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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can anyone relate?
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post in the R forum, I had been in the Wayward prior.

I am very happy that my wife and I are working towards R, but I feel like she is losing the wind in her sails.

I will be moving back in the house full time in about a month but it seems like she hasn't had many positive things to say lately. She has expressed in and out of MC that she doesn't feel anything, she feels like right now she is doing this for the kids and our business. She does love me and we are truly best friends but something is missing.

Things were different a few months ago, she was a lot more positive about where we were headed and the path to get there.

I truly believe that she can be happy in this marriage again, especially now with a partner that deserves her.

A few questions I hope some can offer feedback on:

I feel like her faith in me is dimming. She often says what's 10 months of new you to 10 years of what I'm used to?. I have continued to progress personally so i believe I just need to continue to establish a longer track record, maybe the newness has worn off?

She has said in the past she is worried things will go back to the way they were before when I move back. I know it's up to me to disprove that. I think more than anything she is struggling with letting go of the complete autonomy she has had over the last 11 months. She doesn't keep anything from me anymore, she's open for the most part. Could this be contributing?

I know the healing takes time and part of me feels like this is part of the normal ups and downs of R. I have encouraged her to check out SI, but she has yet to jump in. She also has been slow to engage a IC since she stopped seeing our MC individually about 2 months ago.

I want to support her in the best way I can, I know she has to find her own path through this but sometimes we can do it together. I don't feel like we're a team right now.

Things could be alot worse, I'm just trying to keep the light bright. It's tough to keep fighting the good fight alone all the time.

I appreciate any feedback or advice


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Happy  Posted: 1:23 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to the numbness. I go through cycles of feeling somewhat safe and comfortable being vulnerable to being fearful to being numb. For me it is self protection. Dealing with all this can be so overwhelming. At times the reality slaps you hard in the face again and it's scary to open yourself up to the one who hurt you.
The advice I would offer would be to ask her what kinds of things would help her to feel safe (no quick fixes...just helps) and then do them. There are certain things for me that feel like evidence that my H could possibly love me enough, want me enough, need me enough etc. (All of which was/is in question after infidelity, at least for me) Here are my suggestions, again these are things that would help ME and that's all I can offer.
PLAN dates in advance and ask her out as you would if you were courting her. Plan weekend trips even if it's just an hour away to the next big town. These planned dates show that you want her company, want to be close to her, think she's worth the effort of planning for (reservations, hotel booking, finding a sitter if need be). A date is something you can both look forward to and get excited for. A girl feels special when a guy treats her like she is and acts like she is. And...it helps her feel safe because she feels wanted.
Text her sweet little texts during the week to let her know she's on your mind. It helps combat the little man our our shoulder who is telling us he's bored with you, doesn't think about you etc Same thing with emails. I like the little bit longer note that tells me he loves me, thinks about me, is so glad I'm his wife etc.
Read marriage books on your own and bring up specific things that stuck out to you. This shows her you're doing the work and are actually interested in learning...that you dont just see it as homework.
Look at her with that 'look' that lets her know you think she's beautiful and you love and admire her.
Burn her a cd of love songs, hand picked for the content, something that speaks to your feelings for her. Also would be nice if you told her you thought about her when XYZ song was on. We like to feel you think of us fondly when we're not together and you miss us. Maybe you even want to find a new 'your song'
If there's some special thing she likes, go out of your way to get one for her now and then. (Collects frogs? Loves a certain kind of chocolate bar? etc.
The key is to stay consistent. We're watching and analyzing whether these actions are ploys to help smooth things over and will eventually go away or if the new you is here to stay. Goes back to feeling safe. Safe is a big word.
I hope some of this helps a little. Give her time. She's got an awful lot to process. Unless you've been through it you really have no idea. Hopefully once you get back under the same roof you will be able to reclaim or rebuild some of that intimacy you're missing now. All the best to you both.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 382 | Registered: Mar 2014
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to add!...Tell her often how sorry you are for hurting her so badly, that she didnt deserve it. Dont always wait till you catch her crying either. Tell her at other times too. (I.e. walk up to her in the kitchen, give her a big hug and tell her) This helps her know it's on your mind too (besides the fact that you're sorry) And comfort her when she is hurting. Don't let her go through it alone unless she specifically says she wants to be alone.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 382 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were in her shoes, how do you think you'd feel?

