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Newest Member: Chivalrous (45316)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please help
Bat4583
♀ New Member
Member # 43823
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am devastated. I just found out my husband had an affair and the woman just had his baby. I cannot function. We have 2 beautiful children and from the outside, look like the perfect family. I can't stop crying. He has been holding me and crying all night saying he is sorry. A baby is very difficult to deal with. I want to curl up and die.


DDay 6-21-2014
Married 17 years
Together 28
ME: 44 totally loyal
WS: 44 knocked up his OW. Nice!
2 fabulous kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2014
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Bat))))))

I'm sorry you're here. There's a thread down in the I Can Relate forum for those who have experienced their spouse having an OC- other child coming from cheating.

Has he had a paternity test?
He needs to get a lawyer and all contact through a lawyer until paternity is established. Right you his focus needs to be protecting you, your M and your kids.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bat, I know your situation is soul crushing and my heart breaks for you.

Deal with your husband and whether you want to reconcile LATER.

Your first order of business is to protect your family FINANCIALLY.

I'm assuming you're in the USA. As a general rule of thumb, child support is figured on a percentage of your husband's total income. HOWEVER, if there is a prior child support order in place, any subsequent child support orders are figured on his income AFTER the first one is deducted from the mix.

So in other words, if YOU get to the courthouse first and file a child support order for your children of the marriage, they'll use his TOTAL income to figure what your monthly amount will be. Any subsequent orders for child support after yours (the OW's) will be figured on the income LEFT after the FIRST child support order is deducted from the total. In other words, YOU would get the lion's share of support for your children and the OW would get a lesser amount.

Look, your husband deserves whatever he gets, I have no sympathy for him. But why should YOUR children have to go without for the next 20 years because the lion's share of your husband's income will now be going to a child HE created without your knowledge or consent? How is that fair to YOUR kids?

Of course, filing for child support would probably be on the supposition that you're "separated" and you'd likely have to provide an alternate living address for your husband. But the bottom line is that you need to get to a lawyer NOW.

Protect your family NOW, Bat.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:01 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's some good advice there. You need to look after you and yours.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goodness bat,

I can't even imagine the pain you're going through. I might also be experiencing the same thing too. So sorry you are married to a lying selfish idiot who lets his penis make decisions for him. ( and ruin everyone else's life! )Take your time to make a decision. I think CS for your children can be requested only if you're separated or divorced.

I honestly think it will be very very very difficult to reconcile with the presence of the child. There's gonna be child support, he will have an excuse to contact the other woman to coparent. You probably have to allow this child to be over at your house and be siblings with your children .... But if you have a heart like mother Teresa and your husband is worth forgiving, then anything is possible. Btw, how is your husband acting regarding all this?


Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BAT

Sorry to hear this bad news. Not only is you husband selfish, he is also stupid. So forget the infidelity right now because you need to go into Mama Grizzly mode and protect your children.
So I suggest you get to an attorney ASAP.
Don't know right now how you would be interested on R right now with someone who has put the well being of his wife and children in chaos just to get laid and was not eve smart enough to use a condom.
Hope you get legal help right away


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Bat4583
♀ New Member
Member # 43823
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses. They are so greatly appreciated.


DDay 6-21-2014
Married 17 years
Together 28
ME: 44 totally loyal
WS: 44 knocked up his OW. Nice!
2 fabulous kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2014
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. Take care of yourself - eat and drink water and take walks.

Understand it is a huge shock and read through experiences - there is a smart way to navigate. I thought I was alone and some stories won't speak to you others will. The site covers all spectrums.

The legal aspect is important to figure out a plan just in case but also getting tested. You have your children and your future to consider. Your OBGYN sadly has seen this before and request a full STD check.

There is time to figure out if you stay married or even if you want to. Your life just exploded focus on facts as much as you can- trust me it is wrong but you will make it and possibly your family will stay intact. Some marriages end but some are stronger. If you feel it would help find your own IC and possibly a marriage counselor when you are up for it to figure what is the issue that could have contributed to his actions and if it is solely him he needs to work on it or it may occur again.

Be good to yourself and find some support so when you need time to process you have help with the kids.


Posts: 1004 | Registered: Jul 2012
Shattered031307
♀ Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Bat}}}

I am crushed for you honey. I am praying for you as I type - strength, peace and clarity.

