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User Topic: I'm stuck
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please excuse this if it comes off as a venting rant. I am trying to find my focus and make some real progress.

I'm stuck. I have been obsessing and distracting myself with shame/pity and obsessing. I have lived my life finding my value in the acceptance of others and am now separated alone and missing my BS horribly.

I understand I will get out what I put in from this process and very much want to fix my shit. I have isolated myself and feel like I'm missing something.

I know I have to detach myself and let go out the outcome over the relationship I have destroyed. I am putting alot of my BS' comments about my lack of progress on me. I am taking them as judgemental, critcizing and it only feeds my self shaming crap. She sees what she sees and I have to do this for myself, but it hurts and frustrates me when she says 'I'm going backwards', 'she has little time and has made so much more progress than me' or 'you're not doing any hard work... I know what hard work looks like because I'm doing it'. I am truly happy for her and what she is accomplishing with her healing and recovery. I have done horrible damage to her and 'us' and I want to do whatever it takes. I just feel stuck trying to find my direction. I shouldn't need her or anyone's validation, but I do value her thoughts and I do feel like a different person in some ways and I do feel like I am seeing myself differently. Am I fixed? No. Am I healed? No. But I know I won't ever allow myself to go back to the cheating POS that I was. I see the horrendous selfish behaviours and lies I told to myself to justify what I was doling and how I lied to her and others throughout my life. I am sick of living through lies and am taking each day as a chance to move farther away from that.

I have hinged myself on her acceptance for 21 of my 38 years here and I just have so much fear around letting go of her.

I guess I'm just trying to find my way and feel stuck without a map.

[This message edited by LostTime at 4:43 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel stuck trying to find my direction

Only you can figure out your direction.

LostTime I have some serious questions and hope to not offend you

1. Who do you want to be?
2. What do you want to achieve?
3. When do you want to accomplish these?
4. Why do you want these?

You need to dig deep into yourself, and be honest with yourself. Answer these questions first. After that, you can have a direction. I you are still running around like a chicken with its head cut off, worried and in a panic. You will not be able to sit down and be real with yourself and find these answers.

I guess I'm just trying to find my way and feel stuck without a map.

You do not need the whole map to start with. You need the "you are here" arrow and the X where the finish is. getting between the two places can have a variety of of options.

I know I have to detach myself and let go out the outcome over the relationship I have destroyed

For myself (and I would guess a great many people) I believe that this is the hardest part. But I also believe that it is the first step.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Work on yourself and grow from that. That is what I have been told and am trying to do. It's hard but can't really go wrong if we learn from ourselves.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M

Posts: 143 | Registered: Mar 2014
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dr Jekyll - I want to thank you for your posts. They help me and I would be happy months from now if I have grown to where you are at or seem to be at now.

You did not offend me - I am here to learn. I have a hunger and willingness to change that I need to focus in order to grow. If there's one thing I have learned over the last couple years it is that whatever anyone says badly about me will NOT kill me and I can survive through pain. I can either ignore it and change nothing or change my perspective and learn from it.

I thank you for the questions and I will be working through these but here are some surface answers:

1. I know who I want to be, but the trouble is dealing with figuring out who I am. I haven't allowed anyone to know me including myself because I have been and still am afraid no one will ever love me just the way I am forever.
2. I want to achieve happiness, I want to give love and love myself and be able and safe to be loved, I want to be proud of the person I am for myself and my kids. More importantly I want my kids to be whole and healthy and live better lives than this.
3. As for when I want to accomplish this, I don't believe it is possible to put a timeline on this. It took a lot of years to get this broken, it will take a lot of years to become someone whole.
4. Why do I want this? Because I want to live and be free. I haven't truly lived - I am sick of living a lie, sick of lies, sick of causing pain and heartache.

I think the lack of direction is more a realization that I have lost myself through all this infidelity. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am looking at anymore. This is a very overwhelming feeling to not know yourself. To look at everything I did to the person I love and have to face that it was me that did it.

