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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the amazing Npd fuckery N P D
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

A npd story and I'm trying to hold it together

I'm 3 weeks from closing on house co-owned by myself and NPD. I am trying to "keep him happy" until closing so he doesn't do anything to fuck it or me up, so I can get outta here as soon as I'm no longer legally tied to him in any way. Actually 15 days. Fifteen Days and a few hours.

Affair supposed to be long over. I caught them together in a friend's empty house a couple of months ago. That was awful!!! I had to face her and she was disdainful toward me, even contemptuous!!! I want (still) to strangle her and turn her blue (if she had shown remorse, okay but contempt? Too maddening.) Anyway, that affair, well it was supposed to have been over a year earlier.

Then the other day I tracked him as I felt he was despondent (low on supply), and I suspected he'd go seeking OW for some supply, and sure enough he was at the exact GPS coordinates as his OW. I don't even care, except i loathe and despise her still; i just wanted to test my intuition. I called him and asked him where he was; he told me he was at a location 5 miles away from where he ACTUALLY was. I told him I knew exactly where he was. He denied it, despite my looking at his GPS location and telling him so. He denied it again and again. Then, I called her husband to find out if she was there. There was a bit of drama between me and OBS who was kind of shooting the messenger, and she calling me (oh for what, to yell at me for calling her husband??? it's okay for her to fuck my "man" for 5-6 years, but heaven forbid i call her husband, what a JOKE), (I didn't answer her calls, please!),

but then that evening, my NPD acted like NOTHING had happened, gave me a kiss, and a hug, and engaged in normal moronic conversation about nothing, and my goodness HOW DO THESE PEOPLE THINK? I caught him again, he "thinks" we're "together", her husband sent me several semi-ranting texts telling me to tell HIM to stay the F away, threatened restraining order, taking him to court, etc, etc. which I forwarded to him.. and he acts like NOTHING happened?

Someone PLEASE explain this. I know you can't figure out crazy but i do not understand the chip missing... Boggles.

In any case, I play along. Pretending nothing happened and that I'm not upset. Just as normal. I bring him food. We fall asleep touching feet.

I'm living with him in a hotel while house is under contract. I am trying to keep it together but keeping busy and out of his way as much as possible. Well that's not working. He needs MORE. Oh gosh! Tonight he told me that we need to be more affectionate with each other, that we are not intimate enough, and if we are not, he does not want to be in the relationship. (OKAY SO LEAVE YOU BASTARD!) but no... i don't want to take any chances so I lay down next to him and started stroking his back and asking what it is that i can do, and made all sorts of excuses about how I am so busy with house and details of this and that and family visits and well, you know, we are in a weird place, selling our home of 6 years, and we have changes and all this bullshit. I make suggestions and stroke his hair and then lie over him and smile at him lovingly looking into his eyes.

OMG.

So I catch him again at same GPS coordinates as his OW, and he denies the absolute reality of that fact, almost as if he finds a way to erase it from his mind, certainly not to engage in ANY thinking about how that might have affected me. He knows nothing of my plans, my secret storage, my secret PO Box.

Explanations of figuring out crazy, seriously, warmly appreciated! : )

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like emotional suicide. Are you guys divorcing? What does he think your status is? Isn't that why you guys are selling the house? I can understand being polite and not rocking the boat until the house is sold, but why do you have to play the loving wife? If you are divorcing, why are you worried about tracking him? I know those can be hard habits to break, but that's not investing in you, that's investing in a relationship that's dead and gone and you are only hurting yourself.

You really need to do a version of the 180. You have to do this for your own sanity. I'm sorry, if I had to lay in bed with poopsmear I think I would vomit. If his feet touched mine it would feel like they were lit on fire. Yuck.

[This message edited by debbysbaby at 9:41 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In any case, I play along. Pretending nothing happened and that I'm not upset. Just as normal. I bring him food. We fall asleep touching feet.

So his life is pretty much the same as before. You are hugging and kissing him and playing happy family. Why would he think anything was different?

If you are divorcing him, why does it matter if he is with OW? None of your business now. Let that go.

Are you in IC?


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(.....this sounds like the ultimate *get your ducks in a row*, and then BAM scenario......)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8076 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Explanations of figuring out crazy

is you can't.

So you don't. You stop. Detach.

Look, I get wanting to confirm your reality *just a little more* to help you realize what you're truly dealing with -

but poking the bear with it is a bad idea for your own mental health.
That's where this story slipped sideways into crazy.

Lesson learned. Shields up.
Practice neutral non-confrontation now.
Practice being boring.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with previous poster...stop looking and tracking. You will drive yourself insane. You already have enough stress trying to get yourself through these last few weeks in the same dwelling...you don't need the added pain of dealing with the OW.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2177 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


O Boy.

Wow. And yikes! And yes, OMG.

I guess you're doing all that so the house finishes closing without ws' doing something to mess it up? I understand.

But I also don't know if I could go to the extent you have. I hope you don't have any mental fallout for your sanity along the way or afterwards. Because what you posted is serious crazymaking.

I definitely have gotten to the point of doing whatever it takes to save my sanity. Period.

I have experienced some crazy stuff for the last 6 years and it got crazier and crazier the last 3 years, worse week after week. Have just finally said Done! and figure I may never get over it completely in my lifetime, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. It has long term effects.

Protect your brain!


Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2011
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with gonna be that it sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row. I went through a similar situation as I was pretending everything was fine whilst making D preparations.

