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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confident Women
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be honest. I'm jealous.

To never doubt who and what you are. To not grow up feeling worthless. To not feel you have to exchange your body for affection. To not feel completely unloveable and degraded.

Do not downplay the gift you have. Do not ever take for granted the feelings of strength and power. Some women don't have it. Some women don't grow up with that.

The "ask the women/men" threads have been eye opening, triggery, and emotional. I see so many strong, confident women. And it pains my heart. Because it took *this* for me to even attempt to start getting there.

TBH, I feel like a little tiny tree. One that was knocked over and injured in a storm. I was braced up and started growing straight, but my trunk has a twist in it that will never go away. It will always be there.

Our scars, both physical and emotional, tell our life's story. Today those scars hurt badly. Yes, I can use them to raise and train my children. To show them a better way. But when I look in the mirror, those scars are still there. Today they're ugly and painful.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But when I look in the mirror, those scars are still there. Today they're ugly and painful.

Wabi-Sabi

The whole idea of it has helped me a lot with the scars. I think it can apply to people as well as things.

Dunno, it just helped me. 20wrongs introduced the idea here some months ago and since then I have viewed the emotional scar thing much differently.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,

If my journey can help even one person change the course of theirs then it is worth it. I think you know that this will happen. The knowledge that we have gained through this journey will be invaluable. Sure, would it have been awesome to have just had the easy life and had this knowledge because we had such an awesome life growing up? Yes. But that wasn't the cards we were dealt. I am not angry over my hand, I will use it to help others not walk my path if possible. Your scars aren't ugly, they are proof that you survived and are thriving. And so can others.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5044 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TBH, I feel like a little tiny tree. One that was knocked over and injured in a storm. I was braced up and started growing straight, but my trunk has a twist in it that will never go away. It will always be there.

But those trees, the ones with the twists, the missing branches, the holes and the scars making patterns on the bark are the most beautiful ones. They have history and they are beautiful because of it.

Don't get me wrong, I am one of those women. I will never be 100% self assured and I am envious of those that are. But I know that my strength has been tested many times and each time I have made it through. Sure, I have scars, but I made it. And that's what counts.

You are beautiful, Aubrie. Inside and out.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:31 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you and can relate to much of what you said.

Last night was a bad one and those scars are reflecting all bright and shiny today in my world also

Big hugs to you (((Aubrie)))


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my journey can help even one person change the course of theirs then it is worth it.
I hear you. I would go thru hell and back 10x over if it means my children have a better shot at a healthy life.

I spent my morning talking to my bestie. Explaining how life knocks us down, but we get up, and we use our own painful experiences to help others.

Dunno. Just hit me hard all the sudden this afternoon.

I'm a twisted tree. And I understand they have their own beauty. Most days I can see it. Just having an off moment.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but my trunk has a twist in it that will never go away. It will always be there.
And it makes the tree unique and beautiful.

(((Aubrie)))


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5968 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is ok to have those. We don't always have to see the beauty in our journey. We just have to stay the course. Hugs. Here is to hoping tomorrow is better.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5044 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
What?  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I "was" one of those women. Confident, self assured, I "knew" I was fabulous, amazing strong!.

The I found the IM between WH and OW.

I am now unsure of EVERYTHING! My confidence, my self worth, my amazingness is gone.

I now doubt the last 30 years of my life. My choices, my thoughts, my life.

My scars may not run deep, but they are there. And I see everyone of them.


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
TT until 9/02/13
NC broken 4/15/14
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. we


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I can't speak for everyone, but most of us women (and a lot of men too) are not that confident, even those that appear to be. Over the years, I've learned to fake it - to move ahead in a career, lead others, in relationships, and whereever else I need to project strength. But, there are many days when I doubt my intelligence, look in the mirror and hate what I see and question my decisions and choices.

We all carry baggage that eats at our self-esteem. I think the key is to use that baggage to learn and grow stronger because of it, not despite it.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3kids30, I'm so sorry about your experience. Please understand that I'm not belittling, making light of, or pretending a BS doesn't have scars.

I have been watching a few threads this week and a lot of the questions the gentlemen here asked the women just took my breath away. The replies were women who knew at their core who they were and where they stand. That is something I have never experienced till recently. And even then, there's shaky days.

I try not to compare pain. We each have our own. It hurts to have never known confidence. Yet I'm sure it hurts just as badly, if not more, to have had confidence, and have it taken away. I'm sorry for your hurt.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie
Your words & analogy to the tree touched me. I am the same & in that state of mind you feel like you must be the only one like this. You made me realize there are a lot of women who don't have that confidence. My scars are both internal and external. My external scars from birth defects & abuse make me not even able to wear certain clothing for fear of them being visible. So sometimes like you I have a hard time getting through my head that I have value. I hope things change for both of us.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 335 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're struggling with this today, hon. You deserve to feel confident. You are beautiful, intelligent, and you are interested in growing and learning in this world.

Honestly, I think that confidence looks a heck of a lot different from the outside than the inside. I didn't grow up with confidence at all. I was chubby and smart, and nobody really liked that. My family didn't cut me down, but they didn't know how to build me up either. I remember somewhere in high school the most empowering, accidental thing happened - I stopped caring what people thought about me. (For the most part - I still worry about how people close to me FEEL about me - whole other issue.)

