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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to help with triggers
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I help with triggers? I truly don't know when she will have them or what to do when she does. Yesterday we went shopping. It was peaceful. We laughed. I wanted to get her a new ring set since this marriage is not relevant to her anymore. It is relevant to me, but that is not relevant. We looked at rings. She got distant and didn't seem interested. We went to look at bras and undies and such. I wanted to pick out cute ones for her. She looked at me, got pale, ran to the bathroom, and I waited like an idiot for 15 minutes for her to come back. She has barely spoken to me since. I know she was upset and have asked what happened. She doesn't want to talk about it. I have no idea what set her off. NONE! I won't do nice things for her now if she is going to freak out on me when I do. At first I thought she got sick. She's 17 weeks pregnant and occasionally still gets sick, but she had red eyes and had been crying. She won't tell me what caused it and it's making me feel like I can't do anything right.

On a side note, I am worried about her. She is upper 30's, pregnant, and still runs a lot. She thinks I hate her exercising because men may notice her, but she's a work-a-holic with it and it may put our baby in danger that she goes full steam ahead. I have told her to stop being so hardcore with it to no avail. She reminds me that she'll do what she wants. Gee thanks. She reminds me I can't tell her what to do with her body and she may not have me in the delivery room. By law here, she can do that. I am worried something will happen because she doesn't slow down. It's a helpless feeling. Any ideas how to encourage her to take it easy.

[This message edited by lovemywife4ever at 7:40 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly don't know when she will have them

you may need to look from another perspective. The best advice I got in the beginning was to BE ATTENTIVE you have to pay extra close attention to your BS to find what triggers her. Because sometimes they will not tell you. but being attentive you can pick up on it anyway.

I wanted to get her a new ring set since this marriage is not relevant to her anymore.

reminder the marriage is dead = trigger
and she may feel like she is being pressured to get over it

We went to look at bras and undies and such.

reminder of sex = trigger of infidelity

I won't do nice things for her now if she is going to freak out on me when I do.

sounds like punishment for her rejecting your good intentions.

Maybe consider your idea of nice things may not quite be what she needs. You could try to mention "I was thinking about about getting you some new bras and panties, since you haven't gotten any in a while. What do you think?" or "I know that in the future I would like to get a new wedding set, would you like to go and look at some? I would completely understand if you do not want to." Or here is a better one "I would like to do something nice for you. What would you like to do?" See the first 2 are things that you decided that you wanted. And the last is finding out what she wants to do. My recommendation go with the last option there. Make it about her, not what you pre-determinied that you wanted to do for her.

Also remember, she is pregnant. So on top of a nuke in the marriage, she has hormones running wild.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to get her a new ring set since this marriage is not relevant to her anymore. It is relevant to me, but that is not relevant.

I wanted. Me, me, me. This whole statement smacks of resentment. You want her to be over this by now so YOU want her to have new rings. You don't actually care what SHE wants.

I wanted to pick out cute ones for her.

I wanted. Me, me, me. Because you don't fancy her in the underwear she currently has? Seriously think about how this must look to her. She can't help but wonder if you're dressing her up in something similar to OW.

I have no idea what set her off. NONE!

Yes you do. Pull your head out the sand and face what you've done.

I won't do nice things for her now if she is going to freak out on me when I do.

Dude, you cannot be serious?

She won't tell me what caused it

Because you don't actually care about her feelings so she doesn't trust you enough to tell you.

and it's making me feel like I can't do anything right.

Me, me, me. Stop thinking about yourself and focus on your wife.


She reminds me that she'll do what she wants. Gee thanks.

Resentment again. You know exercising while pregnant is actually recommended, right? She's looking after herself and keeping herself healthy. I'm sure she's not putting her or the baby at risk. She knows her limits.

She reminds me I can't tell her what to do with her body and she may not have me in the delivery room.

