Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Greg (45364)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reflections, eight years removed
stroppy_wanadoo
♀ Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently passed the 8 year mark of ending my A, joining SI and confessing to my H. And I found myself thinking today about the journey - long and arduous at times, but also character building and soul satisfying in the end.

The person I was in 2006 is a world removed from the person I am today, thank God. That person had horrible boundaries, non-existent coping mechanisms, shoddy self-esteem, and zero respect for those around her. And it manifested in me acting entitled and selfish and restless, and certain that I deserved more. I demonized my husband and projected the ugliness inside me onto him to justify my actions. I was 1000 shades of messed up, but I was too busy blaming others (or romanticizing my toxic EA) to recognize it.

I'd love to say it was my idea to stop the EA and confess. In fact, I believe I DID lay claim to that in my early posts here. Yet looking back in complete honesty, I only stopped it and confessed because I was certain we were on the verge of discovery. His wife had an email I sent him. It was clear from its contents that our "friendship" had crossed the line. I confessed to minimize damage, and prevent her from exposing me first. And then I posted about it here and sucked up the accolades for doing the right thing. What a phony I was.

I used SI for my fix after I ended the EA. Mostly I read, and mentally judged those who didn't "understand that what was happening with ME was different!" I had a husband that didn't communicate! He had no interest in me! I did all the work! The times I posted, I complained about how hard I was working to fix our marriage - how saintly I was for ending the A - but how horrible he was because he still wasn't interested in our marriage. I whined about being stuck because I was unable to forgive myself for the EA. To all who reached out to me in 2006-2010, please accept my apologies for using you. I didn't fully realize what I was doing at the time, but in retrospect, I am so ashamed and embarrassed what a parasite I was.


I was probably a "dry adulterer" for four years. Maybe even five. I "felt bad" about what I had done, but mostly because I knew feeling bad was how I was supposed to feel. I stayed true to my marriage in the sense that I didn't communicate with other men (though I thought about what it would be like to have a connection with other men), but I certainly didn't do anything to try to improve the marriage. I still believed I was the victim... poor me.

It was around 2010 that my husband and I sought marriage counseling, finally. What drove us there was actually an issue with our DS. We were at odds on how to deal with some behavioral challenges... of course, *I* had the right answers, and my husband was wrong. Of course, he had been so "absent" in our marriage and I had been doing all the heavy lifting, so what would he know?! This was going to be my chance to show him that we were failing as a couple because of him. Not because of me. No sir. I was not broken. He was.

Holy crap. Some how, God was watching over me during those sessions, and He opened my ears and eyes to the reality of my life, one that I had both created and was continuing to destroy. I wish I could tell you the defining moment in which I realized who I was, and what I had done. I mean, I recall distinctly walking out of one session, getting in the car, and bursting into tears. I turned to my husband truly in horror and said "Oh my God... I'm a monster. I did this. All of it. I am so, so sorry." But I don't remember what happened at that session that showed me the light.

From that moment on, I vowed to change. Really, truly change. I CRAVED each counseling session, the discussions at home with my husband, the introspective alone moments with myself, the reading... It was hard damn work, and sickening to look full-on in the mirror, but the most fulfilling and healing work I have ever done.

Turns out I am married to the most forgiving, loving and nurturing man alive. That guy, the one that never talked and never participated at home? Yeah, he's a great conversationalist when I give him the opportunity to participate, and stop marginalizing and discounting his contributions. And all along, he really did SO MUCH - quietly, behind the scenes - and probably is the one who really kept our household together. Only I didn't recognize it, because I was so busy admiring myself.

Today, I am proud to say I recognize and enforce my boundaries, make healthy choices in dealing with difficult times, accept and appreciate who I am, and value people who share my existence. I am truly HAPPIER than I have been in my entire 41 years of existence.

Just yesterday, I sent my husband - my best friend and partner in life - a text message telling him what a great time I had with him this weekend. Know what we did that was so great? Simply sat on the porch together each night, sometimes in comfortable silence, sometimes in conversation. Eight years ago? I would never have been able to SLOW DOWN and savor this moment... it would have annoyed me. Today? This is exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life, and he's the ONLY person I want to spend it with.

