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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH dropped a psychologist form w/my name and his AP saw it
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know where to begin...

My WH dropped a signed consent form from my psychologist to my WHs psychologist for a professional consult in the parking lot of his employer. This is where he had his two EAs; the latest MCOW still works there. Her H is a dean at another school near mine, and many people from both institutions know each other.

My WHs employee found it and didn't recognize any of the names (WHs name wasn't on it), and showed it to MCOW, who said it was WHs wife, and put it in WHs mailbox. The employee sent a very apologetic email to WH, stating what happened, and that the contents of the letter "are none of my business and I won't tell anyone." WH then told the employee that the letter was just a standard form for his W (me) to get some antidepressants, which of course is a lie. I found out about it a month later (today) when I read his emails and asked him about the contents of the letter.

I am completely distraught. WH already built me up into the Crazy Wife last fall, initially bungling the NC by effectively blaming me (it's complicated because I caught him as it was ramping up, which in a way sucks because he continues to minimize). Now both MCOW and his employee know that I'm seeing a psychologist and I'm depressed. Oh, did I mention my daughter attends this school (where WH works) and it's full of gossips?

I am scared to death that my employer is going to find out (if MCOW telle her H). I'm in shock that he lied about the letter and blamed me for it. I can't believe that I'm paying the price for his infidelity, still.

My WH is a vulnerable NPD, which has made R extremely slow, painful and difficult, and now this. If this gets out at my employer, my job prospects are toast.

I can't believe I let him stay employed there, stupid codependent that I am, and now he's held onto his job at the cost of mine.

[This message edited by hpv50 at 7:37 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; DD3 6/30/13
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 189 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC area
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't quite follow all the details, but it sounds pretty manipulative and awful of WH. Is there any way to tell the truth to those involved somehow so that it's out there, that this was all a fabrication?

Alternatively, I wouldn't feel bad about it being said that there is a depression and anti-depressants. After your WH's antics, who wouldn't be depressed? Also it's much more accepted nowadays.

I've dealt with a NPD person before, and I think you have to be very clear, calm, cool and collected. I think you call them on their stuff without being confrontational, so they will know they can't get away with things without some result.

Hang on to your truth - hoping for the best.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 194 | Registered: Nov 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I thought I was following you until this:

I'm in shock that he lied about the letter and blamed me for it.

Up until this point, it sounded like your H had accidentially dropped a sensitive-ish letter, and it had fallen into unfortunate hands. But really, I think you are being kind of proud and maybe a little over sensitive. I mean, wouldn't people expect that you might want to see a counselor? And wasn't your husband just trying to "cover" for you?

Maybe we need more info.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that I'm confusing you; I'm just upset and shooting off in too many directions. I hope this clarifies things:

--WH accidentally dropped a consent form that makes it clear I'm seeing a psychologist; the form was so that our two ICs could talk. By lying and saying it was for me to take antidepressants, he wasn't covering for me, he was covering for himself. He doesn't want his employer to know he (and we) have problems, and especially doesn't want his boss to know he's been pursuing women at work. This is consistent with his past behavior; he has a difficult time taking responsibility. He also didn't tell me, and I found out by accident, which is also upsetting.

--I am also very upset that his AP saw the form. It validates what he told her last fall: that I was crazy, snooping his emails and saw the two of them together, and misinterpreted it all. Now she knows I'm seeing a psychologist. I understand that I shouldn't care what she thinks, but...

A. APs husband works in the same industry as me, and if this gets out, it will hurt my career mobility. I understand that these sorts of things shouldn't matter (seeing a psychologist), but my IC says there is still a lot of stigma out there, particularly about depression. If I am construed as "mentally unstable" in my industry, they won't ask me, they'll just pass me over for promotion.

B. My WH works at my daughters school, and I'm worried about it getting back to her and hurting her. Unfortunately it's a rather snooty private school, the women gossip too much, and I worry it will affect her.

Please don't think I'm proud, I'm not - paranoid about my job perhaps, but not above my problems. My whole family knows and is very supportive, for example.

On a plus note, my IC responded to my texts and said it's normal for my WH - he has a need to be the victim, and now both his AP and employee can view him as one (poor WH and his crazy depressed wife).


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; DD3 6/30/13
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 189 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC area
lovedmesomehim
♀ Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I understand what you are saying here.

I am sorry this happened to you and that you feel as though you are being seen as the "nutty and crazy wife."

You aren't. Let's get that out there first.

You are responding to your husband's lack of protection of your heart and reputation. Is he in IC as well? Is he NC with the COW? Was a letter sent to cement the NC?

Finally....is he looking for another job?

You? You will be fine and don't worry about being overlooked for promotions, etc. Take your meds, do the best job that you can do at work and hold your head up.

