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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Limbo.. How low can we go?
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wanted to post a number of things and I am trying to make light of my situation in the title.

It was suggested in one of my earlier posts that I'm not really in limbo. And I think I have come to accept that there is truth to it. Here is an update:

I have been living on my own out of our house for a little over two months now. While it sucks I am learning to look at it as an opportunity and am grateful because over the last two weeks I feel like there's been a big shift for lack of a better word.

I struggled hard and was wallowing in self-pity, self hate, shame and was punishing myself. I realize now I was just distracting myself from seeing the truth. The truth about my actions and truth about the disgusting person I had become.

I had immense fear before of letting go of the outcome, but I think realizing the truth has helped me to let go of the outcome. I wrote to my BS today that how could I have any expectations of an outcome after seeing the breadth of everything and just how I have been living? So I guess I realize that I'm not really in limbo, but I'm not working towards R either, but I'm also not D yet. So I guess this is an opportunity or 'limbotunity' to be the best person I can be, find my path, work my ass of and embrace it with faith that everything will work out in the end.

Here is my plan for now as it stands:

- I am meditating daily morning and night
- I am reading and writing specifically breaking down my faulty beliefs and distorted thinking
- Writing out my goals for who I want to be and what I want to change
- Trying to break down each faulty belief and f'd up way of thinking what it caused and what to replace it with.
- Trying to open up and communicate with my BS about all of this without fear of backlash
- weekly IC
- running a lot

Here is where I'm struggling. I am having the daily gut check. I am in NC with my BW and I am trying to find ways to be accountable and show her I care and am thinking about her constantly. This is hard when the majority of what I say is met with contempt and anger. I deserve this reaction and I am trying to be mindful and patient. It is a long fight especially after these f'd up ways of thinking and acting and reacting are so deeply ingrained.

I think the hardest thing is finding self acceptance. I have attached my self worth to the acceptance of others for so long I need to fill that void with self love. That's why the anger and responses set me back every time, because I project greater meaning onto them and take them into myself instead of accepting them and understanding where they are coming from.

I want to thank everyone here for being here. To everyone who has shared their thoughts, encouragement and insights. I am here for the long haul and have a lot to learn from all of you.

(ETA - I wanted to add my coined phrase 'Limbotunity' ;) )

[This message edited by LostTime at 3:26 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the duplicate post... spastic enter key.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost -

If you are in NC with BW, how can you get contempt and anger with everything you say?

I do understand where you stand.

This is hard when the majority of what I say is met with contempt and anger. I deserve this reaction and I am trying to be mindful and patient.

I am going through the same issue with my BW. I have moved out, and every phone call is filled with hate and contempt. It is difficult, until I remember that I put her in this spot, I caused all this pain and suffering. My actions created this animosity. Now I need to suck it up and strive for what I want - reconciliation. But reconciliation on her terms, if she decides that is what she wants. And only after I have identified the causes of my betrayal and I institute changes so that it never happens again.

Remember, you caused this. She is the one who dictates what she needs, and when she needs it. Your job is to work on yourself to make yourself a better person and a safer partner.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the contempt at home, too. It goes in spurts. Just keep working on you. That's all we can do.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2014
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imabrokenman -

If you are in NC with BW, how can you get contempt and anger with everything you say?

We don't really talk on the phone much, mostly via text or email. It just comes through her words/undertone. Now I accept that part of this could be me reading into things, but I know she has a helluva lot of anger and deservedly so.

She has sealed herself up tight and has not yet told me what she needs. She is practicing healthy boundaries and needs to feel safe. I know this I think I am still carrying around a lot of regret from TT and wasting over 2 years with my head up my ass. I know I caused this - all of it and I want to help her heal. I am trying finally to be proactive instead of reactive and defensive.

Now I need to suck it up and strive for what I want - reconciliation. But reconciliation on her terms, if she decides that is what she wants.
Your job is to work on yourself to make yourself a better person and a safer partner.

I tell myself to suck it up throughout the day, whenever my emotions start to get the better of me and I am going to keep working to get to where I want to be and hopefully be the safe partner she wants in the end. Thanks for your encouragement. Good luck to you as well.

lovemywife4ever - thank you for your encouragement too. I hope things get better for you in your journey too.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost time,

Does your wife want to hear from you right now? Concerning your accountability and how you are doing?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4975 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl - thanks for your response.

Does your wife want to hear from you right now?

I think the answer lies somewhere between yes and no. She has been noticeably distancing herself more in the last week. It has been mostly to the facts or matters at hand - we had a nice conversation about meditation. I shared with her what I have been and am reading along with realizations. There were some angry comments and some passive aggressiveness. I am working hard at balancing my emotions. I realize I was projecting a lot of anger and resentment towards her over some false entitlement. I've come to realize a lot in the last two weeks and am trying to share it with her via email. Positive and negative. Emails that are not responded to I am coming to learn are ones that were probably better received or she's still processing. I know I really screwed things up with my TT and chronic lying and I know I can only keep sharing and listening and learning from the reactions. When my emotions are cycling higher I have to keep my mouth shut and avoid talking or conversations because the mindful filter just isn't there and she doesn't deserve any more bullsh!t comments and passive aggressiveness from me.

I have been on the receiving end of comments like "you don't tell me sh!t", "it is irrelevant", "it is what it is", "whatever", "has nothing to do with me or my life". I am working with it and understand where the comments are coming from and why. It is a long road and I have to be consistent after being completely inconsistent and not following through on anything forever.

The accountability is tough given NC (more or less) and living out of the house now. My BS got irate a while back and told me she doesn't want me texting her where i'm going, when i get there, when i leave, etc, etc. She said it's pointless and doesn't mean anything given my history so I respected her wishes and stopped. I have always put my appointments and work appointments into our mutual calendar which is really my stuff and anything with the kids at this point. She has separate personal calendar for herself which again I understand and quite honestly it gives me less to think and obsess about. I have started blocking my time in the calendar she has access to indicating when I'm at the apt, working, stopping at the grocery store or other stores, going for a run, that kind of thing. I didn't say anything to her, I'm just doing it now and will stick with it unless she says otherwise. She does have all the passwords for everything I have and use and don't use for that matter, although she said she threw out the email password i had changed because there was some weird stuff going on with concurrent sessions from unknown ips a couple months ago. I'm not sure what else to do with that, but I keep trying to think of ways I could show this to her. Each day I look at a chance to go out and live with integrity and be accountable to my new standards which include being committed to her and my kids and working on myself to be someone safe in hopes of R one day. I am trying to take concrete steps each day to get myself further away from the behaviour and person I was and be able to like what I see in the mirror more and more.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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