Her apprehension sounds both normal and healthy to me at this point, 10 months out from an 8 month A that you revealed only after oBS's discovery.

I think you nailed the problem and the cure - the longer you're honest, loving, in love with your W, the more trust she'll build. Her apprehension will fade away as her trust in you grows.

Patience. Patience.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9734 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see that you antiversary date is one month away...and that you are moving back in about a month.

The one year antiversary is usually a very painful time for a BS.

I also thinks she sounds scared. Scared that she can't trust this "new you." You need to do everything she needs you to do so she can begin to trust that you have made REAL changes. This will take a long time.

Did the two of you decide together that you moving home around the date of the antiversary is a good idea? Did that even factor into the decision?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
callmesteph
♀ New Member
Member # 43595
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all the previous posts...very sound, good advice. I find that my WH planning more trips for us as a couple and/or family as though in a courtship has tremendously helped our R efforts & made things so much more fun & exciting!

I can relate to how your wife feels..,remember: you have betrayed her in the worst possible way so that blind trust she had may forever be gone....you must constantly be adamant & constistant about making her feel safe, loved, beautiful and appreciated. Be 100% transparent and remorseful at all times. Be there for her when she is sad, always apologizing & backing it up with your actions & telling her you made a terrible mistake, learned from it and will never ever hurt her again! Constantly reaffirm to her that you are committed to R & will do whatever it takes to make your M stronger than it ever was.

Having you return full time can feel very overwhelming and apprehensive. She doesn't know how long this new you will last....or afraid you may revert back to the old you after feeling comfortable again. After my H moved back, it was easier for us to reconnect and communicate on many different levels so I'm sure that move will help and strengthen your bond/M as well.

I wish you and your wife much luck and success in your R journey :) !!


BS: me (41) WS: him (42)
M:12 yrs T:23 yrs 3 kids (4,7,9)
DDay: 12/3/2013
OW#1- 2 1/2 yr A; OW#2-2mth A; +escorts
In Reconcilation

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: USA
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what Sisoon said. I'm glad that you have had made changes and are showing her how you can be trusted. With that being said....you really don't have the full picture of the damage you have caused your BS if you think everything should be "all better" by now. Personally, I have had a very remorseful WS and I'm still not totally healed almost three years later. Continue to give her whatever she needs, answer questions, have any discussion, apologize often, work on your behavior and boundaries. Let the passage of time do it's thing. It really does get better with consistency and time. Be patient and love her well.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 293 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think FixYou71 has the right idea. All of the honesty, the work on yourself, the trustworthiness, those are things to make your BW feel safe.

If you want to re-spark the relationship between you two, you need to take steps towards that. My MC reminds us that we need to "woo" our spouses, like when we were dating. (For the record, my MC is NOT a 1930's radio actor. ).

One good instruction that we got was to NOT use our date nights as therapy. Our special times together are a break. They are a chance to model what we want our M to be. So we try not to bring up triggers or MC or anything like that.

This just reminded me of the scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Harry is reeling from his wife leaving him. His wife says they could still date, and Harry says:

I got married so I could stop dating, so I don't see where 'we can still date' is any big incentive, since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's supposed to love you...

This is wrong. You have to date your spouse. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming roommates or coworkers.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank all of you for the very good feedback. I have been courting her all over again for months now, and it's been fun for both of us.

But... Our last MC session completely blind sided me. Long story short, she's feels like she'll never get the feeling back for me she once had and has a great deal of apprehension about me moving back in. In essence she's ready to call it quits.

Tough to hear but it's been much worse. I understand the 1 year anniversary can be a huge trigger. I agreed that now isn't the best time for me to move back in, I know she's scared and angry.

