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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: roller coaster
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long does this happen? I feel loved and ok with my BS one minute and she flips out the next. I get that it will be that way, but don't know how to deal with it. Tips and pointers to help her and us as a whole would be great. My fear is saying the wrong thing.

On another note, how do I know she will R after D? She wants this D to end this M because she doesn't feel it is real. My worries are she's just getting her ducks in a row to move on without me. Selfish - yes, but I love her and really want to be what she needs.

[This message edited by lovemywife4ever at 11:21 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 212 | Registered: Mar 2014
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are on this roller coaster for a very long time. I am still very new to this but because I am so broken and what I have done to BBF, I know it will always be a roller coaster I will be riding. Hopefully, I will be strong to help him and support him through everything afterward.
On another note, how do I know she will R after D? She wants this D to end this M because she doesn't feel it is real. My worries are she's just getting her ducks in a row to move on without me. Selfish - yes, but I love her and really want to be what she needs.
What I have learned is you have to let go of her wanting to R after D. It's her choice. You made a decision to cheat so she is making a choice to get her ducks in a row. Continue to work on herself and be happy for her no matter what decision she chooses as it was for her and her healing. I always hope that BBF will R, but if he decides not to, I know I will continue to work on me for me to be a safe and not destructive on myself.

I hope the best for you and deena04.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You deal with it by letting go of the outcome and working on yourself. Get to the bottom of your "why's" and make yourself a safe person to be with whether that ends up being your BS or not.

If she needs to get her ducks in a row to make herself feel better, you let her. With humility.

If she needs to get her ducks in a row to prepare for life without *you*, you let her. With humility.

The rollercoaster requires a lot of inner strength. Awkward as you may be at times or as the situation may be; tiptoeing around on eggshells; your BW will still recognize the effort you're putting in to trying to make things better, and respecting her need for space and her need to "flip out".

Find your happy place, learn new ways of calming yourself. Don't smother her and don't try to control how things are going to go. It is what it is, some days. The pain and trauma lessen with each new day. Each new day is a gift and an opportunity to grow. Continue reading and learning. Plenty of books and forum posts and opportunities for self reflection.

(edited for typos)

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 12:01 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 400 | Registered: Apr 2014
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I am almost a year to DDay. Are you in therapy ? Have you identified your reason for A. Are you making yourself accountable.? My Husband had a long term affair and then the OW "stalked me", so that is how I found out. she was identified to me by law enforcement. Long story... remember the movie "Fatal Attraction". That is my situation. I was on a roller coaster for a while and I was very unsure if I was going to stay for about 6 months. One thing my Husband did was go to all our therapy appointments and made himself very accountable. I am now off the roller coaster, but I have moments when I have triggers. Even with both parties really wanting to work things out, it is not an easy process.

At almost a year out, do I completely trust him ? I think for my situation, yes. He knows that without question there will be no second chances. Any evidence I have that he is cheating, I pack my bags and I am gone for good. I know I did nothing wrong and he will have to live with his behavior, not me. I think as a BS, you have to find what makes you feel safe. I know that if it happens again, it is not my problem, nor will I EVER tolerate it or accept it again. "Poof"... I am gone if it happens again. I think that when your BS finds that safe place...things will get better. Also remember, you are not a bad person...you just made bad choices.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate you for your help. IC is kind of out of the question with finances right now. My insurance is crappy as heck and doesn't pay for it. I did a few sessions, but am waiting to go back because of money. She rides this up and down wave and it hurts. I know it hurts her, too. We talked last night and she wants to move forward, but didn't say if forward still meant with me. It is soul crushing to see what I have been to her when I should have been better for her. She truly thought I was a great person. Now she thinks I lead a double life. She doesn't believe a word out of my mouth. I am trying to be consistent and tell her I won't go anywhere while she figures out her safety net. Sad thing is I was her safety net at one point. I love her and want it to be mutual. She can't even respond with a yes I love you or anything when I say that. I get no response. She doesn't know is how that comes across.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 212 | Registered: Mar 2014
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there! Didn't see a stop sign so I'm hoping you don't mind the opinion of a betrayed!

IC is kind of out of the question with finances right now. My insurance is crappy as heck and doesn't pay for it.
This is true for many others, what other actions are you doing that show you have a desire to heal? IC is an important path but there are many many avenues that aide along the way.
It is soul crushing to see what I have been to her when I should have been better for her. She truly thought I was a great person. Now she thinks I lead a double life. She doesn't believe a word out of my mouth.
This sounds like it is still about you and your pain, dig deeper and find your empathy.
I love her and want it to be mutual. She can't even respond with a yes I love you or anything when I say that. I get no response. She doesn't know is how that comes across.
Honestly, I have not said I love you to my wayward since d-day. I do not know if I'll ever be able to say it again because my definition of love is currently under construction and being rewired. To say it now would be nothing more than a lie. At least she is being honest with you while she sorts through her heart. All you can do is work as ferociously on yourself as humanly possible while attempting to empathize with her and put her first. Not sometimes, not most the time, but ALWAYS. Best of luck!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 172 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love her and want it to be mutual. She can't even respond with a yes I love you or anything when I say that. I get no response. She doesn't know is how that comes across.

There is no stop sign so here is my two cents.

I think the fact that she is slow to say I love you back can be reframed as a good thing.

It means she takes the concept of love seriously and is not willing to use the word frivolously.

As a BS, I can tell you it is very humiliating to tell the person who stabbed you in the back with a humiliating affair, that you love them.

The old love is likely gone, due to the trauma of the affair.

What you need to do is win her love back. You need to have her fall in love with you again.

That takes work and not everyone is up to that type of work.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1462 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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