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User Topic: t/j ish...Aubrie's post...I think?
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling Aubrie's post. Maybe not jealous, but pissed off and unsettled. I used to do I pretty good job of hiding my brokenness. I've been told I seemed confident, intimidating, even "together". I was working hard to hold that mask together. It all fell apart after d-day. Priorities shifted. My energies had to go toward real work instead of acting.

I'm feeling very small and scared inside lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the coaster with knight and the car splits in half and we both go careening off on our own ups and downs for a while. I feel like I can't catch my breath.

I've been cursing my brokenness lately. Pissed off that I didn't see it. Didn't fix it. Didn't white knuckle it longer and avoid making the destructive choices I made that hurt so many others. I'm still a freakin mess. I used to hide it better, now I display it for everyone to see. How is that better? I guess it's "authentic". If I make it obvious what a train wreck I am i help others choose to stand clear and avoid being collateral damage?

Where is my mindfulness now? I want to scream and curse and cry. But I still push those feelings away and let them float past. If I'm very still and quiet they won't find me and I can go back to the numb day to day existence that's safer, or at least more comfortable.

I look at knight's pain and it hurts. And I think about the other BS... She was just trying to live her life. She had pain and problems, I know it. She had her own issues that I'm sure she was trying to live with, just like we all do. Whatever they were. Whatever insecurities she had or childhood pains, if she's anything like knight they are right up in her face now. I hurt her. She feels bad about herself now because I made selfish, hurtful choices.

I feel like I'm going backwards. Pity party. Self loathing. I should be past it all. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of me. Just stop the f'ing ride and let me off.

And guess what y'all....I don't even drink. This is me. Sober. I should start drinking.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should start drinking.

Nah, too many calories.

I'm sorry that you're hurting over this. You should be proud of yourself that you are able to accept responsibility for what has happened. That shows growth. That shows compassion. Progress.

I know that the darkness can sneak back up and overwhelm us, but you need to keep reminding yourself that you are not that person anymore. You are knightsbff 2.0, and that lady loves and respects her husband as well as others.

It's ok to think on the past - just don't live there.

Sending you big hugs.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's amazing that you are starting to be your more authentic self. And being able to look back at yourself in the past and see your own choices and feel disgust is a big deal. Someone who hasn't made strides would be seeing their actions differently, They would be focusing in the idea that there were mitigating circumstances, some situation that really was unfair to them that pushed them into making the choices they made, still, in essence, making excuses. I don't hear you doing that. Just the fact that your past thought patterns seem so foreign to you is a sign of great progress. Just need to make sure you dont get back to that place and that takes consistent mindfulness and purposefull living. Can't be goin' with the flow any more. This new life you're working for is far to important for that.
((Knightsbff))


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling very small and scared inside lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the coaster with knight and the car splits in half and we both go careening off on our own ups and downs for a while. I feel like I can't catch my breath.

Coasters can seem so out of control, but IRL we've found ways to tame them through harness systems and sensors and redundant systems. What skills, technique, and mechanisms do you have in place with knight to keep you together and safe as you navigate the coasters in life?

Everyone tends to look over their brokenness, even as a BS I looked over my brokenness for a long time. Falling into the trap of focusing on my WS's. It is common to do, but when we acknowledge our brokenness then we are at a point to do something about it.

I used to hide it better, now I display it for everyone to see. How is that better?

Hiding ourselves creates an imaginary person to the outside world. We know that we are hiding stuff, we then wonder "would they really like us if . . . ." The perpetual game of pretending to be someone that we think people would like leads us away from ourselves and ingrains that embarrassment or shame that we hide even more. It is emotionally exhausting.

I want you to look at the g2gs you've been too including the minione in Nawlins'. These people knew of your affair. How did they treat you? You were vulnerable and honest and we could see the pain that plagues you. Be authentic and be authenic now and forever. Be you. If there is something that bugs you then do the work to change it, don't hide it. You don't want to spend years worrying about someone finding your box of hidden secrets.

