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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Real R - what is it?
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hanging in here, attempting R. At least I think so - sometimes I'm not sure. What makes it real?


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some beautiful stories of R on here. Keep reading. I, too, am looking for that moment when we are our old selves again and this cloud no longer hangs over us.

Hopefully, it is not too far away for each of us. Good luck...


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2014
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Real R
-not being defensive
-not blaming the marriage
-apologizing
-stating "I'm sorry everyday"
_making "us" a priority
-being transparent
-being there for you when you trigger
-stating things like 'I got you', 'It's just us'
-being & stating they are grateful for R and "us"
-owning what they did
-working on themselves (reading, IC, etc.)
-being loving, passionate and PRESENT
-being vulnerable
-communicating


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 611 | Registered: Oct 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgivingnow about has it covered.

There is a shift, and a change in the whole attitude of things when real R starts.
The WS becomes understanding, and empathetic. The WS is willing to do anything and everything that you need to feel safe, and does so without question, complaint, or struggle.
The WS doesn't care who knows, because they are really doing the work now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree the actions of the WS are important when deciding to R. Forgivingnow has them covered.

But what we BS's need to understand, IMO, is R is a 2 way street.

I worked just as hard as my husband did to repair our marriage.

I worked on me, my childhood issues and FOO.

I made myself healthier, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I accepted the work my husband did and allowed myself to become vulnerable and to trust him and the path we were on.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allowing myself to become vulnerable is hard - mostly because he doesn't share his feelings, and so is trusts. not sure how to get to there.



Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadjacey:

It seems, based on your tag line, that your husband is or was either addicted to porn or heavily depending on it.

For you to trust him, you must feel secure that the porn and prostitutes have stopped.

Also, Shirley Glass, in the book titled: "Not Just Friends," recommends that wayward spouses set aside as much as they can afford for a detective fund.

With this money you can check up on your spouse to ensure he is not using prostitutes.

The prostitute thing is a danger to your life, too. Condoms are only about 80 percent effective and preventing disease.

Also, you can have someone at a computer store install keyloggers on his computer and smart phone to ensure he is not visiting porn sites.

Also the money can be used for a polygraph, if you still feel he is lying to you.

These sound like extreme measures, but it may be the only way for you to trust him again and to feel safe

With High tech items, it's really easy to visit porn sites on your phone undetected.

If he agrees to these things, it shows he has nothing to hide.

The trust will never be 100 percent, ever, IMO, as you can see by all the people who are reconciled but still posting here.

But if he is staying away from porn and prostitutes, you can at least break his addiction to them.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
markyall
♂ New Member
Member # 37808
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needed this right now, thank you forgivingnow and tushnurse


Me:BH 42
Her:WS 36
two kids-still in school
Dday 052512

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h is doing everything forgivingnow said....
I stopped checking the phone bill eons ago...
Sadjacey our ages are the same and our dday is only 15days apart...
My H had a 2 year affair with someone from his high school days....I know who she is I was her competition than...little did I know he'd look her up ....
Oh well I guess I 'won' again!!!
anyway there is no way I'd be here if he hadn't stepped up to the plate instantly....
this is hard shit....
I can look at him and see who I knew he always was and in a flash I can take myself back to the jack ass he was during those 2 plus years...angry ....short tempered ....distant.....
he's back ....emotionally spirituality and physically present....
I am working on me....my biggest obstacle is acceptance
even more than trust....but like forgiveness ...it will come in layers.....
I wish you peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 515 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadjacey:

In the end, what makes an R real is whatever YOU NEED TO MAKE IT REAL.

Everyone has different criteria.

My husband seems to be doing everything right, but my gut still tells me he has an ulterior motive.

That motive being it's cheaper to keep her, rather than really being interested in the marriage.

I feel this way because every now and then I seem him slip up and go into old emotionally abusive patterns.

No one here can tell you what is right for you.

Do your research and figure out if YOU see that your husband is giving YOU what you need to believe reconciliation is real.

It's too sad here that time and time again, on these types of forums, a wayward is doing everything right, but the faithful spouse years later learns once again that the spouse is cheating.

Even if R seems real, it is too easily faked.

So, trust but verify, and get your ducks in a row so you can leave if he emotionally abuses you ever again with an affair.

An affair is a form of emotional abuse.

Edited for typo.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:45 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me I realized the difference when real R happened. As someone here said to me "if you have to ask if you are in R, then you aren't". It sounded harsh and rude at the time, but they were right.

I kept thinking we were in R, but When we entered real R, my FWH was just more invested and present in our marriage. He was just like the man I married, that great guy who did nice things for me and was caring and thoughtful. He helped out around the house more. No having his phone tied to his hip, he just left it lying around with no lock on it and text pages and email open. Sometimes we go out and he forgets his phone at home, which would never have happened during the A. His email on the computer is always open and sitting there like it was pre A.

Lots of little things that I can't list and an indescribable feeling of peacefulness in our home.

May you find that same peace


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept thinking we were in R, but When we entered real R, my FWH was just more invested and present in our marriage. He was just like the man I married, that great guy who did nice things for me and was caring and thoughtful.

He helped out around the house more. No having his phone tied to his hip, he just left it lying around with no lock on it and text pages and email open. Sometimes we go out and he forgets his phone at home, which would never have happened during the A. His email on the computer is always open and sitting there like it was pre A.


Here is the problem with using that measure as a yardstick for real R.

For six months, my husband did all that, too. Then, boom, I get another anonymous letter telling me that he is going to a strip club and he was.

Here I was believing that we were in true R and he was still misbehaving.

If it were not for the anonymous letter, I would never have found out.

So, I still don't know what true R looks like. People can fake reconciliation.

I was in a faked reconiliation, but was oblvious until someone sent another anonymous letter.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
dana47
♀ Member
Member # 43711
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. Last night BH and I had a discussion about how far we have come. He told me he feels like he sees me coming back to myself. I lost myself in this process.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 13

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