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User Topic: The good, the bad and some ugly.
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I keep thinking he could do so much better.

SoSorry, if you are there for him and support him and help him work through his pain, how could he do better?

If you look at the mistakes you have made and work on finding the source and fixing it, how could he do better?

Finally, why do you keep having these feelings that you are so unworthy? Because of the PA? I don't think so. I've been following your posts and I see areas where you had these feelings even before the PA. You said yourself you always needed to be told how great/smart/etc you were by someone else.

Stop this foolishness with thinking you are unworthy. It has only gotten you into trouble. SWAT thinks you are worthy. Things you have done don't define who you are today. What defines you is what you are doing now. I think SWAT knows this.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did nothing to personally hurt him here. Sentencing is by the Court, and Dipstick did that to himself, and still is. The card? Ditto. Sure, its a trigger/reminder or whatever you want to call it, but it was NOTHING solicited by you. So YOU didn't hurt SWAT, but did the right thing showing it to him and by going to the police/prosecutor with it. He just won't stop because he is crazy.

Yes, horrible choice, and even worse choice of AP. But you cannot rewrite history. You're no longer keeping diaries, setting up "farewell" meetings and the like. You have gone total NC with AP.

I hope that whatever state you live in takes him in as a guest. That will certainly diminish future contact.

Wasn't there something about "next time its a felony"? When discussing the latest with prosecutor, remind him/her of that possibility.

Handing problems? You proved the other night and day you're learning how to do that (see my previous post) and SWAT is smart enough to see that, I'm sure.

Do not focus on regret -- how bad you feel for what you did and what has happened. Regret isn't remorse, and SWAT needs the remorse. Nobody in her right mind wouldn't regret what's happened. That's not much progress. Remorse is understanding how SWAT feels to the best of your ability and trying to the best of your ability to help him, even if that means leaving him alone.

Think about showing the card and him leaving for some alone time. Would the you of a few months ago gone chasing after him because you felt bad? I think so. You didn't. That's progress visible to SWAT.

Don't focus on how bad you feel. If you do (and read the last paragraph of your post) its a formula for failure. You are better than that.

See if SWAT wants to postpone the court date, but I wouldn't ask him right now when this other problem surfaced.



Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
JanetS
♀ Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally, why do you keep having these feelings that you are so unworthy? Because of the PA? I don't think so. I've been following your posts and I see areas where you had these feelings even before the PA. You said yourself you always needed to be told how great/smart/etc you were by someone else.

Exactly. SWAT is there because he wants to be there. He may not ALWAYS want to be there, he has his moments, but he is there. And, in his words "I'm in it to win it".

This is the roller coaster....one which you need to become familiar with.

I'm glad you've got a good vibe from your new IC. Between SI and the IC you're well covered :)

You had a wonderful holiday, with one more coming up later in the summer. Memories were made, fun was had....and some healing happened. You've got good people around you. Try to concentrate on your blessings, you have many.

As for AP, you're going to have to deal with it. I am glad he did this again. I'm hoping that the more silly attempts he makes to contact you will cause him more time behind bars. At some point I hope he gets it.

Just keep doing what you are doing.



Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just keeping going one step at a time. Somany things I hear you say has happened here in my home with my BH.

My Bh just triggered this weekend as well, he was before he came home and when we were laying to gether he was telling me how the mind movies and the fact that I slept with someone and then I would come home and sleep with him just made him feel disgusted. Of course you can relate how I feel . but its the truth. Icontinue to listen to him as we lay together , he can't look at me when he feels this way, he can only hold , so we lay in the spoon position. As he tellsme all the feelings he has for all the horrible things I have done to our family and him. I lay there and listen. I apologize. I can't help but the tears do well up in my eyes and I feel his pain, anger, hurt, disgust, embarasement, fury, utter disallusiment and the conflict in himself and the love, as well the pain and the hurt, the shame and the self hate, and the amazement this man is here still.

Then he proceeds to apologize to me for making our weekend bad. In truth , I am like you . I feel usually worse then, cause literally are you kidding me you are apologizing to me! . He has explained it me.

For him, he does not want to treat me bad, he does not want to loose me, he wants to be able to have a loving realationship, so to hurt me , he can't see how that can benefit. He is a born protector,like your BH. He feels guilty for bringing us down. He feels bad for not being able to control his emotions, he has allways beena man of logic and a solution. This betrayal is so out of his understanding. He does not have the tools. My Bh will also at this point will not get IC help and we are at 20 months.