Unfortunately the mind eraser from Men In Black doesn't exist what the events of our lives and choices we've made both good and bad do stick with us. There really is never a time that we get past it and there is no way to get off. Take the time to do the work that allows you to

1) repair the situation as best as possible (you can't undo it so it won't go back exactly the way it was and it will also take the work of others to get it close. Sometimes you can only take it so far and have to wait on someone else to want to move it beyond)
2) stop others if given the chance to not make the same decisions that you now regret.
3) do the work to make yourself stronger and better

I know that this is tough and hard and I hear your cry to make this go away, but even in jest the idea of drinking is just another temporary escape for the things that you need to address. Work with knight. Work with a counselor. Work through books. Keep posting and we will keep cheering you on.

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52535 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spending your time being angry at the brokeness that is you is only going to waste time. What are you doing to fix it? Are you in IC? Are you identifying what is broken and working to fix it? I get being angry, I went through a period like that, mostly I grieved the person I could have been had my mother and father not been who they were. Then I realized I was just wasting time.

You have a whole future ahead of you, what is in the past is in the past and you can't fix that. But you can change your future. You can affect what is left of your children's lives and yours and your H's. So what do you want to do with that?

Hugs. I know this sounds like a big ol 2x4, but I want you to know that you got this. Cause you really do.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5044 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should start drinking.
Please don't. You already trip walking down sidewalks completely sober. Also, who would navigate city traffic?

(((((Knightsbff))))))

Wish ^^^^ was real. Cause you need one.

Be angry. Stomp your foot. Scream. Yell. Cry. Purge it out. Then pick yourself up, and look in the mirror, and ask yourself what you want to be, why you want to be it, and then do it. For yourself. For Knight. For the three children you love so dearly.

Everyone always tells me that anger is a surface emotion. It covers something else. Fear. Shame. Whatever. Anger gives us temporary power, but in the long run, it only masks the real issues. Don't use this tool to hide further.

You have a good heart Girlfriend. You do. I know it's in there. Underneath the anger. Under the fear. Underneath the nervous chatters. Underneath the questions. Peel it all back. Let the real you shine. It's painful. It's so scary. But you can do it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs KnightsBFF!! Wish mine was real too. You need to cut yourself some slack and think about your progress. You are doing great. knight is still there and working on R with you.

Some great advice given to you... And I chuckled at jrazzs comment about drinking having too many calories. Cuz it sure does!!! It would probably take 800 calories to get a real good buzz.. Then what? Nothing would be better and everything would still be the same but with a higher caloric intake hahaha

Keep plugging along and working on yourself. Enjoy your July 4th weekend! I already enjoyed my Canada day


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I'm feeling a lot better this morning. I think I'm starting to *see* it. You guys are soo incredibly smart. You somehow helped me to cry it out this morning I have no idea why but reading your replies allowed me to finally let it loose. I think I was afraid and unsure what I was so upset about and y'all helped me feel it.

Jrazz, you're right (of course) I can feel this examine it and remember that I have learned from my bad choices. I know better, I *am* better, and I will continue to do better.

Fixyou71, thank you...it is foreign to me, but it was definitely me. No going with the flow. I'm thinking this out.

Moo, you so awesomely fun and playful at g2gs sometimes I forget how very perceptive you are.

Hiding ourselves creates an imaginary person to the outside world. We know that we are hiding stuff, we then wonder "would they really like us if . . . ." The perpetual game of pretending to be someone that we think people would like leads us away from ourselves and ingrains that embarrassment or shame that we hide even more. It is emotionally exhausting.
Yes!
I want you to look at the g2gs you've been too including the minione in Nawlins'. These people knew of your affair. How did they treat you? You were vulnerable and honest and we could see the pain that plagues you. Be authentic and be authenic now and forever. Be you. If there is something that bugs you then do the work to change it, don't hide it. You don't want to spend years worrying about someone finding your box of hidden secrets.
Oh my gosh, yes!!!! You have me boo hooing because you are so right. I know I didn't give the image of a confident, put together woman at the g2g. I was nervous, I babbled, I stuck my foot in my mouth, I over shared... I'm a work in progress. I will learn and be better and do better. BUT, you guys were sooo good to me. I felt genuinely cared for by the good people there. I know I wasn't perfect. I wasn't even 100% me because I let the nerves take over and I hid behind the silly, childish! dizzy persona (except the fall, that was all me ). BUT, when I stopped and really communicated with someone I KNOW I was 100 % authentic me. I didn't have to think about what image I wanted to portray. I could just say what I thought and felt. That's good right? I WAS nervous. I did babble and act out a little. BUT again. I wasn't putting up a front. I just wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I have room to grow and I can do it. It will be ok. And you know what? Sometimes the real me is really silly...and I'm ok with that. I just need to work on my filter and social skills are something that can be learned. I will be ok.

