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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Date night
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I even have question or not. We are going out to dinner and a movie tonight. Sadly, I don't really look forward to these outings like I once did. Right after D-day and in the months that followed it I was very happy to be going out and looked forward to it because I was relieved she would go and was very happy for her grace. Don't get me wrong I am still glad she will go but now that time has passed I know exactly how it will go.

We go to dinner and make small talk. We go to the movies and she half watches the movie while texting her friend, talking to her as much as she does me. I get the felling she wishes she were somewhere else, with someone else. There is no anticipation of closeness, no hope for an intimate moment and the connection between us seems lost.

I don't blame her for this. It is more than understandable. I can't help but be saddened by it though. The memories of times past when we laughed and shared so many good times run through my head and penetrate me like a knife to the gut. It hurts to know I threw all that away. Like I said, I am thankful for her grace. At least she is willing to go. I take it as her way of not giving up. Even if she is less than thrilled to be there, at least she is there.

Should I be doing anything different in these situations? What can I do other than make the best of it? That's what I try to do. Stay positive and just be thankful for the time I have with her and hope it gets better.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of questions immediately run through my mind. Does she want to go? Who picks dinner? Who picks the movie? Is it always dinner and a movie? If so why? Have you thought about spontaneously changing plans. Maybe take her to a beach or park and have a prepare picnic instead?

Try going with no expectations neither good nor bad. Try asking her what she would like to do. Try something new. Go bowling or shoot some pool. And appreciate that she will even go. Tell her how much you appreciate it. Make it about her.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 747 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you talk to her about this?

I would say that if you approach it with humility, you should be able to express your sorrow and hope as well.

I actually did what your wife did for a while without really realizing it. I was very disconnected from Crazz's efforts, and he was discouraged.

Instead of getting mad at me or addressing it, he stopped trying and I freaked out. Through MC we were able to talk about it, and I let him know that if he could just talk to me about his feelings I would try and meet him.

He's actually pretty good about saying when he wants to spend time with me now. If I'm distracted or busy, I remember that even if I'm feeling distant, it's really important to try and connect. We have a standing date three nights a week to shut off all electronics and just do something together after DD is in bed. It dramatically improves morale.

Talk to her. Tell her that you want to do whatever it takes to re-establish some closeness. If you approach it with positivity, I'm hoping that she will meet you.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17909 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes when things were kind of like that for us the only time I could *connect* with knight was when we would talk about the A or his anger or pain. He has always been very reluctant to share his anger and pain with me but I would ask if he wanted to talk about it or I would ask what was going through his mind. I would assure him I could *handle* it without doing anything crazy or destructive (like seek validation from someone else ). Sometimes he would talk to me. Sometimes I would cry. But I always thanked him for being honest with me and sharing his feelings because I know it's really difficult to trust me enough to do that right now. We would usually end up cuddling...and sometimes more depending on how he was feeling.

Texting her friend sounds like a protective move to me. She doesn't feel safe with you right now so she has one foot in the date.

I was always relieved when knight would discuss the A or his feelings with me because even though it was painful for both of us at least we were connecting and building intimacy and trust.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about staying in for dinner and a movie tonight?

Make a meal together. Work side by side in the kitchen together...and make it fun. Compliment her, engage her in light fun conversation. Get comfortable with one another. Connect. Once that comfortable connection happens, then you can open up to deeper conversation.

As for a movie in...I'm sure you have plenty of options there.

Maybe date night being more relaxed and comfortable and intimate would help...


ETA: I LOVE when FWH plans a meal, gets everything together and cooks with me. He does his best to make it fun and we do work well together...when we work together...But I like the playful banter as we're doing something ordinary and mundane TOGETHER. And flirting is fun, too.

[This message edited by FindMyselfAgain at 12:33 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2012
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the ideas. The post wasn't necessarily geared so much towards the date night activity of choice but the fact that no matter the activity this is generally how she gets through it. I say gets through it because honestly that's what it feels like she is doing. Again, I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I am glad she doesn't just say no.

Jrazz, I must be like Crazz in some aspects because this isn't the first time I've read something you wrote about him and I thought to myself that is exactly what I do. I know I need to talk to her but I have kind of quite trying because she just clams up and refuses to. She talks to me about everything but this. So I've just been trying to send her reassuring texts and notes and just show her action, action and more action. I don't know if it's making any ground with her or not but I know it can't hurt. Besides, as I said in another thread, I know it's the right thing to do. Keep on keeping on because it's best for me and the marriage. I can't do things just to try and get a reaction from her. I have to do them because I want to and because it's the right thing to do.

Wish me luck tonight.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one thing I just noticed in your tagline.

you are coming up on your 1 year. This may have something to play into this.

Just a thought

Good luck tonight.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 747 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When Dday occurs we WSs expect seperation/divorce, we are amazed and grateful for the possibility of reconciliation.
We give no thought to a third outcome, it's not discussed much here on SI, but I think it's more common than we realise.

What is the third outcome? It is where your BS chooses neither divorce nor reconciliation, despite a remorseful WS's best efforts.

Your relationship is left in a limbo of your BS not wanting you, just wanting you around.

Your BS is quite content to look upon you as a good friend, room mate, co-habitant, not a spouse and as such there is no intimacy, emotional or physical.

There are any number of justifications. For the kids, finances, fear of making a new beginning, fear of being hurt again or it's the least painful path(for the BS).

The really sad part is, even though it feels like the slow death of your soul, you become accustomed to it. It ends up being the new 'normal'.