I feel for both of you. Karma is a bitch. She does not make things easy for you once you bring her into your life. So watch for her and be ready.
We deserve her, at the same time, we also do deserve love.

So work on yourself . Find your fett, and make sure you understand who you are, and why you do the things you do. Its so bloody scary, and it is even more depressing to know you could have changed things. The sun still rises the next day.

Keep going, you are doing well.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the encouragement. Sometimes I'm just so ashamed at myself. I never thought I could be a cheater.

Looking back I can see my history of poor or no boundaries. I always equated cheating with sex, so the EA's I had never registered with me. Until my PA I would have sworn on a stack of bibles I wasn't a cheater. Since my early teens I've always talked about my various relationships with people. My brother pissed me off, I would vent to Swat. My mom made me mad I would tell my gf. My bff pissed me off I would talk to her boyfriend. You get the picture. I rarely talked about the problem with that person.
But Swat was my biggest confidante growing up, I could tell him anything and he would listen and give me advice. Great advice from a teen aged boy actually. I had that crush on him, the one where you just know. He never knew of course, I was just a kid. I remember promising myself that one day he would be mine and we would live happily ever after. Fairy tales aside that was what I wanted at 13. I promised myself I would wait for him as long as it took. That fact was the one thing I never told anyone. I never told anyone about how I felt.

Three years later Swat comes home on leave and I'm giddy. I can't wait to see him. He arrives and gives me a hug and promptly introduced his gf. I was furious, I wanted to scratch her eyes out. I was a bitch to him the rest of his leave, and he visited a lot. Seriously I was 16 and he was 21 that summer, and I was angry he had a gf and wasn't with me.( jail bait didn't register with me)

From that point on I changed. I was gonna show him. I did some stupid shit and even got married right after high school. That was another horrible experience all together. My ex was an alcoholic and was verbally and physically abusive. For some reason I never told anyone that before I filed for divorce. I guess I didn't want to be seen as stupid or immature. My whole family hated him and were not supportive of my marrying him. This is in no way blaming Swat. I just was living in a fantasy world and I went of the deep end, when MY fantasy wasn't fulfilled.

Recently I realized something. I can talk to just about anyone about anyone else. Every little mistake or detail was up for discussion, but we can't talk about my mistakes or bad decisions.

Sorry for the verbal vomit, I'm just at a very low point today. Venting here helps a lot and I actually feel a little better. I'm not giving up, because my family is worth it. I will be a better person for me first and my family.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2014
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's hard to see the positives in the messes we create. I just want you to know that through all the good, bad, and ugly, you are here, living a full life, with Swat and your children, even when things feel low. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Even if he postpones the court date forever, or never postpones it. Things change all the time.

We are years out and I still continually struggle with my demons, some days are harder than others. We've gone from talking over it to fighting about how much/little we talked about it. I've gone from wanting my marriage so badly, to not caring if it saw the light of another day. I've gone from loving my husband, to indifference, to really hating him, back to loving him. Life changes, we change. It's great today, and tomorrow it might suck. But it's life, it's our life, and I try the best I can. I guess my point is, expect the ups and downs because this is life. You're doing fine, you both are.

Vent away.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2010
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can talk to just about anyone about anyone else. Every little mistake or detail was up for discussion, but we can't talk about my mistakes or bad decisions.

Its easy to point out flaws someone else has. It simultaneously puts them down and makes us feel good about ourselves. Healthy? No.

It's a real sign a maturity to be able to take an unbiased look at oneself and really take an accurate inventory of faults and shortcomings. When you see them you can actually address them. It doesn't give you the jolly goodies that putting down / gossiping about someone else does, but in the long run it makes you a better person.

I said it once before but I just want to repeat it again: I see you doing this more and more. Keep it up.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fight this battle with my wife sometimes, as I wrote above.

All I can suggest is what I wrote above, and what I will tell me wife:
"You think I don't see the ugliness inside. But you are wrong, I do. But I see the beauty too, and if you are patient I can show it to you"

I have no doubt swat would say the same thing - try trusting in the fact he sees something in you you do not.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 262 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread has so much excellent observations and advice in it for all of us. I am a BS. I don't want to derail SS17s thread but wanted to comment on a couple of posts in particular.

By the way, SS17, thank you so much for being open, taking the 2X4 and learning and growing. You have a whole community rooting for you and SWAT. I think everyone is hoping for reconciliation but also wants personal healing for both of you no matter what the outcome of the marriage.