TG, I'm reading books, journaling, reflecting....I need to get back into IC. I'm taking a break, but I WILL be going back. It didn't feel like a 2x4. It feels like a caring person giving caring guidance. Thank you.

Aubrie,

Then pick yourself up, and look in the mirror, and ask yourself what you want to be, why you want to be it, and then do it.
I'm on it. Writing it out. Looking back at things. Trying to figure it out. What this boils down to is my behavior at the g2g, (I will be asking for help to figure this out. Sorry all, but I really need the help and feed back. I think I may post in general so I can get feed back from anyone willing.) and my reaction to a BS reply to Aubrie's post "confident women".

I thought (again) about the OBS and how my actions affected her. She is beautiful in my opinion, both inside and out. I didn't know her well. We weren't friends, we were acquaintances. She never liked me from the beginning. I'm sure she saw something I didn't because at the beginning I never in a million years would have believed I would betray her and my husband. Anyway, I wonder at the damage my actions did to her. Does she feel ugly, or less than? She lost a ton of weight after her d-day. She really didn't need to either. She wasn't over weight before. She had a tiny waist and real woman hips and bottom. I thought she looked good but I know she was self conscious about it.

T/J (BS's please tell me if this part is ill advised and too triggery but it's driving me crazy, I will remove it if advised to):

I'm not sure if she reads SI or not but I know her husband was honest with her in the end about the A so I assume he told her what he said to me about her. There was very little negative in it truly. It was weird. I think he was honest about her. He complained about the usual things a man justifying his A to himself and his AP complain about, infrequent sex and not feeling wanted. But...he told me he loved her, she was smart, he loved her body, he thought she was beautiful, he wanted sex and intimacy with her, he thought she was special, he didn't want to lose her...his words and his actions didn't match. We were both lying to ourselves and each other to be able to do what we were doing. But he always told me she came first. I understand how triggery this could be for a BS but if she's reading I want her to know that what we did was so insanely jacked up but he still in some part of him kept respect and love alive for her. It should piss you off that he still had an A in spite of all that. I get it, but he made me know you were important and special and beautiful to him. I want you to know I'm truly deeply sorry for what I did to you. I was a traitor to you and my gender. I selfishly and thoughtlessly hurt you and your children, your marriage and even your husband. I had no right. It was absolutely the worst thing I ever could have done. I am working very hard to ensure I NEVER hurt another woman or family in this way or similar way ever again.
//End t/j//

I meet strong, smart BWs at G2Gs and I can't help but think of the woman I hurt. The BWs I have met are beautiful inside and out, and I mean seriously beautiful. A light shines from within many of them. They know who they are. They are dealing with insane situations and they are able to smile and even laugh. Strength, wisdom, humor, even empathy for me as a wayward and MY pain. It mind boggling. And this goes for the BHs too. I see the BWs and I think of the woman I betrayed, not constantly but in the back of my mind. She was graceful and wise when she spoke to me. She even told me to fix myself and I think she meant it sincerely for the good of my family. When I see the BHs I watch for what knight might also be struggling with and I also see hope for the future. And as I type this I can see hope for the woman I betrayed. The BSs I met are not broken any more. They are healing or healed. They are strong. I heard words of empathy from some of them for the AP in their sitch (tesla is able to joke about SW but she feels pity, not hate) The most encouraging thing is none of them spend much time or energy on the AP. They are moving on with their awesome lives leaving the broken to sort themselves out or not as they will. I'm seeing that today and it helps me.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Don't drink when you're sad, but if you aren't....