I know this post was nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. But I just felt like I needed to share it... there's hope in what feels hopeless. But you have to be completely HONEST - and that starts with being HONEST with yourself. It's OK if you're ugly right now... you don't have to be that way forever.


Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2006
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this. I'm much like the former you and I'm working towards healthier perspectives.

I wish you all the best.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2014
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I see a lot of myself. Thank you so much for sharing.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your post. I want so badly to be in the position you are now.

btw Dry adulterer is a facinating concept


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, eight years ago. I was just living my life then. Cheating was something other people did, not me. I was happy, or so I thought.
But the seeds of discontent got planted a long time ago didn't they. In childhood for some.

I remember being in driver's education back in the day, and being forced to watch videos of horrific car crashes as part of the course. They really should at least give a pamphlet out on infidelity when you get your marriage certificate.

A colleague of mine confessed to me recently that him and his wife got counselling *prior* to getting married to make sure they were really compatible. I mean, wow. I guess there are people out there who really have their shit together.

As sappy as it sounds I hope I end up on the porch someday, doing nothing but enjoying the comfortable silence.

Thank you for posting your thoughts.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2014
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this post.

I hope to be you someday.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - what an awesome post, thank you!

I feel like the light just went on in me not too long ago and I can't wait to share a similar story of success and growth.

Congratulations on finding yourself and living your dream.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. Thank you for sharing and reminding me the work I have yet to do. Hope we make it as far as you have. Be well be happy

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing, you are inspirational.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 1:27 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
stroppy_wanadoo
♀ Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this is helping in some way... I've not been a great helper because for so long I struggled with helping myself! You guys can do it. You have to WANT to do it... but it can be done! I wish you success in your journeys!

One thought I want to add... I said my husband is the ONLY person I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's true, in the sense of he's the only partner I want. But maybe a little more importantly, I want to spend the rest of my life with ME. I'm OK spending the rest of my life with me as I exist now. That's an important realization I just had as I reread this... there was a time where just living with myself was a prison. It's not anymore. I would actually choose to be my friend now. That's really something huge.


Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2006
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this :)

Very inspiring!


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can definitely relate to that. I keep on mind that whatever happens in my life, wherever I go, I'll be there. So, if I want my life to be better I have to male drastic changes to myself, be better, be healthier.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my wife had your mind right now, i would reward her with a vacation in Paris with sex, wine and chocolates for two weeks.

Congatulations to you. God Bless who you have become. "CHEERS".


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my wife had your mind right now, i would reward her with a vacation in Paris with sex, wine and chocolates for two weeks.
Hilarious, I cannot help but to agree.

This is why I read the wayward forum from time to time. Seeing what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like is great (not for a relationship necessarily but for a partner). Seeing living proof of the expectations I have laid on my partner is comforting; I am not insane to demand what I do since so many of you have changed or are in the process of changing yourself and becoming something marvelous. In addition, I've learned a fair bit about myself and some of my thought/behavior patterns even though I am not a wayward. You guys are true warriors and I thank you for showing what hard work, deep introspection, and growth looks like. Keep up the fight!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 172 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thought I want to add... I said my husband is the ONLY person I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's true, in the sense of he's the only partner I want. But maybe a little more importantly, I want to spend the rest of my life with ME. I'm OK spending the rest of my life with me as I exist now. That's an important realization I just had as I reread this... there was a time where just living with myself was a prison. It's not anymore. I would actually choose to be my friend now. That's really something huge.

You are an inspiration. One I needed badly and didn't know it. This is exactly what I am hoping for as well. It's the place I am striving to get to.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know what we did that was so great? Simply sat on the porch together each night, sometimes in comfortable silence, sometimes in conversation.

I love this. After my A came to light, HT has struggled with whether life is exciting enough for me. My answer to him is that I really don't care what it is we are doing as long as we are doing it together.

Great post. Now post one more! You are at 999!!!!


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing this.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1217 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Topic Posts: 17

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.