Thanks again to everyone.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
My thoughts on the rings: I take them off at home because as others have said, they don't mean much in my relationship now. I wear them in public so that I will look married. Some days I can't get myself to put on the band & engagement ring, so I wear another one on that finger. I want WH to wear his because the vows were, "take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity", the promise that went along with his ring remains true.
If we make it through all of this I told WH that I'd like to renew our vows (probably privately) and to get a replica of my wedding band and I'll wear all three rings since they will tell our story- the engagement ring: that he asked for me, the first wedding band: that we tried and he failed, the (theoretical) new wedding band: that I've put my faith back in him. I want the new one to look just like the old one so that eventually I won't know which is which.
After discussion with my BS. The conclusion, I am going to get my current ring sized up to fit properly. I am going to buy an additional ring as a symbol of my commitment to myself. And then one day, after R, we will buy a new 3 piece set. The current idea is the ring I buy for myself with be black titanium. (I liked the representation Wayflost) So on my finger in the future will be:
The original band (where I was) Gold
black titanium (the dark days) Black
new band (the future) Gold
Thank you everyone for joining me on this journey.
So we compromised in a way that was healthy for both of us. I took my wedding ring/engagement ring that had been soldered together immediately after our wedding and had the jeweler separate them. I wrote a good-bye letter to my wedding band and gave it to my H to make disappear so I never have to see it again. I put the yellow gold engagement ring on and bought two new bands in white gold. I put one of the bands on my finger symbolizing my promise to myself that I would stand against my co-dependency and champion myself from now until eternity. I gave the twin band to my H to keep until the day I am healed, no longer feel interchangeable with other women, and want to be married to him again. Because I do not feel married. I haven't since DDay.
I wish you and the missus the best and I hope that you guys continue healing.
I have had a number of experiences regarding wedding jewelry with BW. After D-day(s) in 2008, BW asked me to take off my ring and she took hers off. I was enraged and made it all about me. All types of thoughts were going through my head. "Does this mean that this is really over?" "What the hell is going on?" etc. We ended up selling our wedding bands and engagement rings.
I wanted that ring back. I struggled with repressing my anger because I felt like I deserved it. Fast forward 5 years. BW and I are celebrating our anniversary. We got matching wedding bands (and another band for me) and were working on buying a new engagement ring for her. I began to wear mine everyday and was so proud of it.
Fast forward to the present and I am not wearing my band again. BW mentioned to me that it is triggering because she has asked me on a number of occasions to remove the ring and I just blew her off. She relayed that it meant nothing as I have lied and lied in this relationship.
I was angry, but saw her point of view. I removed the ring, gave it to her, and have not worn it since.
It's a piece of jewelry that is only as good as the relationship that you are in.