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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So ashamed
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me and the hubby just got home from what was supposed to be a 'romantic' dinner...yeah, that didn't happen.

The whole time I was looking around to see if people were staring at me. I'm so embarrassed by him, he could tell something was wrong as we barely spoke. I'm just so ashamed of him.

I want off this ride from hell!


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Shattered031307
♀ Member
Member # 13986
Target  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No! You, have nothing to be ashamed about! Absolutely nothing! There is no shame in loving your WH, there is no shame in trying to piece back your marriage. He carries all the shame.

A marriage in trouble or in need attention does NOT have to have infidelity as part of it. One does not cause the other. Infidelity is a choice that a person makes, not BECAUSE of someone else, BECAUSE of something inside of them.

I am sending you strength and peace. Slowly breath, think about the good person you are, breath again and think again. Only positive thoughts tonight.

Tomorrow is a new day, we are here for you.

[This message edited by Shattered031307 at 11:44 PM, June 27th (Friday)]


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ What Shattered said ^^^

Posts: 6670 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Could it be your ashamed for not leaving?

I know this is where my shame comes from, ashamed at myself for not leaving.



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mozz)))
Be gentle with yourself brother.
You've chosen a rough road.

Posts: 6670 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it stems from the fact of how proud I always was of him, until this happened.....


He's just become an embarrassment to me at this point.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes I understand this completely.
Horrible position to be in.



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been separated for over 6 months and from reading your first and last posts I don't see much of a change in your attitude towards your WS.

Since you are separated and you are not monitoring his actions, its likely he is still seeing the OW; or in some other affair. Meanwhile he waits to see how his marriage plays out; whether you will be able to reconcile. I remember the post from lastdance and the insincerity of her WS. In a similar vein are you sure your WS is genuinely remorseful? He may be waiting to see what your decision is; allow you to axe the marriage. Then he can move on with the knowledge that he did all he could to save the relationship. Some of the guilt off his shoulders.

You may have an image of him sitting in a lonely apartment wringing his hands and weeping with intense remorse, I'm betting thats not what he is doing.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Andrea,

I've just re-read some of your posts. You've given it over six months. For some folks, it's just a deal breaker. It doesn't matter how remorseful he is. And that's okay if you cannot R. We all advised you to not make an immediate decision and you listened. And that was the right thing to do.

But you're posts have been consistent from the start. You're not feeling like you can be married to someone who cheated. And you don't have to. Your kids will not have the exact life you wanted, but now that he's cheated, they won't anyway if you cannot be "in" the marriage again.

I'm not encouraging you to D. I am saying it's okay to look at the whole thing again and decide if you can do it. He destroyed your marriage and your family. If you cannot repair it, it's not your fault.

Be gentle with yourself.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Sudra said.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Shattered031307
♀ Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^All very good thoughts^^

This is why this site is so wonderful, many caring people who accept your decisions but can always offer insight,

IMHO - there is never shame in trying or staying in your marriage, even if in the end you leave. Giving your marriage and your partner a chance to grow, change and overcome is the epitome of one made in the image of their maker {{mozz}}.

Sending more strength, peace and clarity. We will all get through this!

[This message edited by Shattered031307 at 4:29 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A word of explanation about my last post.

If your WH is currently seeing the OW or in another affair, then it makes your decision so much easier. I can see you are agonizing over what to do about your marriage and maybe you need more evidence of his remorse or lack thereof.

I would hire a PI and see just what hubby is doing with his free time. The knowledge could free you from this indecision.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Shattered031307
♀ Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO - 7 years ago, I caught my WS cheating - emotionally and physically (he admitted it all). I felt that since I took my commitment to the marriage fully that even though I was hurt, scared and hated and loved him still that I should attempt to reconcile.

We went to MC and did reconcile and after a couple of years. Life went on and my marriage seemed good. I was happy in the marriage and glad I gave us a second chance.

Fast forward 7 years - he has left the marriage emotionally again and physically for "at least" the last 3 years. After we have talked he says maybe it has been since the last affair or before it and what drove him to have the affair.

I don't regret trying and giving all to my marriage but I am enraged that he was such a friggen coward and didn't tell me this time when he knew - for sure 3 years ago - that he was done.

So, I love him but hate him for treating a human being - who was once his best friend/soul mate - worse than he would a pet. F^ck him - she is inconsequential to me.

I want a life of warmth and love and he won't give it to me so I'm D.O.N.E. I'm scared, lonely as hell and facing my last child leaving to college next year but I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING TREATED THIS BADLY BY ANYONE!

We, ALL OF US, deserve a partner in a marriage. It may not be 50/50 all the time but after years of marriage, the average had better be close.

Love, peace and strength to all of us.


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 13

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