She's right, you can't tell her what to do. Have you earned your place in the delivery room? She will be very vulnerable, in pain and exposed while in labour. Think very long and hard about why she might not want you there. It being your child does not give you the right to support your BW through child birth.

It's a helpless feeling. Any ideas how to encourage her to take it easy

Stop trying to control her. Pull your finger out and actually support her. Fix your shit.

I know my words seem harsh but I mean well, I am trying to help. I can tell you want your M to work and your heart is in the right place.

My H doesn't like discussing triggers, but I know what they are and I can tell instantly when they happen. I usually squeeze his hand and say something like "I can see you are hurting right now, is there anything I can do?" He usually says no, so I apologise for causing him so much pain and reassure him that I'm here for him.

Most often, there's not a lot you can do during the actual trigger. Just support them and be there for them, even if it's just to hold their hand. It won't make things better but when the trigger is over and the pain has subsided, they will remember your support.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:56 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here no stop sign so I hope that's ok

How can I help with triggers?
Talk to her about it at a time when she's not triggering and make a plan together on how you can help when she does. Put some scenarios out there or ask her if she would like to.

I've told my WH if I go into a different room & shut the door I need space stay out. When I come out my WH will ask "are you ready to talk about it yet?" Which opens the conversation or gives me the chance to say no. Then he just quietly listens or respects the fact that I need more time, sometimes several days. If I leave the door open it means give me a few minutes then come to me and hold me.

We went to look at bras and undies and such. I wanted to pick out cute ones for her. She looked at me, got pale, ran to the bathroom,

I can't speak for her, but my mind would spiral out of control with questions. Did OW wear ones like that? Aren't mine good enough for you? Did WH pick out things for OW? Do I want to wear anything pretty for WH to see? etc..... and being pregnant she may also be asking herself how much longer will they fit.

it may put our baby in danger that she goes full steam ahead. I have told her to stop being so hardcore with it to no avail
When I was pregnant my doctor said I could do everything I did before I got pregnant, even skating and walking on the job 40+ hours a week, but I was younger without any complications. Instead of asking her to stop, could you have a conversation about what the doctor thinks is safe for her & the baby?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We looked at rings. She got distant and didn't seem interested. We went to look at bras and undies and such. I wanted to pick out cute ones for her. She looked at me, got pale, ran to the bathroom, and I waited like an idiot for 15 minutes for her to come back. She has barely spoken to me since. I know she was upset and have asked what happened. She doesn't want to talk about it. I have no idea what set her off. NONE!

Looking at replacements for your wedding rings, and you don't know why she got distant? Of course that reminds her of WHY you want new rings.

Looking at underwear, and you don't know why she got upset? Think she may be picturing you and your AP? Or just anything sexual may hit her wrong?

You have to let her get to that kind of stuff in her own time.

I have told her to stop being so hardcore with it to no avail.

In my experience, the people who try hardest to keep working out during pregnancy are the ones who are most resistant to their H wanting them to stop. Let her and her doctor cover that.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Selfish and entitled much?

1. Ring sets? Really? Did she want to? Or was that your idea?

2. Undies. Did you buy those for OW? Did OW send you pics of her in them? Regardless, undies is a reminder of sex, which reminds her of OW, which reminds her that OMG YOU CHEATED, which reminds her that her life is a fraud. See how that works?

So now you throw your fit and stomp your foot because you "tried" to be nice to her and she embarrassed you on public,and you did "nothing" wrong, and she's cold and distant.

Dude. You have no idea whet you have done to her. Otherwise you wouldn't be so rude right now. The reason she ran crying is because YOU decided to open the marriage up and f*ck another woman. YOU did that. Not her. She had no choice in the matter. You dropped a bomb on her life and now you're pissed because she's a mangled up mess and breathing toxic fumes. Dude, she is dying here and all your worried about is her treatment of you. Man up. Seriously. You made this mess, now buckle up and face it.

