds like a solid commitment on your part moving towards R, and confidence in your WW as well. Great for your both! Have a wonderful trip!


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH here --

We went on a 20th anniversary trip at a little less than five months from DDay. We mostly had a great time together. But know it wasn't the same. Some time those feeling hit you, even on vacation. Just like on any given day those feelings of loss, fear, anger can pop up. The same things happen during vacation, too.

Just trying to prepare you and adjust your expectations accordingly.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies so far!


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 253 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are probably going to trigger while on this trip. It is probably going to have some tough times. You might be in the anger stage by then.

But if she continues to do the hard work? It could be very reaffirming as well.

Go big or go home, eh?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
adriana1980
♀ Member
Member # 41780
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didact, IMHO this is a terrible idea.

If you were going alone I would applause you very loudly but your wife doesn't deserve it. By booking this beautiful trip you are showing her how desperate you are to save your marriage despite her callous attitude toward you after the D-day. Basically, you are rewarding her for staying with you after your neighbour ditched her when their affair was discovered.

[This message edited by adriana1980 at 5:49 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2013
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not stupid! Enjoy your trip for you! I do not see it as a reward. It is something from the sounds of it that you both want to do. Maybe it will be a reconnecting experience. I know that when WH and I had a trip alone it made us feel very close to each other afterwards. Enjoy your trip!


BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to Kauai 7 months later....it was wonderful...I had not seen him that relaxed in YEARS! Yes I cried a few times but overall it was worth it....
reconnecting is the most important thing for us ....
we had never been to this island and seeing it together....exploring...relaxing....it truly is paradise!!
enjoy your trip....enjoy being together...reconnecting ...simply sit and be glad it's now.....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the continued input.

I cannot look at anything I do from the perspective of rewarding or punishing. I am booking a trip to a place I want to go with someone that I love who also wants to go there. Any punishment will come from her knowing what she cost our M in the long run, and what she did to me and to herself. I think she's working herself pretty good on that front, and I hope she finds a way to forgive herself, as I'll need to find a way to forgive her as well. The rewards for her behavior were transient and fleeting at best, and as time goes on, hopefully she sees them as even more so. This trip is not a reward for the A, it was scheduled then cancelled.

Additionally, No chance I do it if the signs weren't all pointing to R, but I also know that 3.5 months isn't very long. That's my biggest concern.

In any events, tickets punched, hoping for even more healing in next 8 weeks before we fly out...

[This message edited by Didact at 6:25 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 253 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH bought me a beautiful heart ring a little while after d-day. I cried because I felt that I didn't deserve it and couldn't understand why he gave it to me.

I look at it now, almost 7 years into R and I smile every time. It reminds me of our deep, true, solid love for each other and the faith that my H had in it and had in me.

I wish you well in your healing journey.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38647 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 12

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