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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not under the same roof
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most posts I have seen here have both spouses still living under the same roof, most likely for what I assume is because of children. BW and I do not have children, and I moved out at her request after DD2.

I'm hoping for reconciliation one day, but I get frustrated because I feel that I cannot accurately gauge her feelings over the phone. I feel I am fighting a losing battle by not being with her in person.

This is completely fresh for us as DD1 was only a month and a half ago, DD2 2 weeks later. But at the same time, I wish we were under the same roof talking this through every night. We still talk on the phone frequently, but I feel it would be much better in person. It seems things spin wildly out of control over the phone. I would suggest coming to the house and talking in person, but she does not want me in there at all.

To answer your question, yes I know I have a legal right to be in the house however she didn't want me there so I left. I didn't want to make the situation at the time any worse than it was.

Last night, the conversation was bad. She is almost hysterical at times, and refuses to see a doctor (for lack of sleep) or IC. She claims she is handling it on her own. I am in IC, and I feel it is going extremely well. On the flip side, this morning she called me to discuss banking matters and the conversation went well. It is such a tug of war.

My question to anyone is - have you been successful on your path to reconciliation by living separately under different roofs?


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I moved out after D-day while still discussing possible R. We then divorced (XH's choice). While we now live together again, when we started R two years ago we lived separately. I didn't want to move back in together right away because I wanted our new relationship to develop at a healthy pace and I felt living together immediately would be contrary to that.

We did spend a lot of time together though so it sounds like a different situation than you're experiencing.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so you want to reconcile, does your BS want to?
Maybe she doesn't. After all the choice is hers.

Your tone sounds like you think reconciliation is your right.

I'm hoping for reconciliation one day, but I get frustrated because I feel that I cannot accurately gauge her feelings over the phone. I feel I am fighting a losing battle by not being with her in person.
This kinda sounds like you want to be there so you can 'control' the situation. Not good.

Last night, the conversation was bad. She is almost hysterical at times, and refuses to see a doctor (for lack of sleep) or IC. She claims she is handling it on her own.
Again, the choice is totally hers. I would suggest that if you can't handle her being 'almost hysterical' over the phone, it's probably a good thing your not under the same roof. Being there in person is not going to result in non-advisarial calm discussion, in fact it would more than likely be a whole lot worse because the source of her pain would be right in front of her.
After two ddays in two weeks I think your BS has shown incredible restraint in not immediately filing for divorce.
Maybe you should consider yourself lucky in that respect and work from there.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slowuptake - thanks for the comments.

I guess hysterical was the wrong word to use - much too harsh. I'm just feeling helpless.

I completely agree that the choice is up to her and not up to me.

Also, I understand where my words might be misconstrued to show that I want to control the situation - it is not that I want to control, I just want to make sure that she sees the strides I am trying to make through IC. I know it is early in the process, however I truly feel that IC has helped me start on the right path. My frustration is that I cannot show her over the phone. I feel that she doesn't see the agony that I am living without her. One of her comments to me was "Now that you are living a better life" which is the no where near from the truth. She is making up things in her mind and I am not there to counter them with how things really are.

I would suggest that if you can't handle her being 'almost hysterical' over the phone, it's probably a good thing your not under the same roof. Being there in person is not going to result in non-advisarial calm discussion, in fact it would more than likely be a whole lot worse because the source of her pain would be right in front of her.

I'm taking this advice to heart. You make a great point.

Thanks for your perspective. I sincerely appreciate it.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
Topic Posts: 4

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