I'm trying so hard to keep hope alive, but I feel


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really scared this time. Maybe because she seems so sad about it, like it's setting in for real. We aren't going to change anything this moment as there is so much to figure out with the kids, our business, etc. She wants to try, but her hope is all bit gone. We are going to go a couples retreat recommended some time ago by out IMAGO MC.

Part of me feels she just needs more time to feel safe again, part of me thinks this could be it.

She just told me how proud she is of me for the great personal growth I've made. She wants to be everything we are now, but in essence leave the relationship behind. I honestly don't know if I can do that, it sounds selfish but I feel I'd never get over her.

Just really scared right now, I just keep telling myself time and patience to keep my head up. Looking for guidance or advice, I'm really struggling tonight.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a few things that strike me as contributors to her feelings of uncertainty that go beyond you having a PA.
One thing that causes an extreme trust barrier is lying. Your A was outed, you didn't feel guilty and voluntarily end the A and confess all. This, I guarantee you us in your wife's mind. Second is that your A was several months long, almost as long as the time since you've been trying to R. In a BS mind that's scary. Third, I would be surprised if the fact that you havent been living together through R doesn't come into play in where you are in the R process. I dont mean it wasnt the right thing to do. I am sure she chose what was best for her. Many choose that route. What I mean is, the day to day comforting, you witnessing her pain and being there to acknowledge it on a daily basis, watching her trigger and dealing with that together etc. is all part of the process. Mixed in with that are hopefully moments of closeness. All of these are intimacy builders. The trust takes a long time. I think it's possible that if you are doing all the right things and in the same home, under the same roof, you may start to see a bit more progress. This is my hope for you.
8 months of deceit and betrayal by your own spouse is a huge thing to have to manage emotionally. Now you have to be consistent and patient and gentle and nurturing without expecting sudden changes on her part. Her trust, even if rebuilt will still never be the same as it once was. She is mourning over the loss of the man she thought you were and the marriage she thought you had. That feeling that she wss special and set apart and honored by you...she's mourning that too. All the while having to figure out how to have a relationship with you and figure out if her heart can trust you and be vulnerable to you enough to have the kind of love she really wants. That's a lot to have to deal with. Be patient.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 382 | Registered: Mar 2014
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to support her in the best way I can, I know she has to find her own path through this but sometimes we can do it together. I don't feel like we're a team right now.

I didn't think of my wife as being "on my team" for close to five years.

...but I also had no interest in "healing together". I needed to heal and she needed to heal, but I innately rejected anything that might give her the idea that she could claim responsibility for helping me to heal -- outside of not continuing to fuck other people...which doesn't really count as helping someone heal so much as refraining from continuing to stab them.

You seem to have this idea in your head that she's going to be much happier married to you than apart from you in the long run, but it seems pretty clear to me that she hasn't bought into your master plan just yet.

Right now, she more than likely looks at reconciling the marriage as a sacrifice she needs to make for the children, not something that's going to actually leave her better off than being single or meeting someone new.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6738 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fixyou,

Thanks for sharing. I wanted to clarify that I had ended the A a few months prior to me telling my wife. Doesn't make it any better, but it was the first good decision I had made in a very long time.

I'm just being patient, giving her space and listening when she wants to talk. We are going to a couple's retreat in a 2 weeks, I think when we leave we will really know which direction we are going.

I read something by BlindJustice called The Plain if Lethal Flatness, made sense for where she may be. Just doing my best to support her.

Wincing,

I appreciate your perspective and as hard as it is to accept, it makes sense. I know I do need to prepare myself for the possibility this may not work out. If she chooses that she cannot stay in this, I want to be able to continue being the same person towards her I have become rather than the bitter and nasty person she would expect.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.but I also had no interest in "healing together". I needed to heal and she needed to heal, but I innately rejected anything that might give her the idea that she could claim responsibility for helping me to heal -- outside of not continuing to fuck other people...which doesn't really count as helping someone heal so much as refraining from continuing to stab them.

Oh Gosh, WAL, how did I miss this...

I want to be able to continue being the same person towards her I have become rather than the bitter and nasty person she would expect.

admirable.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 14

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