You did nothing wrong. Remember that. Repeat that to yourself.

Please, please do not allow your need for additional psch work or meds to diminish you. View this as self care and nothing that you would not advise a friend of yours to seek as well. Continue to take care of yourself and take advantage of all that you need to get through this difficult time.

As for the gossips at your child's school, I understand that as well. If your daughter hears any gossip, then you AND YOUR HUSBAND should both sit her down for a conversation to reassure her. Again, this is not your shame to bear and the two of you must convey a unified message to her.

I will repeat two of my points:

* Hold your head up and get the help that you need.

* When is your husband getting another job?

Hang in there, ((hpv50)).

Lovedmesomehim



Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2009
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KatyDo, thanks. Living with NPD is very hard, and you're right that confrontation isn't the best approach, I am learning to stay calm, but it's hard. His VNPD makes him have both KISA and victim tendencies. He is also very oppositional. I am constantly on eggshells.

Loved, thanks as well. He refuses to look for a new job, says he's frightened that I'll leave him and he'll be homeless and destitute. His vulnerable NPD gives him severe abandonment issues, which is ironic, because cheating on me is the one thing he could do to increase those odds I'd leave. He also refuses to even look for another job because shortly after DDay, he decided to try to start a software company that makes software for schools, so he "needs" to stay working at a school.

Yes, he gave her an in-person, half arsed version of NC four months after DDay, whereby he told her that I'd snooped his emails and saw the two of them together and I misinterpreted everything. Her response was sympathetic and he came home that night triumphant that he "wasn't really having an EA" because she didn't admit she was attracted to him. I convinced him otherwise when I tossed his clothes into the yard; the next morning he emailed her a better NC, owning his inappropriately flirtatious behavior and promising to behave more professionally. A complete NC is not possible because she's in the office next to him and their jobs overlap somewhat.

I worry each day he goes out the door. His boundaries are still awful. He doesn't seem to understand the difference between flirting and friendly, or friendly vs professional. There are a lot of other jobs out there and by refusing to even look, I feel like he's chosen his job over me. I also feel like a doormat by not giving him an ultimatum. But if I insist that he quit, and stay married to him, I will never hear the end of it. He has had grandiose ideas in the past, and I "ruined" them, so I don't want to be the software company destroying witch. This grandiose business is also a NPD issue, and fodder for a different post, I suppose.

Thanks again, HPV.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; DD3 6/30/13
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 189 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC area
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HPV I really feel for you. I can relate on many levels. The need for them to be the victim, and the grandiose plans and ideas. I think I will definitely read more about NPD.

Also, I can relate in terms of the type of environment you seem to be talking about. Money doesn't guarantee better values I can tell you that. In fact, it seems to mess them up even more. And create an environment where people seem to be in constant competition trying to be showier than the next. Also it sounds like a very insular gossipy situation, which can be so stressful.

I really feel for you. I can only say my husband decided to change himself when I discovered his EA which had ended when I saw it on fb. Even despite his willingness to change it has been a struggle with all his other NPD tendencies. I have been the subject of much misplaced blame.

I don't know how long you've been married, but I do know that willingness to change is a huge factor - perhaps the greatest one. My husband lied for so long until there was black and white evidence. Know that you deserve better treatment than this, and if there is any way to protect yourself from further harm, please do that - take care.

[This message edited by KatyDo at 6:10 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 194 | Registered: Nov 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hpv50=
What could/should your husband have said that wouldn't have felt that way? I guess I am confused, still. He should have told the truth? It doesn't sound like that would have been ok either.

I guess I would expect that my H's AP would think I was seeing a psychologist. I don't really see the big surprise there, so it sounds like you are really just still mad at how he talked about you in the past? I mean, wouldn't anyone who was cheated on need to see someone? Isn't that the adult, and mentally healthy thing to do?

I see in your post a lot of need for external validation, honestly. Yes, it would be a tiny bit embarrassing if my son's principal knew I was on antidepressants I guess, but everyone has their own issues - believe me. I think needing to project this "perfect" persona causes problems. We are all human -- all fighting a hard battle, as they say. I also think that you think people are thinking about you a lot more than they are. Really, they are thinking about themselves. If you are a moment of idle gossip for someone, so what? You can't control that.

My H is a high level manager, and when we needed to go to MC, he went and told his bosses (in a very non-touchy-feely environment) that he'd need to take time out of the work day to go to counseling. He is now on track to be promoted to the head of the whole organization, so I think that you are projecting your fears and your (rightful) anger at your husband. People are more understanding than you think.

Sorry, just my opinion from what I understand. I would suggest reading some of Brene Brown's work -- like Daring Greatly. You are not perfect -- and that is ok!!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:53 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 8

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