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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Maybe not the model fww I thought
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get Codependant No More, talk to your IC about it.

My IC mentioned I had codependent tendancies. I just thought, who doesn't?

I think she (IC) is just trying to help me survive my marriage though. Which is what I told her I wanted.

Instead of fixing my codependency (which may kill the M), she's helping me tolerate what I call "my new reality". I think she's very capable and will talk to her next week about codependency.

The IC has mentioned detachment before, finding my own source of happiness, even went so far as to ask if I want to sleep with other women. Not as an invitation to do so (I hope), but to think about how it would/wouldn't help.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

since then I've tiptoed around. I even give the kids a pep talk before Mom gets home so she doesn't have a reason to be upset.

Wow. Co-dependent and training your kids to be also. You need to get serious about your personality and stop trying to change hers. At a minimum you should read Codependent No More. You should also look up 'covert aggressive'. From your brief description, she may fall into this category.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20433 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We cross-posted.

Instead of fixing my codependency (which may kill the M), she's helping me tolerate what I call "my new reality".

I have a friend who is going through this also. It's killing him. I can't even imagine 'just surviving' a marriage. I'd rather be single. In fact, I am.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20433 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindmonkey:

Please go back and read regretfulhusband, and Something Remorse's posts.

They are wayward's who are really stepping up to the plate.

Your wayward is not. She needs some heavy duty IC.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monkey, listen to your IC. I strongly encourage you to read the books on the subject. You'll see it is so.much.more. than most people think. You've got unhealthy coping mechanisms and you teach your kids to do the same. Many of us have recovered from this, or, from being counterdependant. You're enabling her to be this way. It doesn't help anything. It only makes things worse.

We want you to be the strongest version of yourself possible. Don't fear the unknown outcome. Embrace the fact that there is a happier, healthier you in the future.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I even give the kids a pep talk before Mom gets home so she doesn't have a reason to be upset.

The thing that stood out for me most was the above. Giving the kids a pep talk. It must cause them great anxiety to wonder what Mom is going to be like when she walks in. And what about if they are having a bad day? Then what? And if they don't already, they will soon resent Mom - the grown up - who needs special attention and I hate to say it but they will resent you for putting them in that position.

Reading Codependent No More can't hurt, right?

I agree with Sad in AZ with this...

Wow. Co-dependent and training your kids to be also.

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:41 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to sound like a mean bitch, but dude, you need to get out of your own fog.

I guess I deserve that.

I DO feel manipulated when I get the tears after making a complaint. Mind you, it's not right away. The tears come later, like the next day after work. She'll start with "I had a shitty day at work", so I go in for the hug because she had a shitty day and she works so hard. Then the tears come and "and can't seem to do anything right anymore". God, it's terribly manipulating.

I'll download "Codependent No More". Thanks.

FWIW, she's not just sorry she got caught, she's sorry she cheated. I believe that.

And you only hear my side. She would say she's always asking if I need anything (which she does) and I'm always saying no (which I am). That's probably codependent too, I guess.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any chance she's having another affair?

I would say zero chance.

My first question would be where was she until 9pm.

She forgets to call and just comes in at 9pm.

Obviously that sounds fishy, but it might not be. But most wives dont forget to call if they arent going to be home until way after dinner at 9pm.


Posts: 4273 | Registered: Jun 2002
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously that sounds fishy, but it might not be. But most FORMER WAYWARD wives dont forget to call if they arent going to be home until way after dinner at 9pm.

/added bold


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to quit saying No, and tell her what you need. It sounds like She's trying to step up to the plate, but you aren't telling her where that is. You read Codependent No More, and she needs ro read "How To help your spouse heal from your affair". And you need to read that, too. Sounds like you don't even know what you need to heal yet, either. (No judgement, neither did I...)

My fwh was sorry he cheated, too, and not just that he got caught... But I helped him put it all off on EAP, and rug-sweep and manipulate... And he never really got it... And slowly he went back to all of those behaviors... And slipped right back down that slope.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Co-dependent and training your kids to be also.
And
It must cause them great anxiety to wonder what Mom is going to be like when she walks in. And what about if they are having a bad day? Then what? And if they don't already, they will soon resent Mom - the grown up - who needs special attention and I hate to say it but they will resent you for putting them in that position.

Hit home. I wrote it above. In black and white and didn't see it.