The more we can measure ourselves from within rather than by what others report to us, the more that confidence tree grows. You have all the makings, I promise. I could feel it.

Oh, and DD said something to me the other day that this conversation reminds me of....


Me: "DD, you SO cute!"

DD, thoughtful: "And mama, you're pretty smart."


Perfect. Would that I had half her confidence.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ask the women/men" threads have been eye opening, triggery, and emotional

Just yes to that.


And this...

I would go thru hell and back 10x over if it means my children have a better shot at a healthy life

shows what a lovely tree you are!


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember somewhere in high school the most empowering, accidental thing happened - I stopped caring what people thought about me.

I remember the exact moment this happened to me. I was a junior in high school.

I spent so much time trying to be cool. I remember overhearing a couple of seniors (who were considered cool/popular) talking about how they used to try so hard to be cool/popular but now that they were about to graduate they wondered why they spent so much energy, when it just really didn't matter to them any more.

And the light bulb hit me. They were right. Big waste of time. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. Funny thing, beginning that moment is when people started perceiving me as confident. The ability to approach / converse with anybody because you really didn't care what other people thought was empowering. Then people really started looking up to me. I grew in popularity. The thing I tried so hard to get, pretty much just happened when I stopped trying. Weird how that worked.

I don't think anyone is born confident. I think we all have moments in life that create confidence in ourselves. Your scar is not a failure. Just another building block to a better you. I do not judge you for it, and I think most others will not either. The people who do? Well, I think that says more about those people than it does about you.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Women in the rear-view mirror may appear more confident than they are.

It came as a huge surprise to me, toward the end of A2, that I had low self-esteem. Me! I'm almost 6' tall, I've been asked many times if I was a model (umm, no, I have a healthy BMI because I love donuts and beer) or a basketball player (umm, no, marching band). My whole life, my motto has been "Fake it till ya make it." I've exuded confidence and bravado while internally, I was an empty shell.

So, not to knock or minimize the women to whom you were referring who may truly-deeply sport those attitudes, but don't necessarily believe it when you seen women who appear strong and confident.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow this just speaks a million thoughts.

And yes I agree there have been a lot of threads that have me thinking even deeper.

Its funny that a person is seen one way. Everyone saw me as this strong competent woman, who could handle anything, I was the go to. I was Momma x to a lot of people, I even had a boyfriend tell me that intimidate men and women, cause of the way I spoke and the way I dressed.

It was my wall, my protection. I was brought up in a home that noway do let anyone see you fall or fear, or that anything was wrong. You laugh you smile and you move on.

So that wall kept me safe many ways, but inside, the truth was their was no strength it was all bravado. I was a fraud and a failure.

The blessing I guess you can call it, we all have the ability to change that in our children like you said Aubrie, yes it would have been better, without our A and our scars, we have this opportunity and be damned if I will let me children be that.

Just know you are a beautiful tree. And your children and QS will see it fully one day.

Just like the lines in our face, it shows we have lived a true life. You can try to fake it with botox reality is , its still there. Love them.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for letting me whine yesterday. I was fine. Till I wasn't. A wall of grief and sadness and jealousy just hit me out of nowhere.

I'm ok. I "know" all this in my head. Its there. I know the steps before me.

Today is better. My focus is not on my twisted trunk, but how I can help others. Laying the foundation for a project. It keeps me busy and I enjoy using talents for others.

Thanks for being here SI.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like what 20 said.

I think more times than not, poor boundaries and entitlement and overcompensating for low self-esteem, can masquerade on the outside as confidence. So those women you thought appeared confident were anything but confident.

How can you have a true measurement another person's confidence anyway? It's only important to measure your own based on your own history. How has your confidence changed, both positively and negatively, and work with that.

I've seen your confidence grow in leaps and bounds Aubrie. You are doing just fine.

Before responding to this thread I looked up the word confidence in the dictionary.

I understand the kind of confidence you are talking about, the self-assurance in your own abilities/qualities, but the another meaning of confidence struct me too.

the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something;

I think that's an element of confidence I've had to work on too. To trust to rely on someone else as well as myself. A person can appear very confident when they seem to not need people but I suspect that can be more of a sign of lacking confidence in everything and everyone. hmmm, tricky little word that one. But I'm getting off topic


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,

I think a part of healing ourselves is grieving for the wrongness in our lives.

To never doubt who and what you are. To not grow up feeling worthless. To not feel you have to exchange your body for affection. To not feel completely unloveable and degraded.

I think we all agree every little girl should feel loved unconditionally and valued by her parents for the amazing awesomeness that is her (Every little boy too). One of the things little girls who feel worthless, unloveable, and degraded do to cope is to buy "affection" and attention with whatever currency is available to them (exchanging your body for affection). Been there done that. Seriously. Have you found compassion and love for that little girl back when the wayward behavior first started? Have you forgiven her? Are you maybe a little angry with her?

The jealousy seems like grieving to me and anger at those who deprived you of a childhood that naturally builds that kind of confidence, maybe at little girl Aubrie???? It's ok to grieve and feel angry. I'm glad you are feeling better.

Process that anger and grief. Feel it. Sit with it. It will free you.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 3:48 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 22
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