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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New here with much confusion...
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH here.

My BW's family knows about my A. Probably a handful of other people around town know about A#2. It hurts BW to see those people. BW sometimes feels like she must be weak for staying with me.

The only reason she's able to R is because she tells herself that I am human, that I made a horrible mistake with my life for those years, and that I am working with everything I have in me to be a better person and spouse.

Every time she holds my hand in front of her parents, it is because she is betting that the version of me in the future is worth going through this pain now.

So I ask this question -- is that what you feel? If it is, use that as a shield. It's not foolproof. But IMO, that's the only way to see the AP and not let it control you.

Hang in there.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
JacksonGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 43669
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somethingremorse, that is exactly how I feel! I always need to know who KNOWS and who doesn't because it changes how I feel around them if they know. It's like I am embarrassed, ashamed and very insecure. The only people I don't feel like this with is our very close friends who were there the night of the Discovery.

I am currently battling with the lesson I have given my teenage girls. At first, as I considered my options, I felt like they deserved to see us work on our marriage and try to make it work. Now, I feel I have given them the lesson that it's OK to cheat cause your family and life will be waiting for you regardless. Kind of like the best of both worlds. I feel like I gave them the wrong lesson - a lesson of caving. Of living with this always instead of being strong and not letting someone do that to you. Like he never paid for this - instead he got everything back and more. I'm the one paying... with the hurt, the memories, the stinging and the HPV.

I wonder if I would have given them a stronger message by kicking his ass out and not letting him have his life back. His kids, his house, his dog, his barn... but then I think that is just my revenge thoughts and most likely not reality. And how would I feel seeing him with other women and maybe a new mother for his kids? Maybe they would like her better and then I would be the bitter, old lady who lives alone.

As you can see, I am happy where our marriage is now but hate the reason why it became this way. Kind of like how are you happy something bad happened if it resulted in a better thing? How can you settle that down in your mind? When something good comes out of something bad - yet you can't be thankful for that bad thing or can you?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I also had alarm bells. Raised them with WW but she just said its nothing, or in my head.

I have to say its a special kind of low in my book. And this is what I have a hard time dealing with. Not the physical aspects but the fact they where carrying on right under my nose. I invited this thing into our life

Our kids had to be told as we where told he told his kids. I'm in exactly the same boat. What lesson am I giving my kids?

All our friends know too



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jackson girl.

A double betrayal is a very severe betrayal to overcome.

Particularly if the OW continued to act like your friend, during the affair.

I do think you need to find a way to move.

It is up to your husband to explain to your children why they have to leave their friends. Not you.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
JacksonGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 43669
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mozzchops, I understand completely. It still drives me crazy to this day that I was the one setting up, cleaning, cooking and basically hosting their dates! Right under my nose...

And how uncomfortable they were when I was in the barn with them - waiting for me to leave so they could snuggle and what not. Grrrrr.....

I just don't understand the feeling of embarrassment when it wasn't our fault and they were in the wrong. It was tough for my kids as it DDay was over Christmas break so once they got back to school the whole school knew (small town) and it was very embarrassing for them too. Plus awkward as they were friends, my youngest actually very close friends with her youngest.

I brought up the subject of moving again and WH feels bad but doesn't think it is the solution. He doesn't get it... thinks he does but how could he? He will never know the depth of my pain.

Mozzchops - are you still together? Do you ever feel you can feel love without the hate towards your wife again?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, yes, Sisoon, I do feel sickened that he believes it was "just oral" when the thought of him on her makes me gag still. :(

And, IMHO, oral sex (giving) is higher than intercouse on the infidelity scale. It's so personal. Intercourse (at least the vanilla missionary type) is more mechanical. Maybe I'm way off here but like I said, IMHO.

My fWW did not perform oral on OM 1 or 2 (or else she's lying). THAT would be a dealbreaker. More than gag, I would puke.

I would move if I were you. I know you're in a small town and the kids have friends but I'm military and my kids have changed schools seven times. They get over it and make new friends. It also helps them to be more accepting of change, which is going to happen.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH feels bad but doesn't think it is the solution.

my husband has said the same thing. Triggers, honey, triggers is why I want to move. Nope, it wont' solve our problems but it will make things easier with a lot less triggers, - tell him that.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't want to be known as the person who "couldn't get over it" and keep rehashing things to make him feel bad

Jacksongirl, the very standard line is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal of this magnitude.

Exactly what kind of work have you guys done to recover here? You said there is no counseling. Are you reading books? Having weekly discussions? Or you just rug sweeping the whole thing, expecting yourself to magically get better and "get over it"? None of us get over this. We get through it.

Who is the mythical person who is judging you for "not getting over it?" Yourself? Your spouse? It takes a lot of years to process and heal from all this pain. If you had been beaten, stabbed and left for dead in a field 18 months ago, would you be over that? This is a massive, life altering blow. Those who ARE over it in 18 months, I would almost universally say have done so in an unhealthy manner.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6568 | Registered: Jan 2011
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mozzchops - are you still together? Do you ever feel you can feel love without the hate towards your wife again?

Yes we are still together. I divorced her as soon as I found out.
I didn't want to be married to someone who could do this.

I have ups and down with it all. Sometimes I think its not that bad as they didn't have intercourse. Then again I have times when I just can't help feeling like a mug for staying.

And I wrestle alot with the why. Why shit where you sleep?

I hope I don't offend anyone when I say if WW had a ONS with some stranger in another city at least it wouldn't impact my families day to day lives. This guy lives 2 houses away and someone I considered a good friend!

How could my wife possibly think it was ok?



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
JacksonGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 43669
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mozz, I understand exactly what you mean and I have said the exact same thing. Moving forward from a ONS seems like it would be easier but then again, I would wonder all the time on business trips. So, I guess knowing that he was faithful in general and just had a weak moment (s) with a close friend, makes it a bit different to worry about.

But I really don't want to be reminded every day either! And feel like shit at all the school functions: .


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The constant reminders are the worst.
School functions are also a problem for me.

My WW doesn't go to any due to shame/guilt/whatever and I'm happier with that. I don't want her beside me with anyone who knows.



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just offering ((hugs)) for everyone going through this!! I know how difficult it is.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't want to be known as the person who "couldn't get over it" and keep rehashing things to make him feel bad

From what you write, I think you keep going over it so you can heal. I think further that what you need to move on to the next step is either more support from your H or, if he won't step up, detaching from him so you can heal on your own.

I'm biased - I think virtually every WS must go through serious IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner. IMO, WSes need an outside 'jiggler' to help them keep from getting caught up in effed up thinking that supported their A. That's what a good IC does.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10421 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 33
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