Can kill R too...
It isn't worth it. The only way to start to feel better is to heal you. Don't add a pile of bullshit onto yourself right now...you have enough to carry.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
What's good for the goose, is good for the gander!
At first I thought there must be something wrong with me because men are supposed to be able to separate pure physical “sex” from actual emotions (like my WW did) and just enjoy sex for the physical pleasure of it. Then I realized there is nothing wrong with me. I’m simply a man with strong moral values. I’ve had 47 years to mold me into the man that I am and my WW’s betrayal, although very painful for me to forgive, will not cause me to change that about myself.
Honestly, why would you stoop to his level?
Seriously, don't do it - you'll only feel like crap afterwards.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
So - in a way I get it, and yes, there is a little part of me that is like, "Heh," when someone checks me out. It helps my self esteem, just a little - evens the scales, if just a wee amount.
But the thing is, that is what my H and his AP were chasing -- just wanting to see a reflection in someone else of what they didn't feel about themselves. (i.e they were both aging gym rats, and wanted to feel like they still "had it," that they were sexy and desirable and all that.)
Here's the thing - you can always find someone to take that walk with you, but it is a shallow, and shameful walk if you are married. I've never had sex with anyone besides my H and so what? Might I be missing something great? I guess so, but I have never looked at it that way. There is a lot of bad and highschool-ish sex out there too - I know, because that is what my H had. Highschoolish sex.
I never imagined sex w another man until I realized my h had sex w another woman. With many mind movies about his encounters, came allowing my own imagination to run wild.
I started looking at men differently. Guess the vibe was out there.
One thing. I hold true to my morals and boundaries and I have great self respect. Wouldn't jeopardize that for the hottest sex with the most attractive man.
Not to say, I find myself fantasiZing a bit and know I stil got it should I choose to divorce H in the end.
I also shared with my wife my thoughts, in general terms. I told her I had tried on several occasions, since d-day, to imagine having sex with other women that I’ve met and find physically attractive, but couldn’t really let my mind go there because I know what it would do to us. She asked me why I thought I wanted to have sex with someone else (i.e. to get even, I don’t find her attractive anymore, to prove that I am sexually attractive, etc.). After some introspection I told her I think it is mainly because I think she got to experience something that I never will – sex with someone new, experience that new relationship energy again, that initial spark where every little touch is exciting etc. (when she told me the details of her ONS she relayed that the “newness” of the encounter is what she found really exciting…almost intoxicating) I told her that even if she would allow me to have a fling with someone else I can’t really do it because I know what it would do to our relationship.
It’s funny; I thought that would be the end of it after we talked. Basically, I’ve accepted that I know I can never cheat on my wife so I just have to put those thoughts out of my head. Then my wife surprised me. (We have always been open-minded sexually, willing to try new things to please each other so I should not have been surprised) She said there is a way where we can potentially both have that “newness” of a sexual encounter and still stay within the boundaries of our committed relationship – erotic role-play. That resulted in several follow on conversations where we decided to explore this idea further. We have yet to try it (have to work through the logistics of childcare for an overnight hotel stay for the tow of us) but it is something we plan on trying in the near future.
Perhaps something for you and your husband to think about.
After some introspection I told her I think it is mainly because I think she got to experience something that I never will – sex with someone new, experience that new relationship energy again, that initial spark where every little touch is exciting etc. (when she told me the details of her ONS she relayed that the “newness” of the encounter is what she found really exciting…almost intoxicating)
Thought about it. Got really close. But then this ^^^. Maybe I'm not the average dude, but sex with a random wouldn't be descibed as energetic or sparky. It would just be a hollow lay.
Doesn't mean I don't think about it. Do I ever. That door was opened after affair #2.
What I'm constantly thinking about is just leaving WS so I can go test the waters. But I know if I do leave, it could/would destroy the possibility of having a great relationship with him. I just don't know if it's worth losing him over. But what if I will always wonder? He has mentioned before that he does not want a "seperation" he said he will not just sit back and watch me try to find someone better, and only come back to him if he is the last option.- so I can see we would not work if I chose this path. I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I wanted ... Oh and being able to see the future outcome would be a plus too