I'm staying for the kids primarily, last thing I want to do is screw them up. I got some thinkin' to do.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first question would be where was she until 9pm.
She forgets to call and just comes in at 9pm.

Obviously that sounds fishy, but it might not be. But most wives dont forget to call if they arent going to be home until way after dinner at 9pm.

She had DD with her and the pedicure to prove it. In fairness she texted while she was there, I just specifically asked her to call when she was on her way home, which she didn't. Because she forgot.

And I told her I would hold dinner until they got back because I'm a nice guy. What I wanted to say was "It's already seven, you said we could spend some time together and here I am making dinner and you want your nails did. Why is this even coming up?" but what I said was, "no problem just call me when you're on your way home so I can have dinner ready"

That sounds absolutly pathetic. Please do not draw it to my attention

And, I'm really very certain she's not having another affair (or continuing in the last).


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I told her I would hold dinner until they got back because I'm a nice guy. What I wanted to say was "It's already seven, you said we could spend some time together and here I am making dinner and you want your nails did. Why is this even coming up?" but what I said was, "no problem just call me when you're on your way home so I can have dinner ready"
There's nothing wrong with that or being a nice guy at that time. Having her DD with her makes a world of difference compared to just your wife just walking in at 9.

Posts: 4273 | Registered: Jun 2002
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not draw it to my attention

Too late.

It's not pathetic. You are NOT pathetic. You are plenty strong enough to say what you really feel to your wife. Do you want a solid, authentic marriage or do you not? That doesn't come from being afraid to speak your mind, to share your wants and needs.

I think you've had a couple ah ha's today. Good job.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously that sounds fishy, but it might not be. But most FORMER WAYWARD wives dont forget to call if they arent going to be home until way after dinner at 9pm.

Again, as a Wayward, this ^^^ x1000.

Since what's happened, my wife knows my every move, and not because she expects it (she never even asked, actually). I do it to let her know I am aware of the concern and will not let it happen again.

My battery dropping low? I send a pic from the road and a text saying "this is where I am, battery low, on my way".

I bought extra charge cables so I could charge at home, at work, and in the car. I don't want there to be any possibility of me having to come up with a reason or excuse for not being in contact with her.

Your WW isn't getting it, and if you continue to enable her, she never will.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What RH said. 1000 times. I was trying to say just that. She won't magically get it, unless you make her get it. if you are letting her rug sweep, she will continue to do just that.

And she may resent having to check in, and not have her runs by herself, and more. Transparency is hard when you are still trying to hide from your own shit. (She may no longer be hiding stuff from you... But she is still trying to hide from it. That's regret, not remorse.) Too bad. Don't like it, get to steppin'...

I let "not cheating anymore" be enough for me, and ignored all of the excuses, defensiveness and BS. All that did was enable him to continue behaviors that led him to cheat again... Because we were both under the impression that we were safe.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 2:23 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wayward or not, letting family know if you will be late, no matter what time you are expected, is just a common curtesy, not a control measure. It is part of being a loving, concerned family.

I had some ongoing battles and disagreements with my daughter as a teen. She could be sarcastic and difficult, but I never even thought about punching her in the mouth. That should be a real concern for you.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I an unable to add anything to the wise words already given.

I think you should go back and read all the advice again....let it sink in.

(((hugs))) and strength.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She could be sarcastic and difficult, but I never even thought about punching her in the mouth. That should be a real concern for you.

It is. When I was separated due to work, she had a violent outburst with DD. She threw stuff all over the kitchen and slapped DD across the face. Normally I can calm her down but I just wasn't there. DD wouldn't talk about it. This was the same time her A was starting.

Like I said, she has real anger issues. She's never hit me but she's told me she's wanted to throw things at me. And, this is weird...I once caught her banging her head on the bathroom floor. I also found a scalpel (hidden?) above the vanity. She's a nurse so maybe she just left it in her coat and put it up so DS didn't play with it, IDK.

I think I've come to the descision that the next violent outburst will lead to me asking her to move out. Not as a legal separation but a physical one.

One thing I haven't admitted is a couple of months ago, we noticed my daughter was cutting herself. She appears to have stopped but I don't think it's altogether healthy here.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MindMonkey, please tell me your daughter is in therapy. She needs help.

I'm so sorry things are so rough there, but yes. You are right. Things are not healthy there.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 40
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