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User Topic: Help please. I'm wavering.
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to tell BH this afternoon/evening, but youngest child fell ill and I needed to bring the kids home early so my opportunity to tell him uninterrupted was lost.

I'm now wavering on whether to even tell him or not. He doesn't suspect. He hasn't asked if I've had an affair. The situation is done. OM is not telling his BS. It was an OEA so there'sno chance of us meeting. I'm never doinganyth ing like it again. What's the harm in not telling him? What's the benefit of telling him?

I'm also extremely exhausted. I haven't slept well in days, I can't think or concentrate. I've been running what I want to tell him over and over in my head in so many different configurations.

I may wait til tomorrow, if I do tell.

Or, i may go to see a therapistffirst and get their advice/opinion plus get myself settled and prepared for it too.

I just don't know.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read the suggested threads here? Should you,how to,,and what to expect.

I don't think waiting to,see your therapist is necesarily a bad idea but don't hide behind it. The therapist doesn't have to live in your skin or in your head.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot have an authentic marriage built on a bed of lies.

Your husband deserves to know the painful truth, and you need to muster up the strength to tell him.

OM's wife deserves to know as well. She is living a lie.

Do the right thing. Be honest.

IMO a good therapist will not advocate lying to your spouse.

[This message edited by annb at 7:58 PM, July 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 7535 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you choose to keep this from him. You have removed his ability to choose for himself how he would like to proceed with his life and partnership with you.

If you tell him you cede all control of the outcome.

Right now you get to decide the course of your marriage. Make no mistake about this- your omitting your affair doesn't change the damage caused- it only changes the fact that your BS doesn't know.

You can make commitments and promises - to yourself. But if you choose to have no accountability to the person you claim to love and share your life with, that speaks to your self interest being the first priority.

If you choose to keep it to yourself. That says something about you. Know it. Live with it. I don't think it will be as easy as you think it will be.

[This message edited by redrock at 8:28 PM, July 4th (Friday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Macsecond. You know you need to tell him. Part of that reason why is why you came here to SI. Clearly you lover your H and that is exactly why you have to tell him. I know you are scared, but it is the right thing to do. The guilt and burden you carry can be much greater if you're not honest. Your marriage will not be based on honesty and you will be denying him any sort of choice or basic right to know that truth.

Worse than that, the longer you wait, and then he somehow finds out later, the greater the damage will be to your marriage and family. You might think everything is nice, neat, and compartmentalized, but there is always a chance for discovery later no matter what it is.

Most importantly, do yourself a favor, live an authentic life where you don't have to keep secrets buried. Do it for your H, do it for your family, but most importantly, do it for yourself.

Let go of the outcome and set yourself free. You will be honest and authentic if you do.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
identitylost
♀ Member
Member # 34496
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell....but I'd wait until after the holiday. Don't make today a trigger for him for the rest of his life. Just my opinion as a BS


Me: BS (37)
Him: someone else's problem
1DS (3)
M: 5yrs
OW: irrelevant at this point.
DDay: 12/17/11
Divorced: 01/13

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had an OEA. He didn't confess, but I knew something was wrong as soon as it started. Most of the BSs here will tell you they sensed something was off right away, but ignored it because they never thought it would be an A.

I'm willing to bet your H, whether you've paid attention or not, knows something isn't right, and hasn't been. Telling, at a minimum, lets him know he's not crazy. At best, it lets him be a full partner to his marriage, and to make decisions that affect his life based on reality, not the show someone let him see.

I'm sure this is hard - much harder than I can know - but reverse the roles. What would you want?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said in your other thread that he's been suspecting something about the way you're acting and he even asked if you were pregnant.

He knows something is up.

My BH said it was a relief when he found out because he knew something was going on and he felt like he was going crazy. Don't do this to your BH. He deserves to know and make decisions based on truth.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37582 | Registered: Sep 2007
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said in your other thread that he's been suspecting something about the way you're acting and he even asked if you were pregnant.
He knows something is up.

BINGO!!!

I think sometimes, because a WS is able to fool the BS so often, when the BS says something seems off, the WS brushes it off and gaslights, and assumes all is well. It's not.

I said a few times something wasn't 'working' He'd just shrug and say it was in my head. After a couple of months, I decided to find out myself. Boy - was I right.

He knows something. He probably feels like he's losing his mind a little.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't suspect. He hasn't asked if I've had an affair. The situation is done. OM is not telling his BS. It was an OEA so there'sno chance of us meeting. I'm never doinganyth ing like it again. What's the harm in not telling him? What's the benefit of telling him?
Remember in my response to your last post I mentioned all the clever ways our brains can begin to use the neural pathways we create to allow ourselves to get our needs met at other people's expense? To make it mentally okay somehow? I think you are seeing that process in action.

You know what the right thing to do is. Don't relegate yourself to a life of screwed up thinking. Seriously. I get wanting to wait, not wanting to tell, wanting to take it to the grave. There were plenty of things like that in my life that I have had to dig up in trying to figure out why and how I was able get my needs met at my BH's expense and somehow think that was an okay thing to be doing. And I can honestly say now, having dug them up, looked at them and dealt with them, I feel like I'm a real girl for the first time in my adult life.

This is a tough business, recovering from infidelity. I don't blame you for being scared and wobbly. I'm glad you came here for some shoring up. I hope you make a good decision.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't wavering, you're letting fear talk to you. Understandable since BH may find it a deal breaker. Especially since an OEA affair with sexting, video, whatever may not even be on his radar,screen any more than those secret text apps were on mine until I got an education here.

