I haven't posted in a little while but the last 12 hours have been a painful reminder of what my lies and betrayals have done.
If you are reading this and have been unfaithful to your partner STOP NOW. Stop lying to them, stop lying to yourself and your family. If you are in an EA or PA or struggling with temptation to escape the emotions and pain you're feeling STOP NOW.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are, what you want and who you need to be to get there. Be honest with yourself and the truth will find it's way out.
Sadly me writing this may be no help to you. I have read here a lot over the last 2.5 years, but to truly readyou need the proper perspective and there is no manual for stopping from being a selfish pos cheating spouse when you are living life with blinders on.
I have lied to my BS and myself for 20 years. I lied because I am broken and deeply flawed. My beliefs and fears are skewed and false.
I truly believe I have my blinders off now. 20 years too late and the poisoning has been done. I finally stopped torturing my BS with TT out of selfish self protection, denial and misplaced beliefs. After almost 2.5 years of reading what I should do and knowing what I should do I told her everything I had in me.
Last night she said to me - "when are you finally going to tell me the whole truth... I know there's more". The pain and anguish behind this rips me down to a worthless pile of nothingness. I know I haven't left out another encounter or OW. But I have poisoned the way she looks at me and life. I ruined a very real opportunity to make ammends 2.5 years ago and could be in R or well on the way, instead I see my kids on average twice a week, more if I'm lucky. I have to wake up and spend my days alone, not sharing the gift of connection with the woman I truly love knowing that quite honestly I will most likely never get the chance whether she still loves me or not all because I was incapable of seeing what was really behind the reflection in the mirror.
So please find some way, some one to help you, talk to, just find any way of realizing that your fear and of telling the truth and whole truth to your BS is nothing compared with the pain of living in limbo or worse a death sentence because of lying and TT.