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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I cried in front of WH, mad w/myself
Minty
♀ New Member
Member # 43205
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted very often because it's hard to find the privacy in my house. I'll try to be brief with my sorry tale.

WH's latest A has been the one to crush all hope of R and opened a whole box of crap I suspected was going on behind my back but couldn't get proof of. He works in Brazil and because of his job is often out of cel phone contact. He used this to his maximum advantage and often pretended to be incommunicado when in fact he was at a beach town for the weekend, sleeping around and throwing his/our money away. He's almost 50, overweight and bald - nothing wrong with that, bald men can be cute, I still have a crush on Bruce Willis. But Brazil is full of gorgeous hot guys who are age appropriate for these young Dolly's he sleeps with, who wouldn't give WH a second glance if he wasn't flashing cash around. I asked him once why they went with him, he said its b/c they find him exotic Hahahaha!!!!! The arrogance is astounding.

In March, the latest dolly - I call her Totty of the Month- actually had the brain power to call our home. She was shocked when I answered and that he had a wife. He'd shown her our divorce papers - they were obviously fake. What a scumbag. She wanted nothing more to do with him. I confronted him and he gave the usual excuses, but no remorse or willingness to go to IC. But later made noises he hated himself and needed some kind of retreat or rehab. It's a start. Totty of the month didn't return his calls and shut him out. He moved into our basement. The next trip to Brazil a couple of weeks later, he did the same behaviour, told me he was in one place but had actually tracked her down in another town and begged her to get back with him. She gave him an ultimatum that in order to prove his love he has to cut all ties with me. He called me with her in the room to witness. He literally said " I'm not coming back, I'm with Totty and we want to be together" . Dumped by phone after 30years. Next day he called again to say, he'd made a mistake, she made him do it and he'd have to delete the call because she monitors his phone. I now call her the Gestapo.

After abandoning DD and me for 5 weeks, he came back to the house. I said he could stay in the basement as long as he's civil, until he finds somewhere else, purely for DD sake.

It's been an odd situation, but he's been better behaved the last few weeks than for years. I always wanted him to move out so we could have space, but it's been a good transition for DD and me to have him around after being absent for so long. He did useful jobs around the house and really helped. We've had a normal family time, which has been rare.

Today I was driving him to take old lease car back, when he tells me he's going to Brazil tomorrow and will be looking at appartments in the morning before he leaves. And he became mean Mr Nasty Man when I question the short notice. This is a nightmare roller coaster. I feel I've been duped and manipulated all over again, Mr Nice Guy was an act. All the times lately we had good funny conversations like the old days were fake. I cried in front of him. I'm soooooo annoyed with myself, I've being doing such a good job of being dignified and in control. I let him get to me and it makes me mad.

I know it's a good thing him moving out - it is what I want. But why was I so emotional? I was going to gently suggest he start looking before he gets too comfortable at home. Why did I breakdown? I think it's partly b/c I lost my hard won control in the game.

Sorry this is long,I would love your input on trying to understand myself. If I can figure out what my trigger was, I can anticipate it next time. Anyone experienced a similar loss of strength and shown your weakness to WH. Thank you for listening


Me BS ~ 50
WH serial cheat/ pathological liar ~ 49
1 DD ~14
Too many D-days to count
................................................................
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This souds like the final straw for you. I think it was playing "Happy Family" with him that lowered your defenses. Allow yourself some time to mourn, then change the locks. Start the legal process to separate yourself from this cake eating sponge. Now you know that he is an expert "Hooverer". Don't give him any more chances to mess with yours and your DD's heads.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Minty)))) Honey - with all the mindfuckery he's throwing at you (and DD), it's a wonder you aren't crying/raging non-stop! You are doing remarkably well all things considered.

Well-padded 2x4 - NO MORE happy family times. He doesn't DESERVE them any more, and they truly screw with you and DD on a cellular level. Knock that stuff off! ((((more hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
RedWheelBarrow
♀ Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds a lot like my STBX. He played happy family with us after 1st DDay whilst taking his LTA underground for many months. It was all an act. A good one, because we (DS and I) were feeling hopeful and I really thought our marriage might end up "better than ever." The subsequent discovery was positively devastating.
He played you. He played with your emotions, and those of your child.
He doesn't deserve you.
Fuck him.
((hugs))


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Minty))))) Oh Minty ... please please don't be mad at yourself!! You were so generous to offer him R and to have that gift carelessly and thoughtlessly thrown away is heart-crushing. You don't have to question why you are breaking down ~ you were manipulated and taken advantage of by someone you were supposed to trust ... time and time again.

You will need time to grieve the man you thought you married and your marriage. You will need time to process the abandonment and betrayal. All this takes time.

Yes, it is good he is moving out. Have you spoken to an attorney? Now is the time to focus on YOU. Are you in IC?

I hope you are able to read and post often. It has really helped me to move forward in a healthy manner. Take care!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2233 | Registered: Oct 2012
Minty
♀ New Member
Member # 43205
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Gemini, nowIknow and RedWheelBarrow, you are all telling me exactly what I need to hear. I had my first appointment with a lawyer earlier this week and felt so satisfied and pleased with myself. I thought I had it under my control. But he still played me like a fiddle.

Grrrrrrr, that's the main problem for all of us who are genuinely decent, caring people, who look for the good in everyone. WS's play on our kindness and understanding and abuse it. I work with violent kids and it's part of my training to understand the psychology of their behaviour. I'm transferring this compassion for disturbed children onto WH. I'm realizing he's a case I'll never crack and should walk away. He's definitely got undiagnosed ADHD and possibly High Conflict personality. Can I pass him onto social services at the age of 49? Oh I don't have to, he's moving out!!! Thank you for your hugs and wise words, it's helped me so much today.


Me BS ~ 50
WH serial cheat/ pathological liar ~ 49
1 DD ~14
Too many D-days to count
................................................................
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Minty, what he did would get to anybody. I understand why you would not want him to see your tears but in truth there is far more strength and love in those tears than in his cowardly and repulsive bullsh*t. Be proud of yourself and what makes you fully human. He on the other hand is acting like a selfish beast. To be manipulated and duped is extremely painful. Your tears are authentic. Nothing weak about that.
((( and I'm sorry you're going through this)))



Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say good riddance to the portly penis top pig (fat, bald, & cheater). I want to add one more to his description.... dull, dunce, dipshit dickwad..STUUUUUUUPID!!!!!!

:

[This message edited by angerisme at 2:47 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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