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,
Everyone always tells me that anger is a surface emotion. It covers something else. Fear. Shame.
You nailed it. Shame. Shame for my nervous chatter and blurting and silliness. Shame for getting knight and myself into this mess. And fear of not sorting myself out. Not seeing enough. Not doing enough. Not progressing enough. I showed myself I have sooooo much more work to do. ADHD impulse control issues (blurting, over sharing) I'm under medicated because I feel safer that way. Lots to think about and consider.

She-Ra,
Yes, cut myself some slack. Gentle. Evaluate and work on. Lots of good advise and lots of good hugs.

I can grow from this y'all. I'm gonna be fine. Better even.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm under medicated because I feel safer that way.

Oh my gosh this totally hit home for me. Def something to discuss with my IC. When I get one. I may be under-counseled for the same reason...

(((kbff)))

Cut yourself some slack for how you are coping right now. You are clearly trying to be completely genuine wherever you go, and that is worth its weight in gold.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I showed myself I have sooooo much more work to do.
That is both a humiliating, and enlightening moment. You experienced something, you see it in a new light. Your first impulse is to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment. But the second is an empowering, "Oh. That's what that is." And then you fix it.

You know what? It's ok. We trip and fall. I don't think there is a single person here who would judge a person who is trying to do better. We won't get it perfect right off the bat. We have a lifetime of learned behaviors to unlearn. And you know what? If they do judge us? So what. They don't matter. (Yes. I do see the irony that I was being reminded of all this just yesterday.)

All that matters is you and Knight. And every day he stays, is another day for you to fight. Wipe your eyes. Blow your nose. And fight Girl.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((knightsbff))

As a BW: What you wrote was A.Maz.Ing! The sincerity is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us.

As a fellow woman working on fixing her own brokenness: You're doing fine. Hold your head up. Look at the amazing woman you are today. And be proud of yourself for continuing to make the choices that are leading you to loving who you are becoming.

Working on yourself, whichever side of the situation you're on, is hard. And it's okay to stumble. It's normal. You're still okay. And you're picking yourself up and brushing yourself off. I applaud you.

And wish you strength as you continue your journey.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 202 | Registered: Sep 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knightsbff - for what it's worth, as a BS, I've always read your posts and thought you really are doing an amazing job. Remember, this is with you pouring your guts out here, so I can't base it on any 'front' that you may or may not use.

We all have regrets, days when they get to us, days when things seem bleak. Things will seem brighter soon. They always do.

We can't change the past, but if we want to, we can change who we are in the future. You've been doing that, and you've been doing a great job. You should be proud of that. So many people screw up in some way, shrug, and just walk away. It's a guarantee - they'll screw up again. Maybe not in the same way, but those thought patterns that allowed the first screw up are still there. You're not in that group, and it takes a very strong person to not be in that group.

Be proud - regardless of your past - for being the strong woman that faces herself, picks the pieces she sees as needing work, and gets to work. You're in a fairly small group - don't take that for granted when thinking about who you are.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
plainsong
♀ Member
Member # 37826
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear your concern about being impulsive and oversharing. I, on the other hand, felt non-ok about being too reserved and not sharing enough. I would guess for both of us part is just our normal, perfectly fine temperaments, and part is how we used those qualities to hide from ourselves and hide ourselves from others. You still look like a confident woman to me. It takes confidence to share about your faults without melting into a pool of guilt. And I've been told I often look confident to others. My husband and I each thought the other was confident when we met and married. And I think we each were in part, but not all the way. Now we know, and we can support and help each other.

I'm glad you were able to cry. My IC says that it is ok to cry even when you don't know what it is about, or even when it is about something selfish and self-pitying. Crying moves things through, and you end up in a different place. And we are all entitled to comfort when we feel pain. For me, feeling compassion for my own pain brings me to a place where I have the inner resources to feel compassion for my BS. I think for some it is the other way around - feeling compassion for the BS eventually brings them to the place where they can feel compassion for themselves. That is why it is so helpful to have an IC. They can track your process and guide you to your own next step, not what some formula says. I hope you find a good IC soon, and that you will keep looking until you find one that fits for you.

All my best to you and knight as you continue your process. (PS, I have followed your posts since I joined and have always found them helpful.)


Me,WW,69;
Him,BH,70 - Happy Birthday!
Dday,12/22/2010
I use capital letters for emphasis, not yelling!

Posts: 72 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 15

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