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Newest Member: Raggz (44204)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Boredom
Whatever13
♂ New Member
Member # 41468
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 months out from... that stupid EA thing she was doing. Still doing the limbo thing though, laying flaccidly in the grass of the plain of lethal flatness. We never talk about anything substantial anymore. We don't see each other during the week due to our conflicting work schedules, so most of our communication, if you can call it that, occurs over the phone. The conversations never seem to go any deeper than money or dinner. What DD has for homework. There's little left to say, it seems. Any attempts to deepen the dialogue are met with brief half-assed responses, and no attempts on her part. I remember this place. The calm before the storm. I'm starting to see that the burden of keeping things "fresh" was always on me. Any failure in this regard has been a precursor to her wreckless behavior. No real red flags yet, but it's plain to see that we're both incredibly bored with each other. Long-term compatibility comes very heavily into question here. Not sure where it's all going, or how I feel about it anymore. I don't really feel anything beyond a need to feel something else, with or without her.

Ugh. This was more of a vent, I suppose, but input is welcome.


Me (BS): 27
Her (WS): 24

DDay #1- 6/09 PA
DDay #2- 3/13 EA

Still riding the roller coaster of ambivalent limbo.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. Im sorry. That stinks. Have the two of you discussed what you laid out in your post; your concern for the flatness of the relationship, the lack of depth, your feeling that it's always been on your shoulders to attempt to keep it fresh and your concern that some new issue is impending? Perhaps this conversation needs to happen in a more planned, scheduled way so as to give it more of a sense of importance? Have you considered MC? Have you talked about reading any marriage based books together and discussing them?


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 370 | Registered: Mar 2014
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman or The 7 levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly? Both very good books to facilitate communication, needs and intimacy.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 594 | Registered: Oct 2011
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks forgivingnow - I was going to ask about something like this.

My BW and I are in a similar place where our conversations always revolve around the same crap everyday, and I wanted to ask others what they talk about after so much time.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TALK ABOUT IT. I Ignored that feeling... But was "okay" because there were no new red flags... Until there were... But I was so withdrawn and tired of being the "good wife", to even attempt to stop it.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey whatever

It does suck, doesn't it?

I remember after dday but before we decided to R we went to dinner and sat and ate in silence.

It was so painful, the air so heavy. The obvious disconnect stabbing us both through the night.

We had to work on it to reconnect. We started to do nights/dates together one or both of us had interest in. We began talking about our healing, how we got to where we were. How he got there.

We would talk about our marriage. The good things, the painful things we did to hurt each other and failed to see the pain it caused.

We slowly became invested again. Interested in each others days, actually listening to each other talk rather than checking out and reliving our own day in our minds.

We had to make an effort to engage, over and over again until it became second nature.

It can be done, it's work, but the work was worth not sitting "alone" at dinner anymore.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 6

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