You have come to the right place, the support you will find here is phenomenal.

There isn't a rush to decide anything, and the best piece of advice I received from those here was to keep this to yourself and those on this board until you feel rational and stronger.

People (family and friends) mean well, but they inject "what they would do" and then may speak out; when all you need is acceptance of what you decide to do.

Please try to immediately find a counselor, if money is a problem, openly ask for discounts, payment plans or Pro Bono. Check at hospitals and churches, get creative. You need to do what you need for yourself; your WH and OW will do what they need to...you can only control yourself and how you interact with your children.

God bless!


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've gotten some great advice. Taking care of your children in light of this is going to difficult but you can do it. It's possible the OW has already begun the process for child support so you need to move and move FAST. Find an attorney who specializes in family law and get him/her to advise you. Credit cards, family, friends to cover the expense if you don't have the money. You must get professional advice from someone in your state ASAP.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 603 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
theroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you find yourself here. An OC is an added heartbreak to an already devastating situation.

Others here have already given you good advice. Do what you can to protect your family.

(((Bat)))


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
Bat4583
♀ New Member
Member # 43823
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the responses. OW is married and the husband signed the birth certificate. In the state that I live, if the woman is married is is presumed that the husband is the father. (Imagine that!). He is aware the baby is most likely not his, well according to her. I told OW to have her husband give me a call. He hasn't yet He signed the birth certificate stating he is the father which is a legal document.

She actually called my husband today flipping out because I left her messages telling her that if she wants my husband to be a part of the babies life, then his wife and kids would be also. I told her we would push for 50/50 custody! She wants him to sign over parental rights. Huh! What parental rights! Apparently, she is an idiot too.

Hugs to everyone dealing with this horrible situation. I swear I have become bipolar. I am a puddle during the day. At night, I put on my big girl pants, pull up my bitch boots and I am raving lunatic. I prefer my anger versus my despair.


DDay 6-21-2014
Married 17 years
Together 28
ME: 44 totally loyal
WS: 44 knocked up his OW. Nice!
2 fabulous kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2014
Shattered031307
♀ Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bat - you are awesome! you're not bi-polar you are dealing with a trauma that is not of your making. I love that you are raving in the evenings...I can't seem to make my swings follow a pattern. I sob some days in bouts and spurts and carryon like I'm fine at other moments and today.

I usually hold all my feelings in and very very rarely cry - which I think is something that I need to work on in IC or at least address but I haven't truly let my anger out in 20 years because WH would do it at the drop of a hat and I soothed things....stupid, stupid, stupid but I thought that was one of those things I compromised to make a marriage work.

Anyway - YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND YOU ARE DOING PERFECTLY!!


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
Bat4583
♀ New Member
Member # 43823
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry shattered! Wish we weren't on these boards. I seriously feel like I am on some surprise Jerry Springer show:)

We got this girl! We are stronger than we think we are. Our husbands choose this not us. I think we has women compromise because we are nurturers. If I didn't have children, his ass would be nurtured right out of the house.

Can u tell its night time? I cried all day but pulled my bitch boots on as evening approached!

Take care of yourself. You are worth it:)


DDay 6-21-2014
Married 17 years
Together 28
ME: 44 totally loyal
WS: 44 knocked up his OW. Nice!
2 fabulous kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, I can't imagine that kind of pain on top of an already painful situation! And he knew all along that the baby was his?

I would consult an attorney about the parental rights/birth certificiate. yes the birth certificate is a legal document, but if later on the husband says "this baby isn't mine" and does a paternity test to prove so - you may wind up with a court ordered dna test and back-child support.

And as much as the infidelity alone is enough for any couple to deal with, your husband has some very deep and long-term questions he needs to think about if this child is his. Does he want to sign over parental rights (after proving paternity) and never see his biological child again?


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 713 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear bat, how are you? yes, the OW is an idiot. your husband DOES NOT have to sign over parental rights because legally, the OWs husband is the baby's father. Unless someone demands a paternity test. How do you and your WH stand on this issue. Does he want parental rights? Do you want to have parental rights? Are you willing to accept your husband's apologies and raise this other child with him?

Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would advise a DNA test for the innocent child caught up in all this.

If your husband is the father, make sure that the other man knows he isn't and vice versa.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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