I know this is long but itís not even all of what I have been going thru. Iím just glad I have an outlet to express how I feel & wanted to be thorough. Thank you
Next, step back from your worry over him. It is not your job to save or change him and that comes from codependent thinking. The only thing you can control is you; the only person you should worry about now is you, and your son. Don't throw yourself into trying to heal him--worry about healing yourself.
Thank you for reading & being honest.
My point being...this isn't something he can be "cured" of through counseling. Its just a preference. Plenty of healthy, happy people are into it.
However, it is clear he is ashamed of it, and if YOU aren't comfortable participating in it, or if HE is not comfortable in having you participating in it with him....then Im afraid things just don't forbode well.
He will face a lifetime of trouble trying to suppress his urge for BDSM. You will spend a lifetime policing him, being continuously let down.
I dunno, maybe if he saw a sexual counseler and talked about the BDSM preference, found out his extent for desiring it -- whether healthy or unhealthy -- and he wasn't embarrassed about it, maybe he could be in an honest relationship with you.
Also, I think he's just a liar and cheater on top of all that. Even if he wasn't into the BDSM, he'd probably be cheating anyway, just for regular sex - as some people just have that in your nature.
Im so sorry you are going thru this, but I am glad you discovered it it early, before marriage and kids with him. Also, please think of your young child -- you really don't want him happening upon step dads whip and dog collars do you?
Overall, if BDSM is not something you can live with and be a part of, and if cheating and lying (which really has nothing do with the BDSM) is not what you want in your life, I say cut your losses and move on, as devastating as that will be. Just don't make the mistake of thinking his fetish can somehow be cured or "treated" with counseling.
Let me ask you this, do you want to be around this lifestyle, or have your child find out that your bf is into this lifestyle? My understanding is that's what a lot of bdsm is. A lifestyle. Not sure it's something you can "cure" or not. I don't know much about it myself except that there is an awful lot of trust between the dom/sub relationship. This type of lifestyle will always be something you will have to deal with whether or not he's actively involved or not. Sure he probably has deep issues which is why he may like this lifestyle. IMHO you are either going to have to embrace it or cut yourself off from it.
If you stay with him, the chances of him being involved with infidelity are pretty great in my opinion. Both because he needs to fix why he thought it was ok to do this to you in the first place, his deep reasons why, and also because of the bdsm lifestyle unless you embrace it yourself. Your situation is more complicated than most and you have an extra layer to deal with. What would you like to do?
eta - cross posting with ShiningAutumn (was in here a while). I agree with her.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:13 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
You don't have to make any decision right now but do get yourself tested for STIs and see an individual therapist who can help you understand what YOU want for your future.
And Thank you ShiningAutumn,
"He will face a lifetime of trouble trying to suppress his urge for BDSM. You will spend a lifetime policing him, being continuously let down. "
I feel this statement has giving me a stronger will than I've had on my own. You are so right & I know I don't wanna live that kind of a life!
eta - had to fix the emoticon.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 4:51 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]