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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Mutual "friend" Knew
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, by my topic title, I think I know the answer. But, here it goes anyways.

Me: Yeah, can you beleive he was cheating on me?

Friend: I thought you knew.

Me: I had an idea, but no proof.

Friend: I didn't want to get involved.

Mutual "friend" worked at the bar with him....


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mutual friend is no longer a mutual friend. I'm sorry.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5587 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, this is so tricky for people. It's awkward and uncomfortable all around. I've got some distance and I can understand why people don't want to involve themselves in other's relationships.

With my ex, there were people who knew and enabled (e.g. the cousin who paid for them to go on vacation together so I wouldn't' see the info on the credit cards) and those that just "knew" but didn't know what to do. The former, cut out of my life, the latter - some I've stayed friends with and others we have drifted.

That's the thing about infidelity - it destroys more than the marriage - it often shatters surrounding relationships. There are some mutual friends that he kept, others I did, but still a large group that disappeared from our lives all together.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bye bye 'friend.' I'd be downright insulted. To 'friend': "You mean that you thought I was okay with that kind of behavior?! What kind of person do you think I am!"


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at this the same way hurtbs does. My former neighbor (who is a good friend) knew some of the goings-on but did not tell me because at that point I was adament about reconciling and making it work. Didn't turn out that way, and I don't blame her one bit for not getting involved. She was a shoulder to cry on, and that was wonderful.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:51 PM, June 5th, 2014 (Thursday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very adamant. Anyone who knew and didn't feel the need to let me know is dead to me.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3491 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
GingerAle
♀ Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way I would be friends with anyone who knew and didn't tell me. Your "friend" took the easy way out for herself. That is not a true friend.


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2011
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH went on guys trip in late December to Vegas and planned a meet up with OW. He had her crash the guys weekend so she met our mutual friends a good month before I had any clue. So sad to think he not only was so selfish to have her join them, but she was important enough to show off so early on.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very adamant. Anyone who knew and didn't feel the need to let me know is dead to me.

Ditto.

One of my very close friends (her whole family is friends with my whole family) knew, and didn't tell me. THAT one HURT. It was like another D-day for me. And, now I don't associate with her. That SUCKED.

But I was fine with dropping tons of "acquaintances." I slaughtered my Facebook of anyone I wasn't sure if I could trust. I needed a fresh start. I ended up unfriending some people that did NOT know and ended up taking MY side, and they were pretty offended I didn't realize that. But they were understanding that I was cocooning myself from further pain and finding out just how freaking naive I had been.. I didn't want to go asking people, but I appreciated anyone who heard about things after d-day and reached out to support me and tell me they had no idea. THOSE were the first people I finally started letting myself trust again. You can't keep the walls up forever..

But Liberty, you CANNOT trust this friend anymore. You don't have to hate on her, but you just don't surround yourself with people that don't have your back.

I don't just have "girl code." I have "betrayed code." I don't give a shit if I involve myself in other people's relationships. If I feel one partner is being manipulated or treated unfairly, ESPECIALLY CHEATING, I make sure that person knows the facts that I do. NO ONE deserves to be played, so you have to at least give them a heads up.

I don't think this "friend" must have considered you a very close "friend" if she didn't try to discuss his infidelity with you or help you out at all when she "thought you knew." I think she's lying and selfish and covering her own butt. She obviously didn't want to support you when you were going through the roughest time in your life, and you don't need "friends" like that.. Especially if they had knowledge of the very thing causing you so much suffering.

It hurts losing a friend like this, but keep reaching out and I promise you will find new ones...


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2687 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I went by what happened after the affair was exposed. Those who handed me the pieces of my broken heart - I kept. Those who stood nearby watching others help me - I sidelined the friendship to acquaintance. The ones who turned away at my pain - I ditched.

The one thing infidelity does is teaches you who your real friends are.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's boss knew. I thought we were mutual friends wrong...... He still works there and we are still married today


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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