Yes. This is a bit harsh. But you need to get a clue Brother. R is a 2-5 YEAR thing. It's actually closer to 5 years if most people are completely honest. And you know what? That is is there are NO NEW HURTS. For every bonehead move a WS makes, the healing track extends. For every lie, for every TT, for every stupid thing we do, it takes longer to heal from. Can you handle that? Really? Because if you are irritated that she triggered in public over something completely understandable like rings and lingerie, you're going to have a reeeeally tough row to hoe. If you cant find some patience and compassion, she will find her courage and dump you.

Don't add insult to her injury. Be kind.

What are you doing to fix you? Are you in IC?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
PenitentMan
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're fortunate to have both BBT and Dr. J weighing in - and others who posted while I was posting. Ack! :) - I doubt I will add much that they haven't already said.

But, wow. This so reminds me of me. I wanted to fix my marriage. I wanted to do whatever it took to make things better. I wanted to help her.

"I wanted." The cry of the Selfish. Welcome to my world. :)

It takes a lot to put yourself in someone elses shoes when you're in the fog of your own self-pity. As you "waited like an idiot" you were more concerned with how *you* looked and wondering what *you* did.

"Successful rebuilders assume their spouses are ceaselessly tormented by the hurts, memories.."
(How to help your spouse heal from your affair, chapter 9)

What really hit home for me was the realization of what my BW's biggest trigger of all is:

It's me.

The biggest reminder of all that devastation and hurt, standing right there next to her, wanting to make it all better with rings and sexy things.

Or sitting across from her at a fancy french restaurant, as in my case.
(Like I said, welcome to my world: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=534854&HL=43174)

Embrace the unexpected, assume everything is going to go wrong :). Don't give up, don't get defensive. Apologize and mean it. And be humble, above all else.

Also realize that she's an adult. You think she's not aware of her own baby? Mother's are far more protective and instinctive than you realize. I know you care and you want what's best for the baby, but your overprotectiveness could make her feel smothered. So, let it go. Trust her like you want her to trust you. Let her know you're there for her but otherwise back off.

I know it's hard.

I would like to recommend a book to you; I'm halfway through it myself, but so far it's great and it's already helped me talk to my BW and my son. It's called "Just Listen":

http://www.amazon.com/Just-Listen-Discover-Getting-Absolutely/dp/0814414036

One of the topics discussed is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, by making them "feel felt". Have a look.

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 10:05 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 478 | Registered: Apr 2014
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - I may be the dumbest guy in the world, but you took a pregnant woman to the equivalent of Victoria's Secret, knowing that in a few months she won't be able to wear it? So she might have been thinking that your OW wore stuff like that, and in two months she won't be able to.

Maybe the women here will have a different take - but I wouldn't have gone near that store.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What really hit home for me was the realization of what my BW's biggest trigger of all is:

It's me.


That is really spot on insight.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4092 | Registered: Dec 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you're correct redsox.

Not only is lingerie a possible trigger if he bought it for OW or if she sent him images or whatever, but contrary to popular belief, not all pregnant women feel like a sexy goddess of life. I felt like a beached whale and actually had a "friend" threaten to call Green Peace. Yeah. Thanks. As if I didn't feel bad enough already.

So you have a BW having normal triggers. And to complicate it, she is pregnant. And probably doesn't feel very sexy. She probably feels gross and fat and unattractive. And lingerie is another reminder that her body is not what it used to be and its not going to be for a long time. And she is punished because her husband is angry for her crying. I wish I could hug her. She needs one.

PS to the OP, why is running bad for her? She is 17 weeks? Why is running such a drama? If she was a runner from the get-go, I see no issue. Even if she wasn't, I still don't. Exercise is good. It's healthy. Even when we're big, fat, and pregnant. If she feels ok enough to run, more power to her. I struggled to move from my bed to the couch.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:26 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - this made me laugh:
I felt like a beached whale and actually had a "friend" threaten to call Green Peace

Though I am sure it wasn't funny at the time.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 10:36 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovemywife, you have regret not remorse. As people have pointed out repeatedly on this thread you are still squarely focused on yourself.

