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User Topic: Update - i told my BH
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He wasn't pleased, and is still processing, but still loves me and was incredibly understanding, and calm, and reassuring and amazing. He will have questions as things sink in, I know, and I'll answer all of them truthfully, even if he's unhappy with the answers.

He did tell me last year that he had the opportunity several years ago when our marriage was rocky, to cheat with a coworker that was into him, but that he chose not to, so he understood that feeling of being wanted by someonennew, and the whole new relationship flirting and energy. I just let myself slip further than he did, and was too weak to stop things earlier, but did ultimately stop things from crossing into the physical realm.

We spent time discussing what we need to do to improve on our relationship, and may go to counselling (I definitely want to) but he's still loving and affectionate and assured me that he still loves me .

We'll take it day to day because I know that a rangeof feelings are normal aaround this, but ultimately he still loves me and wants to keep working on things with me.

And he's glad I told him, and glad it didn't become a physical affair.

Thank you again for all your support! Will keep updating as things progress.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done. You made a good choice.

Keep posting and reading. You will get much support here.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fantastic work - I'm really proud of you.

Be prepared for him to start on the emotional rollercoaster of pain and confusion. I was "ok" with it for about a day and then my brain caught up to my ears and I imploded.

Keep the lines of communication open and the humility up. When the dust settles you may need to revisit his EA and sort that out.... that one can't be rugswept forever and I wouldn't count it as "nothing."


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17283 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I'm bracing myself for the fallout.

When we discussed the issueof his ... Hm... I don't know if it was an affair so much as they flirted and wanted him, but he said no and ended contact with her - when we went over it last year I went through a similar roller coasteras iI processed. Being able to ask questions and express my anger and upset was huge for me. We've talked tonight about needing to communicate more and better, so I have to work on not getting defensive with whatever negative emotions or responses he brings up. He's fully entitled and I deserve them.

Should I check in with him? Ask him over the next few days how he's feeling about it all?


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say...I'm proud of you. I read your 'I'm wavering' post.
I can hinestly say that my H's lies and deception were almost equally as damaging as his other betrayals. Every single betrayal was found by me and confronted or suspected and asked him over and over with denials which ultimately turned into confession. The pain of knowing your spouse lied crushes trust like nothing else. I have told him many times how differently I would have viewed him and our relationship if he had come to me and confessed rather than how it happened. It truly makes you question everything you thought you knew.
Just wanted to say good job. You absolutely did the right thing. This will probably be the toughest thing you've ever had to navigate but if you work through it together and do the right things it can also result in a truly authentic relationship with an intimacy you were never aware was possible. I wish that for you and your H.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome!!


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Macsecond, you have my complete respect. What you did tonight was terrifying As much as you knew it was 'the right thing to do' you didn't know how he would react. Would he be calm? Would he explode? Would he leave? You didn't know, and you confessed just the same. Honest, I couldn't be more proud of you. Your fear didn't stop you from giving him the truth, and accepting whatever that may bring. From the sounds of it, while I'm sure it will bring grief, you confessing did wonders for your M. You may not feel it, but read some of the posts from BSs - those that got confessions vs those that discovered. You're in the winning camp.

The fact that he remembered last year, and how those feelings were tempting, is huge. HUGE. I feel very strongly that you two will make it.

EDIT: I really hope I don't end up in the dog house, but if at any time a BS starts to come down on you, you pm me. I won't yell or belittle, but i'm happy to explain the hard work you've already done to make a bad situation right. I've got your back

Be very very proud. You may have done somethings you aren't proud of, but you picked your head up, dusted yourself off, and moved, from that minute forward, to doing the right things. In a short time you've learned a lot, and grown a lot. Congratulations.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 3:57 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Macsecond, there are some tough hours and days ahead. He is still in shock, and when the shock wears off you and he will both begin the long work of understand how hurt he really is, and what you can do to heal him. And you too have a huge amount of work to do to understand what fear/insecurity/need is in you, that is so strong that the need to fill it and still its howling demands overrode your empathy for the husband you clearly love. There are a lot of good people here who can help you with this work.

But--lies are deadly, not just to your marriage, but to you own soul. Today you can begin living again as a woman of integrity. This is no small thing. Today your soul can begin reaching for the light, and growing again. No matter how hard the days to come, take pride that today and, I hope, all the days to come, you soul is alive and growing again towards giving and towards joy.

Well and bravely done.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done. Just don't get discouraged when the roller coaster dips. hang in there.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's awesome!! You took a huge step by confessing and it will be a long road to fully heal your marriage.

I think it took my BH about a month before shit really hit the fan. Yes be glad your EA never went to PA because it is really hard for my BH to "get over". He will never get over what I did but we have come a million miles in the last 3 months in this 2 year journey that we've been on. Finally starting to see signs of actual recovery. They say it's a 2-5 yr timeline to heal. For us it's looking like a full 2 years to even come close.

With your BHs mini EA he might have more understandig in the long run. But you guys both need to have some serious boundary discussions and maybe read that book Not Just Friends. Your marriage would not survive if either of you have weak boundaries... Even emotionally speaking. Counselling would do you two wonders.

Good luck and we are all proud


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 845 | Registered: Jul 2012
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but if at any time a BS starts to come down on you, you pm me. I won't yell or belittle, but i'm happy to explain the hard work you've already done to make a bad situation right. I've got your back

Painfulpast,

Wayward is a protected forum, and all the forums are moderated to make sure no guidelines are being broken.

The moderators work hard to keep the site safe for everybody. Please don't insinuate that this happens here, especially to a new member reaching out for help.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Macsecond,

Way to go! I know that was terrifying and humiliating. And the road from here is not easy either. Don't stop here. Get yourself into IC. Ideally both of you need IC with C experienced with infidelity. No rugsweeping!

Start journaling, thinking it through, and repairing the damaged parts of you.

For me it has been freeing and I have found depths of love for my DH, kids, and myself that I didn't know was possible. I even view people in general with much more compassion and understanding than ever before. I believed I truly love my H before but now that I am able to *see* my weaknesses and flaws it has freed me to love him more than ever before. My screwed up coping and thinking was a major handicap. I truly wish I would have opened my eyes without the trauma I inflicted on all of us but I'm grateful for the growth and increased knowledge I'm being blessed with.

I wish for you both the pain and pride of discovery, understanding and growth because I know the joy it will bring to you and those you love.

ETA: I recommend you read and then read together when/if your BH is willing "Not Just Friends" & "How to Help Your Souse Heal From Your Affair".

[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:51 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone. The support here is amazing, and I know I would not be able to cope or to have had the courage to come clean without it. I will continue to post, as it helps to have people who understand give me feedbackand guidance and validation for how I'm feeling and why I'm going through.

ETA: I recommend you read and then read together when/if your BH is willing "Not Just Friends" & "How to Help Your Souse Heal From Your Affair".

Are these books, or are they articles linked somewhere?


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are books. Not Just Friends is by Shirley Glass. Not sure of the author of the other one but if you google them you'll find them both.

ETA a shameless plug----if you go to the SI home page and click on the Amazon link to order the books, SI makes a small percentage.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfect. I'lldo ythat. Thank you!


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 15

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