Mt WW and I are struggling with reconciliation. Sometimes I think she is more at the regret stage other times I think she has moved somewhat into remorse. Time will tell.

I don't know how to put the quotes from other posts into little boxes so will do it with quotation marks if I can.

"There doesn't always need to be a specific trigger to make your BH angry or sad or withdrawn. The reason he is angry is simple. You slept with another man. You gave yourself to someone other than your husband and that makes him angry. You having an affair will always be the answer to why he is angry. Now there will be specific things he will get angry about too but the overall theme is because you had sex with this OM and you allowed yourself to become emotionally attached to him." WalkingOnEggshelz

This meant so much to me. I had my WW read it because it says it so much better than I have ever been able to.

" well some of these triggers can last a long time. Not as much for me anymore, but yes indeed seeing my wife naked was a trigger. In just seeing her cute body, which was supposed to be *special* and just for me, it didn't take long for me to visualize that body being penetrated and slobbered on by some OM. So much for *special* and just for me. That is a very hard emotional concept to let go of for some men." MC_Jack

The same.

"There are two ironies. The first, that my wife is the biggest cause of my triggers, but also is the one that gives me the biggest relief from them when they occur. The second is that when they happen my wife often feels like a failure, a bad person, someone with little self worth. The only person who really can see beyond the guilt and shame and worthlessness to the person who is beautiful and valuable and worth loving is me. I can see it, she cannot." redsox13

and

"You think I don't see the ugliness inside. But you are wrong, I do. But I see the beauty too, and if you are patient I can show it to you" redsox13

Thank you for saying this. I told my WW and perhaps it pertains to you and SWAT, SS17, "The only one who doesn't love (my WW) is (my WW).

SS17, the threads you start and the comments that come in help so many people. This particular thread was very powerful for me and my WW. I only quote these three but all of the insight provided was so valuable. Thank you all.

Ted


[This message edited by steadychevy at 8:20 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are having a bad day and sorry that the OM just won't give up. It seems his sick ambition is to undermine your marriage and replace SWAT with himself. Hope he gets jail time when he's sentenced. Take him out of circulation for a while.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things jumped out at me when reading this thread.

First your sentence:

Every decision I'm making is based on how he feels right now.

Then Skan’s excellent post:
The best thing that you can do for him, is to keep working on yourself.

Look – what you are dealing with is the ultimate put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first-before-helping-others.

Your decisions should be all about how YOU feel, how YOUR acts impact YOU and how YOU can improve.

I know it sounds selfish but part of your journey is to realize that if your thinking is correct – if your motivation is correct – if your moral compass points true north – ALL your decisions will have the long term benefit of your family and loved ones in mind.

Take this example: Say you see a pensioner drop an envelope when entering your local bank. You pick it up and realize right away that its heavy with money. Now – the OLD you might be tempted to keep the money. After all – you are thinking of SWAT and that money could get you on that cruise you always dreamed of. The NEW you – the one that thinks long-term… She realizes that doing the right thing is better. That any short-term gain made by immoral or wrong means won’t give any long term profit. So you give the money back to the pensioner feeling good in the knowledge of doing right.

So don’t base your actions on what makes SWAT feel right – base them on what IS right. Swat being the man he is will appreciate that.

Finally – The Walk… I think taking long walks with my wife has done more for my marriage than any other single activity. I guess that 2-3 times a week we go out for 20 minute + walks. Sometimes we talk but sometimes it’s just quiet. I can’t strongly enough recommend you two try to take regular walks together. In fact – try to find activities together. I go to the gym at the same times as my wife. We do completely separate things but simply the act of going together and coming home together gives us together time in a busy schedule.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH worked last night and came home this morning angry. All he said was everything seems to be a trigger. He spent the morning with the kids and he seemed to calm down. The kids went with my parents this afternoon because they are going on a short two day fishing trip. After they left we talked, or rather he did and I listened. He says he loved me or rather he loved who I pretended to be. He said he is losing hope. Hope in me, other people and marriage, he said he's losing hope for life in general. He said for the first time in his life he is unsure he made the right choice. He said that he has never been in this much pain and he needs it to stop. He said he's thinking of leave the police department, leaving me. He said he wants a fresh start somewhere new. He said he trusted me and now he can't. He said he isn't sure he ever can or even will want to trust me again.