You may have to explain to him what an OEA is. Or succumb to the lure of minimizing and just tell him you were talking inappropriately with someone on the internet you've never met and never will. If he's as naive as me, he may never think to ask.

You should,be,prepared to answer any question he has. Can you do that?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand why you are having second thoughts. This shit is TERRIFYING.

The only thing I will say to you is that in hindsight I wish so much that I had confessed to having a ONS with my husbands BF as soon as it happened. He had the right to know who the fucked up/boundary less woman was that he eventually married and had children with. And our marriage wouldn't have started with this huge ugly secret standing between us.

Then I wish I had told him about the ONS with a co-worker (3 years later) as well as all the flirting that went with it months before. But because I got away with it once, I just tried to deal with this one on my own too.

And then (10 years later) I went on to have a full blown affair with another co-worker. I did in fact confess this one months after it was over but my H took the blame for this and I did NOTHING about why I continued to act out in this way.

And then I went on to kiss another co-worker, and a friend of my husbands, and other inappropriate behaviours here and there over the years.

I have done so much damage to myself, my husband and my kids, that I look back in sheer disbelief at my hideous selfish behaviour. It aint pretty.

So yeah. Wish I'd confessed to that first one. It may have been my last.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 256 | Registered: Feb 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confession for anything is scary. If it weren't , we'd just confess. There is a real fear of the outcome.

Story for you:

My H had an OEA, much like yourself. He didn't confess, she didn't confess. She had told OBS it was her 'gay' friend from a long time ago. He told me it was relatives he hadn't been in touch with in some time. He cut her off. She kept posting love songs, crying, begging him to talk to her. Nope, he was sick of her, and never thought much of it. To him, it was a time killer. i'm not a fool - I know he enjoyed all of it, but she's a moron (truthfully) and then started asking him to send money, Xboxes, etc. He wasn't up for anything remotely real, so he abruptly stopped the calls. Shortly after the texts became very sporadic - once every 3 to 4 weeks. Seemed like the perfect crime right? They did it, we foolishly believed, it was over. Perfect - or was it?

Like I said, i knew something was off. I just knew it. Never, ever, underestimate women's intuition. I kept trying, and trying, and finally got his phone. They hadn't spoken since the end of August. I got his phone the end of December. What did I find? His 'Trophies" specific texts, pictures, etc.

Please don't think that because you and your AP don't confess that there isn't a trail, somewhere. There is. Maybe they don't find it, maybe they do. I know she had told my H (when he'd been blowing her off for 2 months) to delete the pics, texts, etc. All of it. Did he? Nope. Why should he? She meant nothing.

But i found them. And it was bad - really bad. And please understand - it isn't just the betrayal, meaning the fact that you did this with another man. It was all the lies he told. They rolled through my head over and over, for weeks.

The brain has this strange protection mechanism. I would remember 3 or 4 things. I would cry, rage, fight, all of it. Once that reality set in, my brain would release a few more things, and it started again. This slow release went on for months. It just went on and on and on. Worse still, he tried to cover his ass and lie about just what happened. I knew he was lying - just knew it - so I brought his phone and the hard drive to a forensic expert and had it scrubbed. Guess what? I was right again! This was 9 months post DDay, and it started the clock again. Now I'd seen the things they said to each other, the things they said about me and OBS, things I honestly wish I hadn't seen - things I still have trouble with.

My point - just because you and OBS aren't planning on confessing does not, in any way, mean this won't come out. You cannot control what your BS does, and you absolutely cannot control what OBS does.

You can play Russian rouillette and hope it stays hidden, walking on eggshells, praying today isn't the day. You can have your heart skip a beat every time your H says "so, I heard something interesting today", and you can wonder just what is left on that computer, because believe me, delete away - it's still there. It will be there for a long, long time. And it's accessible. If he discovers even one thing, he'll look for more, and it's there.

You can do this, or you can confess. You can apologize on YOUR terms. You can do this, as scary as it is, and show him that you KNOW you were wrong, and that you are ashamed, and that you respect him and wanted him to learn this from you, not someone else.

I can tell you, as someone that was utterly crushed when I saw that first text, and the crushing continued for so long, knowing he was lying to save his ass, knowing I was once again being the fool but not accepting that, that had he told me, I would have at least known he actually wanted me, and wasn't staying because he was now obligated to because of the shitty things he did.

As a BS that discovered, I can say that confession would have been so much easier. It's not a picnic, but it does alleviate some of the doubts inherent with having to discover it on your own.

This is your life, and your call. You have to do what you feel is right. No one will fault you for that. I'm only giving you my personal experience, and how it's ended. Please, take from it what you will.

But remember, everyone that cheats believes they won't be caught. Every last person that cheats.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

I need to do this. And I needed that advice.

I feel like I'm on a diving board, wondering whether to jump and whether I'll survive the fall.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi macsecond

It's ok to feel like you are wavering. It's very natural and it helps you feel all your emotions before you do it. I felt that a lot before I confessed. I was on SI for a month before I did. But that's also because he was out of town and I didn't want to tell him over the phone.

My BH knew something was up too. It was very hard to concentrate and I wasn't acting like myself.

I don't have a lot of time to post... I just wanted to stop in and give you some support to help you. It's the hardest thing I ever did but the feeling you get when you are honest with your husband and yourself is amazing. It's painful and very humbling but it's not impossible. You can do this.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 846 | Registered: Jul 2012
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will update in a new thread

[This message edited by Macsecond at 12:07 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell....but I'd wait until after the holiday. Don't make today a trigger for him for the rest of his life. Just my opinion as a BS

Thank you, but we're Canadian, so it's just another Friday for us.

I told him tonight. Updated in a different thread.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 17

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