(Edited for typos and bad grammar )

[This message edited by LostTime at 11:20 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I relate to what you have written, we are in similar situations.

Detaching is important, but I know how hard that is. It can be a daily, ir not hourly struggle.

You also have to understand that your BW is hurt, and will say things from that place, and her history and perception of you. My suggestion is when she tells you these things be more empathetic. Try to understand why she see's you in this way.

I understand I will get out what I put in from this process and very much want to fix my shit. I have isolated myself and feel like I'm missing something.

As to this ^ are you in IC? Isolation will not help you, you have to find places to talk to someone and work your way through all of this. I found that i don't see my own blind spots, that is where my IC helps me identify them.

I have lost myself through all this infidelity

I know exactly what you mean by this. I feel so lost by what I have become. It has taken me 2 years to start to like who I am becoming, but it is still a work in process.

Good luck.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. I know who I want to be, but the trouble is dealing with figuring out who I am. I haven't allowed anyone to know me including myself because I have been and still am afraid no one will ever love me the way I am forever.

This was a lie I told myself, that no one knew me.
To figure out who you are: write down your characteristics, and the dictionary definitions.
Then write down the characteristics, that you want to be and their definitions. Get a clear idea of what you want to become. Do not leave it in the abstract. I did that far too long.

2. I want to achieve happiness, I want to give love and love myself and be able and safe to be loved, I want to be proud of the person I am for myself and my kids. More importantly I want my kids to be whole and healthy and live better lives than this.

define to yourself what happiness is. What would make you proud of yourself? i.e. I would be happy if I did XXX. I could be proud of myself for doing xxx. then the map starts to form.

3. As for when I want to accomplish this, I don't believe it is possible to put a timeline on this. It took a lot of years to get this broken, it will take a lot of years to become someone whole.

I understand that it will take years. You need to set goals with dates and deliver on them. there needs to be deadlines. so that you can push yourself. do not be unreasonable, but set them. i.e. in 3 months i would like a better understanding of xxx. by the end of next month, i would like to have done task 1 on my list. without a deadline, you may be missing out on some motivation. not a deadline on your healing, but on some learning and actions etc.

4. Why do I want this? Because I want to live and be free. I haven't truly lived - I am sick of living a lie, sick of lies, sick of causing pain and heartache.

What will make you free? what will help you live?

everytime you come up with an answer, ask yourself another question. the more you question yourself the deeper you will dig. down to the roots.

Dr Jekyll - I want to thank you for your posts. They help me and I would be happy months from now if I have grown to where you are at or seem to be at now.

It doesn't have to take you months, I am not that far ahead on healing lane. Keep fighting for yourself.

The hardest parts for me are accepting what I am capable of. Accepting of my Hyde side. Accepting what I did to myself and my BS. What the hell kind of monster I had become.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJ - again thank you. I appreciate the advice - you have given me some good stuff to work on and today as been a good one of realization and acceptance.

This was a lie I told myself, that no one knew me.

I have been thinking about this and I think maybe I clouded hid and tainted who I was by my destructive behaviours and lies.

badchoice - thank you.

You also have to understand that your BW is hurt, and will say things from that place, and her history and perception of you. My suggestion is when she tells you these things be more empathetic.

This is very true. I think part of the problem stems from me denying the truth to her statements. I am deflecting from the meaning behind it and making myself feel better by attaching negativity and pain to the statements.

I definitely need to be humble and empathetic. I am in no position to be arrogant.

are you in IC? Isolation will not help you, you have to find places to talk to someone and work your way through all of this. I found that i don't see my own blind spots, that is where my IC helps me identify them.

I am in IC. I'm on my 3rd counsellor because I wasn't honest with myself or with them. I chose to obsess and deflect/distract rather than face the truth of who I am and what I've done. I am quite frankly embarrassed and disgusted it's taken me 2.5 years to get to the starting line.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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