Good luck 1bigidiot79, I hope your BS hasn't chosen the third outcome and is still open to the possibility of reconciliation.

Just remember, keep working on you, for you.

If the outcome doesn't turn out the way you want, you can make a choice.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:23 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slowuptake, unfortunately I think you have hit the nail on the head. There is most definitely this third category and my BW has landed directly in the middle of it. I think the problem with it is it is so easy to go there but it is very hard to leave.

The date went fine. Good conversation, good dinner and the movie made us laugh. But as I predicted it felt more like a couple of friends out than a couple on a date. And so it goes. I know I've got to talk to her. It just didn't feel right last night. And my motivation to try to talk with her is very low because she basically refuses to engage in a conversation about it so I end up talking for a while and that's the end of it.

I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. I have let go of the outcome and decided to be healthy for me and I think I'm doing better at it. But it doesn't mean my heart still doesn't want her to respond. It's tough.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband did not willingly engage in meaningful conversation till after a year or so. He did alooooot of faking it. We went out, we did dates, we had "fun". But it was all surface-y. I cherish those memories. Because there are elements from each experience that I'll always remember.

I *thought* we were connecting. I *thought* we were having good conversations. But in hind sight, we were well into year 2 before it REALLY clicked.

We were in R. We were trying. But he had to work thru things in his mind, on his own. He was there in front of me, but his mind was a million miles away. Now? He is 100% present. He engages. He speaks. He thinks. He entangles himself with me when we are together.

Give her time Brother. It's "only" been almost a year. (Technically only 4 months, if you count the TT) That's a small portion of time if she's on the 5 year plan.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:54 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6329 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
AnnieOakley
♀ Member
Member # 13332
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When Dday occurs we WSs expect seperation/divorce, we are amazed and grateful for the possibility of reconciliation.
We give no thought to a third outcome, it's not discussed much here on SI, but I think it's more common than we realise.
What is the third outcome? It is where your BS chooses neither divorce nor reconciliation, despite a remorseful WS's best efforts.

Your relationship is left in a limbo of your BS not wanting you, just wanting you around.

Your BS is quite content to look upon you as a good friend, room mate, co-habitant, not a spouse and as such there is no intimacy, emotional or physical.

There are any number of justifications. For the kids, finances, fear of making a new beginning, fear of being hurt again or it's the least painful path(for the BS).

The really sad part is, even though it feels like the slow death of your soul, you become accustomed to it. It ends up being the new 'normal'.


Oh my Slow. This is exactly what I did. I've admitted and attempted to explain it to my STBX. After the final dday, he got it. Became the spouse I always thought he was. Very remorseful and tried for a long time--still trying in fact. But it was too late. I've filed for a second time.

1Big, good luck. I know how your wife feels. I wish I had sound advice.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:20 AM, July 4th (Friday)]


Me= BS, 45
Him=WH, 46
M=18+,T=21+
dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a recent work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: West
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1bigidiot79,

I feel for you. We have shared a lot of things in our paths, our ddays are a week and a half apart.

I can't give you anything but empathy and shared experience. Stay engaged with her and take care of yourself.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 253 | Registered: Aug 2013
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. It's encouraging to know people are rooting for you.

Aubrie, thanks for reminding me about the timeline. I need that perspective and honestly sometimes I completely forget it.

NoGoodUser, thanks for the kind words. I have been absent from here for awhile on purpose. I decided to take a break and concentrate on doing the things I have learned here and through IC and reading. I feel the same way you do. Like I said above it's encouraging to know you're not the only one in the boat sometimes. Hope your situation is improving as well.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS a year out and do the same things your BW does. I know we need to spend time together and I am thankful he keeps trying, but some days it is extremely hard. For example, my WH was a workaholic and he rarely ate dinner with the kids and me. Post A, he eats dinner with us almost every night. I get that he is making changes, I get that this is better for our kids, but after about 10 minutes of us sitting at dinner as a family, I have huge emotional surges. My brain bounces all sorts of extreme messages back-and-forth, such as (a) he ONLY made these changes after he had an affair or (b) why does he deserve sitting here NOW or (c) during his affair, he would be choose to chat with the COW instead of coming home or (d) for years, I ask him to come home early and spend more time with us and he told me no or (e) Etc etc.

The same is for any time we spend one-on-one, the same a,b,c,d and e messages are bouncing through my head. It is overwhelming at times and I can tell what kind of day I am having based on my need for using the phone or iPad for a distraction. The more I stare at a screen the harder of a day it is for me. I have been guilty of grabbing the iPad mid-way through dinner and looking at Facebook or email, because I need to have an immediate distraction or I will completely fall apart. As for movies, there are triggers you would never expect. We saw the second Hunger Games as one of our date nights and I triggered when Catniss had a panic attack. I froze and had to completely disconnect from the movie, so I get why your BS jumps on her phone. Just being with you is probably a trigger, so she is doing the best she can to cope and heal. And like knightsbff said, there is still a big gap in feeling like we are safe and that we can believe and trust your actions.

I wanted to say to keep showing her you are there, be gentle, and be patient. I think it was actually very thoughtful for you to post about this, it means you care. Just realize it can be a huge struggle for her to be in the same space as you, but she is doing it, she is trying to fight off all those messages, mind movies, and your past actions that are bombarding and haunting her. This may be the best she can do right now. Believe me, we want to be happy and how would I love to just laugh without a care in a world! But even at a year, some of us are still in survival mode.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 501 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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