I think that placating your WH is one thing, but pretending to work on the marriage when he's clearly still participating in an A is a whole can of worms that you should have left closed. I think you shouldn't poke the beast (I.E. tell him you're leaving, you have a lawyer, etc.)

But you can at the very least voice some of your displeasure about the situation. I wouldn't pretend that everything is hunky dory. I tried that and WH saw through it. Finally I did give him something to work with, let him know that I still knew he was up to no good and I wasn't happy with it.

You know what he did? He became a remorseful spouse, trying to help me in anyway (as well as an NPD can) he was so sorry, I honestly could do no wrong. That helped me get through that time and once he realized that I had indeed filed and made preparations under his nose, his NPD came back in full effect. But it didn't matter because my plan had been executed at that point and there was nothing to lose. In this case you just want to get by until your house is sold, so that's my advice.

Good luck.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 2yrs (as of Oct 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014
1st court hearing October 23, 2014 (hopefully will be final!!!)


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG no. I can't envision this going well when the "big day" comes that you spring this on him.

I'm positive you have a friend having major surgery or something that absolutely needs you staying at his/her house for the next couple of weeks

Get out of there.

Stop the crazy.

You could be creating a dangerous situation for yourself.

His behavior will never make sense to you. You just have to let go of that desire to have him "get it".


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg yes yes yes. it is an exit strategy.

we are not married. 14 year relationship.
my only legal tie to him is co-ownership of the house.

he has financially taken advantage of me.

i was going to just leave and sell house letting him take 50% of "profit" when sold, but he's only contributed 20% and i have it set up so that if it closes as arranged, there should be just SOME remediation as I'm to get the fair percentage of profit, and he's also to pay me back for 1/2 of the probably 12-15K i put into house to upgrade for sale; otherwise I would have lost tons of money.

My mom and friend pushed me to just walk, to forget about the money, money isn't everything but it was more than that. He could have refused to sell, refused to vacate. I was paying all the bills, so he had no incentive. Only Narc Supply from me could string him along. I needed for him to agree to sell and to get out of the house.

Yes it's a bit torturous. Depends on day. Sometimes it's all I can do to not feel broken. My therapist, on the other hand, gently encouraged me to "fight back." Yes, I got a secret attorney, but I didn't want to fight via attorney's. I wanted to get him to agree so I could avoid the whole attorney drama.

It's tortuous, yes, but I have found so much strength as well. This is clearly as case of what doesn't kill you....

My realtor also advised me to take him with me when we vacated our house just before putting house on market. Or he was likely to stay, not move, not sign to sell or otherwise make it impossible for me to get rid of house and him. (not that he wants me, he just prefers a "free ride.") She's been in real estate for a long time and has seen "things."

I am too far down the road to walk now. We close in just under 15 days. I've been very strategic and yet I have often WONDERED if all this was worth it, but where else would i be? Duking it out with attorney's, having them chase him around for paperwork, running up my bills, and causing me months or more of aggravation. No. I didn't want any of that. I wanted out. This was in my mind, and I could be wrong, the best way to get out with the most dignity. Like you can't treat me like this and get away with it!!!

And Yes, I have no idea how to actually leave after closing. THAT is a subject of another post soon enough. I am afraid, not of his physical violence, because like so many NPDs he's not going to do anything that anyone could know about (his reputation is so so so very important to him!). I don't want to discuss it with him, I don't want to engage. I have a feeling that when he sees the relatively low number on his check at closing, he's going to blow a gasket and even if he signs, and he may not triggering breach of contract, but if he signs, I'm bound to get tons of emotional raging words in a horrible angry, nasty tone of voice. THAT i hope will give me an excuse to say "I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving," (or write that in a note) and take off with my pets (also his, but he doesn't really want them.)

I don't want him to know that i've planned this all along. No way.

Please everyone send good thoughts or vibes or prayers out to me on this; i'm really afraid we won't close. Likely he'll have a meltdown and then eventually sign, but it's really going to be touch and go and no matter what, it's going to be an extremely difficult day.

PS sorry to go on about stupid OW and latest event; truly, i was just testing my intuition, and venting to you about incredible stupidity and just so illogical and jaw dropping behavior....and as far as trying to figure out crazy, it was said extremely well: his behavior will never make sense to me. period, the end. thank you all. And yes, maybe I should have saved every bit of my sanity rather than going this route, but i kinda need that money for the next part of my journey and i have gained strength that I think I really needed, as I am pretty much the soft co-dependent leaning type that NPDs parasites love . THANK YOU ALL AGAIN for being here!!!!!!!

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 12:08 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS When I spoke of acting lovingly toward him, it's only because he told me that he needed more affection, poor NPD .... needs more love...

I just really, really need to "keep him happy" until house closes. I'm trying to do the minimum and he's not been drinking every night, which makes him less nasty but more needy. It's not easy. I am not a good liar or actress.

It totally crazy making. No doubt. But fighting through court system would have been crazy making too. The first attorney I interviewed when I told her my story back in January, said
"Can't you guys just work this out yourselves," ie, the legal process will be long and complicated with a personality like his.

It's now 14 days until closing. One day at a time. I went to speak with domestic abuse counselor today just because I had to vent about all the challenges; i felt like i was going to collapse.

Yes it's taken a huge toll on me. I wish I could post more but privacy is difficult. thanks everyone.

(I haven't tracked him for months: i just did that one day. It was more of a game show challenge, to see if I had right answer. Yes, looney.)

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 4:29 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 11

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