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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A Separation for Reconciliation?
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone ever used a brief separation as part of the reconciliation process? If so, how did it work - what made it work well?

My fWH wasn't changing his behaviour toward me until I said I was seriously looking for another place. Now I'm taking a month away in a few weeks, partly because I just can't come to terms with what has happened to me in our marriage, and I am hoping I can come to some peace about that. Also, I am hoping my fWH gets some perspective on the marriage, because my being here certainly wasn't doing that. Any advice or suggestions?


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't using our separation as a step in reconciliation, but I had hoped that doing the 180 and separating would wake WS up. It partially did, and she's still coming along.

You mentioned needing the space to deal with what happened to you, which is a wonderful reason to have a separation. I'm guessing it has been outlined that you will return after that month, though. What I experienced and have noticed on here often is that the WS needs time to know what it's like without you and realistically fear the loss of you and the relationship to determine if they are willing to work toward reconciliation. I wish I could remember who first posted this, because it's so true: you have to risk the M to save it.

Ultimately you are saving yourself. You are recognizing that your WS is not meeting your needs in the relationship, determine ways to meet your own needs and share the needs the WS needs to meet in order for you to even consider R. Then you focus on yourself and create a barrier to allowing them to hurt you any more than they already have. That means that if discussing the A's is met with anger, defensiveness, accusations, gaslighting, TT or anything else negative, you quit discussing it with them. They don't deserve your vulnerability because they are continuing to take advantage of it.

Read about the 180 if you haven't. It's a great list of actions to follow for honoring and empowering yourself through this process. By the time my WS came to me with remorse, I knew I would be ok without her. It was my choice to stay, not pressure due to obligatory love for her, our relationship or our family. It was my choice, not pressure from her due to mistakes she used to justify her disgusting behavior. It was her choice because I didn't pressure her by dumping all my emotions on her when she was being mean and hurtful. I didn't give her ammo to hurt me and didn't pressure her to stay or leave. I left it alone and set my own boundaries.

Take the time you need. Identify your own needs. Fulfill your own needs. Let him stew in his own mistakes with fear that he has lost everything for a bit...or even in a fog that you are the source of all his problems. Either way, take care of you.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 512 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much - I really appreciate your reply :)


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2013
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What peoplepleaser said. Read about the 180. Lay out your requirements to you WH. Let him stew on them during your time away. Sounds like you need this and it's a good plan for you. Good luck!


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 384 | Registered: Mar 2014
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't, but always wanted to. But since I had just had a baby, was breastfeeding, and also had a 3 yr old, I didn't want to disrupt their lives. I always felt an still do that a seperation would've helped me realize if I was R-ing for the right reason. His actions while separated would help me see how serious he is about us.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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