Then he got angry, very angry. He blames me for ruining everything he ever loved. He said I've taken his pride, his family, his heart, his honor and his sanity. He said he gave all of himself to me and I shit on it. He said he now has to decide if he can live like this. He said the only thing he has left is the kids, and he has to share them with me. He said if it wasn't for them, he would be gone and I would never have to see him again. I could actually see the hate in his eyes.

I apologized for everything I did. I cried and so did he. He said he is defeated and thinks he's close to giving up. He said there are just sometimes "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. He said he is the sorry one and while we probably should divorce, he can't fathom some other man raising his kids. Then he apologized for not being the type of person I needed him to be so I could be happy.

This just hurts so much. I've destroyed the beautiful person that he is. He has and would stand between you and I and face what ever danger was there. He would hold your hand if your scared and reassure you everything was going to be alright. Because he really thought it would be and he would do everything he could to make it happen. If you needed clothes or food he would give them no questions asked and no payment needed.

With all of that, he still apologized. He doesn't think he is or was a good enough man. We have had lots of talks since dday. This may have been the angriest I have ever seen him. He still hasn't come to terms with the fact it isn't his fault. Its all mine. He vents but he doesn't really blame me. I've read how BS call WS names and are verbally and sometimes physically abusive. He has only called me a slut one time to my face and he has damaged some property, but never raised a hand to me and he apologized for doing those things and said it was his fault he couldn't control his anger.

I've got a lot of work to still do. But I'm going to be a better person. I actually think I'm a much better person than I was last month. I actually think he sees me trying and I am very open with all that I am doing. There is nothing hidden from him.He doesn't seem to want my help with dealing with his triggers. When he has calmed down and come back from wherever he goes he doesn't want touching him or talking about it. I'm not sure what to do. I give him his space when he needs or asks for it. I talk or listen when he asks. I know he has IC. But he seems to be getting worse. When this whole mess started he seemed better. The farther along we go the more he seems to blame himself and he is getting more sad and depressed.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2014
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he seems to be getting worse. When this whole mess started he seemed better.

I don't want to scare you be the bearer of bad news, but things are probably going to get worse before they can ever get better. He is processing and that takes time.

There a hundreds of movies with infidelity as a theme. Try to find a single one where the woman cheated and it wasn't because the man had failed the relationship in some way shape or form. A man cheats, he is slime, a player, a jerk, what have you. But if a woman cheats, something is missing from her life. Or her husband isn't giving her all that she needs. This is what the media teaches us. So given that, it is difficult for him not to blame himself. I think many BH's make the mistake of attempting to woo back their WWs after discovery. But then the processing begins.

I thought men were simple creatures before my A and women were the complicated ones. I think I always saw men as somewhat 2 dimensional. It turns out that men are much more complicated than I ever thought. That they feel every bit as much as women. And those feelings are colored with a whole lot of pride. And pride is important. So there is only so much a man is willing to give up.

As your BH begins to process your A, his pride will be shattered. Just going to work becomes a difficult task. He is going in every night to be with a bunch of other men that know his wife slept with another man. They even know who that man is. Every time your BH turns his back he will be wondering who is talking about the fact that he couldn't make his wife happy. He will wonder who is laughing behind his back about what a cuckhold he is. He can't be comfortable in his own skin. And then he comes home to the one person who triggers him the most. Right now there is no safe place for him. No place to just get away from it. It's no wonder he wants to start over someplace else.

Think about the details of your A. Process them. How does it make you feel? He can not heal without processing and working through the details. It's far too much to do all at once. If you want to make this work, understand that this will be difficult. He will be angry. He will want to break things. He will want to scream and maybe cry. His entire life as he knew it has been pulled out from underneath him. Just like with trauma, as the shock wears off, the pain of the injury sets in.

Continue to offer love and support. Continue to apologize for specific aspects of your A. Continue to work on yourself. And share your feelings with him. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable with him. Let him know that he isn't alone. That you are in it together.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with WOE. He's has a lot more than just you to deal with. In addition to everything WOE mentions above, he has the added stress of PTSD and probably some survivors guilt as well. Don't want to project, but his FOO issue of being rejected by his father may (or may not) add to the it's my fault situation as well.

Put all of it together and it's emotionally and mentally insurmountable.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post from WOE; bit depressing though, all that misery ahead. Just have to stiffen your back, summon all of your resolve and see this through to whatever conclusion.