This (from the healing library) explains remorse vs regret. I hope it helps you understand what remorse is and how to find it within yourself.

When confronted by my BS on dday, I immediately felt regret. Regret for having been careless enough to get caught. Regret for the pain my BS was in, regret for the shame I felt. It was as if I was disconnected from my real feelings and was only able to feel things only in relation to how it affected me. Regret is being sorry for something you've done, but not necessarily taking action to make amends. One can feel sorry that their BS is hurting without doing a single thing to comfort them or help them recover. Regret is a feeling that is momentary and can be easily suppressed, especially if you are someone who compartmentalizes. Regret is passive.

Remorse, on the other hand, is active. Remorse comes when you, as the betrayer, feel compassion for your BS. It is when you are willing to do whatever it takes to help your partner heal. Remorse is selfless. Remorse asks, 'what more can I do to help you?' Your BS needs to see that you understand their pain. When you feel remorse, you realize that you'd do anything- literally anything- to take away your loved one's pain. In other words- you "get it." Remorse allows you to take responsibility for your bad choices and is necessary for recovery and reconciliation. Don't be passive in your healing. Regret is not enough. Take ACTION!


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok wow, A lingerie shop, Sorry she pregnant and not feeling sexy and the fact guaranteed you bought pretties or the OW bought pretties for your pleasure.
She probably thought oh my god he's thinking of the OM and look at me, and now he wants me to wear the same stuff.

Do you get that! Reverse it. think real hard and if you think it would be no big deal you better look deeper cause you are lying to yourself.

Rings yes I can see why you might think it being a good idea, "a new start" it should be a discussion at home in private not out on a day shopping.

It really should be her decision. AS for the baby and excercising. It is very healthy, and since she is under doctors care she will be fine. How about making sure when she is done have a nice cooling of shower, rub her feet, make sure she has water and a banana to keep her potassium levels stable. and that she is eating properly.

The womans body is made for carrying a child. Do stuff for her. And when she turns pale even if you do not understand why she is triggering realize it is because of you and you should not get defensive you should not say fine I won't do nice things for anymore if you act like that.


She is doing the nicest thing possible a betrayed spouse can do, y

You are still in her presence. Remember that every time time you get yourself all self righteous.

Sorry, if this seems harsh it is a 2x4 cause you do need to be woken up it sounds like. And I am speaking from being a mother too. I can't imagine what it would be like betrayed and pregnant just abig

OMG, make this stop. Would be the only thing going through my head.

My girlfriend was pregnant when her mother died and I helped her through that, and the struggle to stay healthy and grieve at the same time.

Its HArd.

Think before you react negatively.

You have been given some great advice and thoughts. If you want to be there. Get rid of the I and learn the her is more important.

Good luck


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to you all for the advice and support. After reading your responses I clearly needed the 2x4s. I took advice from you and went to her and asked her how I could help her, anything I could do. Even if it doesn't sound like it, I really do hate that I did this to her. I hate that my fears about dealing with life and everything made me feel like it was an option. I know to redirect my coping and am working on that. I really do want to be what she needs and deserves and better for myself too.

When I asked her what she needed and what I could do to help her, she told me she wants the rings but only after we pull into a place she feels safe. I can live with that. It does make sense and I will work for it and wait and do what we need. The bra and undies set her off because of her condition right now. I NEVER DID THE BRA AND UNDIES THING WITH THE ONS - it was a ONS and I got scared and hated myself immediately and no pics of anything like that or anything bought happened. She knows this. She said she feels big and not attractive. What she didn't realize is that I love her pregnant. She is stunning both preggo and not. The difference is our baby growing in there. I love that she is changing and our kiddo is in there. I worry about the effects of this on her and he or she. Thanks again guys and ladies. I needed that.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 14

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