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User Topic: What if the marriage really was shitty?
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And of the few things that I *may* have been able to agree with -- when I back-tracked (using the *why* exercise), the root cause was often embedded in my behavior being a 'reaction' to HIS dysfunction, kwim?

I KWYM. I blamed myself for a lot of the problems in the marriage -- and my husband blamed me too. How convenient for him. I had my own dysfunctions, but I could at least acknowledge them.

I thought we had an average marriage pre-affair. I know I was working on it. After dday I came to realize the marriage had been shitty. Maybe I rewrote history after dday, or maybe I could finally see that my husband had really checked out years earlier and he hadn't been putting any effort forth. I could also see that I'd been there making excuses for him. I stopped doing that. So yeah the marriage had been shitty for a long time, I just didn't see his part in that.

My husband has since changed virtually everything about himself after dday. He's changed his behavior and coping mechanisms and his thought process and now the marriage is good. It's far different than it was. Hmmm, go figure. That's all it took. So, even though I suck at math, I know the 50/50 equation doesn't equate to what was going on.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
goingthru
♀ New Member
Member # 43648
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, have I been where you are!

My husband also had an exit affair and blamed it on our "miserable" marriage (his words). I think that I gladly took the blame for it and was completely willing to accept that he made a reasonable choice to exit an unfulfilling marriage for fun, sex, romance, and another chance at love.

Here's the problem with that...it's BS.

My husband worked very hard to convince himself that he was miserable. He worked very hard to convince himself that I was a cold nag of a wife who made his life miserable. The truth was that we were both consumed with the responsibilities of life and had lost our connection. I was trying hard, in my own limited way (while raising 2 young kids essentially alone while he worked crazy hours, too tired for frequent sex, working full-time myself while keeping house, cooking, organizing family life, etc), to keep the marriage going. We, too, were reading books (mostly that I had found and begged him to read), going to counseling, and working on the marriage. All I know is that I was loyal and faithful and he wasn't, even though neither one of us was happy.

BTW, the affair didn't make him happier. She dumped him after giving him and STD, which didn't improve his happiness. His friends and family lost respect for him, which didn't improve his happiness.

Does he have a history of making you feel responsible for his problems? Do you have a history of beating yourself up for your own mistakes and taking responsibility for other people's lives? If so, then don't be the emotional landfill here. Don't take responsibility for someone else's mistake. An exit affair is just like any other affair: an AFFAIR. It is cowardly, disrespectful, and cruelly selfish. I don't care what the reason was. If he was so miserable, he could have divorced you and moved on with his life.

However, acknowledging that there were/are problems in the marriage is honest, as every relationship has them. It is a first step towards rebuilding, if he is on board. If he doesn't show remorse, then perhaps he is not ready to reconcile, for whatever reason.

I believe you deserve not only an apology but full remorse. My husband is the same way, and still blames me for his affairs (exit plus others).

Don't beat yourself up about the affair. You can feel guilt about the state of the marriage and make changes now, but you are not responsible for his bad choices.


Me: BS 40
Him: WH 42
M 14 years, together 20
DS 8 and DD 6
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New York
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it from someone who has Been There Done That: thinking the affair is at least partly your fault means it's your responsibility to prevent it from happening again.

Thing is: you can't control another person's actions, you can't make them be faithful, and you will drive yourself cr-a-a-a-a-zy trying!

If your spouse thought the marriage was so crappy, why didn't he ask for MC?


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
AmSoDone
♀ Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God I can so relate to this. Our relationship was going down the tubes before he left. I tried to talk to him but we just went round in circles, getting nowhere. He refused to see that no sex was destroying us and in the end I stopped trying. He became so detached and I just ignored him because I didn't know what else to do. I wish I had found SI them because I would have confronted it instead of hoping that if our circumstances improved so would our relationship. I buried my head in the sand because I was hurt over his actions and didn't want to face it. I accept my part in our relationship breakdown. What I don't accept is him leaving without even trying to talk properly about this. What I don't accept is that he already had someone else and still hasn't admitted it, even though he knows I know.


BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He really does do a lot of things right. It just seems like the ONE thing that's painfully difficult for him is the ONE thing I really feel I need.
So he'll do the things that come easy/easier for him but when push really comes to shove and things get difficult for him, his first instinct is still to put himself first just like he did with the affair. What's actually changed?

Attempting R with someone who's betrayed you is difficult, but he still wants you to do it, and just like the previous bad marriage R is not a one way street either. He can't only do the 'easy' things. So how about he matches your efforts now and does something that he deems difficult because you need it?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to clarify... if a M is troubled because of an abusive spouse, clearly the spouse being abused doesn't own 50% of the problems. However I was replying to this particular poster who said that they were emotionally unavailable and there was no physical intimacy in the M. That is why I said that JustForgave is responsible for her part in the pre-A M. Physical and emotional intimacy are a huge part of M. If one spouse is withholding those key components...well it's just not fair to the other spouse. Does that excuse the A? Of course not. But there were obviously serious issues in the M, which is why I said JustForgave was 50% responsible for her role pre-A. Of course that doesn't apply to everyone, but it seems to in this case.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1157 | Registered: Jul 2012
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my then-husband complained about our marriage as his justification for cheating, I said something along these lines to him: "Do you think that I was totally happy in the marriage? I didn't think it was perfect."

It was the first time he was actually speechless. He just assumed that I was totally thrilled with everything about our marriage, and he was the only one who felt trapped, unappreciated, etc. And yet... I didn't cheat!

My ex cheated because he was (and is) immature and selfish. The end. There are people in far worse marriages who still remain faithful. That's because they have the maturity to realize that having an affair would make an already difficult relationship even worse. They also are grown-up enough to delay any instant gratification that they might get from an A-- they're willing to either end the relationship first before they go looking for someone new or to work on it instead inviting a third (and unwanted) party into it.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3607 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j @dameia: Sorry, d. I wasn't bitching about *you* saying that, just that sentiment in general.

I just think that a BS needs to be SURE that the issues are actual real bona-fide marriage issues before owning anything.........(but this is obviously a very 'touchy' subject for me because I was one who was in an 'abusive' type situation)
end t/j


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JF - I will echo what so many have already said (7yrsflushed said it well), the A was not your fault. You can own 50% of the marriage problems, but not the choice to have an A.

It sounds like you are working on R with your WS and not getting what you need from him. This was one of my issues with my WW, initially she wasn't giving me what I needed. But I had to learn to communicate better what my needs were to give her the opportunity to help me heal. So as you can imagine poor communication was an issue in our M before the A, and we are working to improve that in R. But my WW didn't have an A because I couldn't communicate, she had an A because she used poor coping skills and made shitty choices.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 94 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j @dameia: Sorry, d. I wasn't bitching about *you* saying that, just that sentiment in general.

No worries gonnabe, I wasn't insulted just trying to clarify. I was also in an abusive type M for awhile (WH was emotionally abusive, although I didn't realize it at the time). So I get where you're coming from.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1157 | Registered: Jul 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also in an abusive type M for awhile

That's what I remembered.....

(WH was emotionally abusive, although I didn't realize it at the time).

......and this is why seeing the 50% thing thrown out there makes me cringe on this type of thread. It DOES take a while to *see* the abusive situation and an 'abused' person is way-too-willing to accept blame that isn't theirs to own, which just leads to further abuse and Ddays.


JF -- my point in all of this is that the 'state of the marriage' is not the issue right now. The issue is that your spouse did not honor his commitment to you. You don't deal with a fire by throwing gasoline on it and then point your finger at the electrical spark that started it for causing all the damage.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of wonderful comments here - just wanted to chime in - yes our marriage wasn't great - but I thought we were happy. Idiot me.