Its a lot for SWAT to digest and analyze. The words in your diary, the knowledge of your affair being broadcast among his co-workers and most of them have seen naked pics of you on their cell phones. You need to understand the sheer magnitude of what this great guy has to absorb. Make sure SWAT sees your pain and misery; it will help him to know that you are suffering too; thats its not all one way.

A common observation in JFO is that the BS can't sleep at night and loses weight. Another observation is that it doesn't seem to happen to the WS. Thats why he needs to see your pain; that you are not just waiting for him to recover and move on. Not just tears; write him some letters about your personal devastation and your hopes for a brighter future together.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice, just hugs for you. I hope he is in counseling to work through all he is going through. I'm worried about both of you.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2010
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today was a great day. Swat came home from work and didn't seem as angry so I took a chance and asked if we could just spend some time alone. He agreed so I packed a picnic lunch and we went for a hike in the woods. There wasn't much talking but he did hold my hand and helped me over some obstacles. We stopped at the pond and ate lunch. He had been awake for about 16 hours and he was obviously tired, but he was there. I was sitting down and he was laying down and he wasn't very talkative, so I kind of had a bout of verbal vomit.

He let me hold him and I apologized to him again. I apologized for the dark circles under his eyes, the stress in his shoulders, the pain I can't fathom he is feeling. I apologized for making him doubt himself. Then I thanked him. I thanked him for his kind soul, his loving heart and his fierce determination. I thanked him for all of his help and sacrifice through the years. I thanked him for loving me and giving me three little Swats to love and who love us so fiercely. I thanked him for today, for giving me one more day with him. I will thank him everyday if he let's me. I talked about my fears and my dreams for the future. I told him I don't ever want to live a day without him, but I know that isn't my decision to make. I told him about what I've discussed in IC, what I've found out on SI and I mentioned some of the suggestions.

By the time I got it all out, I was a literal mess. Crying, shaking and I couldn't look at him, it hurt to much. He hugs me and says "Baby please stop crying, your breaking my heart." I yelled at him and said "No, I already did that. Get mad, yell at me say I'm a whore! Say I'm a horrible person, because I am! Hate me, curse me out throw me to the curb." I went on and on and I honestly don't remember it all. It went on for a while and then he just held me and rocked me to sleep. I'm exhausted, I have not been sleeping well lately. He is working nights and I stay awake worrying and thinking and when we do sleep together I just stay awake to make sure he really is there.

I'm in awe of this man. I've never felt this much pain before. My pain is embarassment, self doubt, shame, fear of the future the same as anyone else. But he has the same pain including betrayal, deception, loss of family and so much more. Yet he held me while i slept and he is still here, upstairs sleeping in our bed. He holds my hand and reassures me.

I'm a freaking idiot. That's really all I can say about myself right now. I can't comprehend surviving what he is going through. I know that I accused him of cheating to justify my affair, it made me angry just thinking about it. I honestly think I would die if he ever did. My pain is immense and it is just a small fraction of his, I'm not sure I could survive it.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2014
JanetS
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not much to say to you right now but to offer you a heartfelt hug.

(((((SoSorry17))))


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is what SWAT needs to hear. He cannot even remotely deny that you love him very intensely after your words of remorse. I know they moved me to tears.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, this would be, and was, the kinds of things that I needed and still need to hear. I think that you did very good today. It was great that you were able to comfort each other.

Specific apologies are the best. They really are. "Sorry." "I'm sorry." Those statements mean really, less than nothing in your/our situations.

I apologized for the dark circles under his eyes, the stress in his shoulders, the pain I can't fathom he is feeling. I apologized for making him doubt himself. Then I thanked him. I thanked him for his kind soul, his loving heart and his fierce determination. I thanked him for all of his help and sacrifice through the years. I thanked him for loving me and giving me three little Swats to love and who love us so fiercely. I thanked him for today, for giving me one more day with him. I will thank him everyday if he let's me. I talked about my fears and my dreams for the future. I told him I don't ever want to live a day without him, but I know that isn't my decision to make. I told him about what I've discussed in IC, what I've found out on SI and I mentioned some of the suggestions.

The above is what BSs need to hear. Exactly why a WS is sorry. That the WS notices the toll that it takes on a BS, specifically. That the WS knows that the decision of a BS to try again, to try to love, is so worthy of respect. That the WS is digging and trying to get to the bottom of what it was that made it OK for them to betray the BS. AND especially, what the WS has learned and to solicit feedback from the BS.

You did very well indeed. I am proud of you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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