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And of the few things that I *may* have been able to agree with -- when I back-tracked (using the *why* exercise), the root cause was often embedded in my behavior being a 'reaction' to HIS dysfunction, kwim?

This exactly.

At the time, I thought my M was good. Not great, but good. My unhappiness directly coincided w/XH's A. Shocking! The 2 months prior to DD, I'd been thinking about D'ing him daily. During that time period, XH was falling in lurve w/OW. At home, he was a colossal ass.

He blamed our M for his A. I don't buy it; I was M'd to him, quite unhappy, yet I didn't cheat on him.

T/J How happy could one really be if they've been cheated on since the very beginning of the relationship? If your spouse was never faithful to you, except spurts of time between A's? What's your reality at that point?

end T/J


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 756 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I asked why he didn't divorce me, his reply, "I wanted you to divorce me". Guess he thought everyone would feel sorry for him cuz his wife dumped him.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen marriages where 90% of the problems were the betrayed spouse's fault. And the wayward spouse had very legitimate reasons to leave the marriage to pursue happiness.

But the decision to have the affair is still 100% the responsibility of the wayward spouse. One should still be honest about need to change the relationship so fundamentally.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to this list. M was in trouble, I physically and emotionally checked out, H asked for and I set up an MC but she was not really qualified and we weren't really doing the deep work that we needed.

H checked out after a few years of this. On Dday he told me that I had left the M years ago and that's why he did what he did.

Most everyone agrees that the WS had a choice--tell their spouse what they need and try to work it out or leave. That's the honest way. Then there's the way that most of our spouses chose.

I think it's crucial that your H examines why he chose deceit over honesty.

One thing that you can work on is having compassion for yourself and forgiving yourself for how you acted in the M pre-A. That's where IC comes in.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 509 | Registered: Jan 2014
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Post-A, I found out my H had been unhappier than I thought. In retrospect, he had increasingly distanced himself from me, was leading a pretty independent existence, and it all culminated in having a full-blown MLC.

I knew all this on some level, but was caught up with raising our son, trying to be a good mom, doing community work, and increasing my regular work load as well. We were good friends, we loved each other, but our intimacy was low. I see that now -- I don't think either of us had the tools to recognize that, then. No, I wasn't particularly happy either, and got less so as he distanced himself, when I became acutely unhappy, thus feeding the distancing cycle.

So all in all, we thought we were doing pretty well, because we were way better than what we grew up with - better than most of our friends. We rarely fought - no substance abuse issues, supportive on the surface. This made us very vulnerable -- this veneer of stability that had a strong foundation in some ways, but not a lot of depth. I am grateful for the foundation, because it kept us together, but there was something missing, as much as I hate to admit it.

Now that we are vulnerable and more intimate, we have some hellacious fights sometimes, but we are much closer.

ETA: Admitting there was something missing for both of us is hard, because I love my H and I have always believed in us. Obviously, I don't take responsibility for his poor choices, and I can't control him. But, I have learned a lot from this experience, and continue to do so.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:46 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a truly horrible marriage.

He was my first sex partner. Over the years, as real life took over (raising 3 stepchildren, pet, full-time job, full-time housekeeping, etc.) my sexual needs took a back seat and he decided to pursue pornography, masturbate with cialis and (I suspect) hire hookers. I knew something was horribly wrong and when I attempted to discuss it, he hostilely shut me down. In retrospect, I can see that he was simmering with rage at me for years. I mourned nearly every day for years in frustration and loneliness.

He had badgered me for years about politics. I finally had enough and gave it right back to him. This gave him ammo for the A-I was mean.

Put these two ingredients together with a husband who refused to address his issues and he decided he deserved a mistress.

One of the reasons I am staying in the M for now is that the M is so much better than it ever was. He is acting like a real partner for the first time in many years. Frankly, I'm enjoying it (except for the triggers and his refusal to seek counseling).


Posts: 718 | Registered: Aug 2011
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